REST IN PEACE
PEGGY (LENA) DAY WILLS
i always wondered how i would feel when my grandmother passed away. this grandmother that i barely had a relationship with, yet whom i was named after.

it's hard to reconcile my feelings right now. i want there to be sadness by this news and it haunts me a little that there isn't. i guess you would have to understand the history to understand why no tears will be shed. it's so weird even saying that now, but it doesn't shock me that this is how i feel.

in effort to not speak ill of the dead, i won't go into any details other than to say that this woman i barely knew had no desire to love me or my siblings like a grandmother usually does. i remember children coming to school on a monday morning and reporting that their grandmother took them out to dinner and for a sleepover on their birthday and how much they loved them. i guess i always felt jealous of that because i had a very different experience.

and maybe it's because of her own hard childhood that she never knew how to care for the ones you should love the most. born LENA DAY in atlanta georgia she was raised by a nanny after her father killed himself and her mother was mentally disturbed. she was the "life of the party" type, a 'modern' through and through during the roaring 20's and officially changed her name to PEGGY and married my grandfather, a handsome frat-boy from chicago. together they had 5 children, 4 girls and a boy.

the best of which (if i do say so myself) is my mother Patricia Ellen, who spent most of her life caring for the needs of my grandmother in her later years.

i'm sorry that i never did get to know you better Peggy. rest in peace, i can't wait to know you on the other side when you are more at peace then when you were here on earth. and when i am more humble to understand you better.

I CAN DO IT ALL BY MYSELF... or not.


over the course of the past few weeks i have been lucky to be in conversation with some really good friends and for various reasons the following analogy keeps popping up. i feel this is a big HINT from the "other side" that it's a lesson i would do well to learn. the best part of this analogy is that it includes russell. for those that don't know russell... go HERE and bone up on all things adorable that russell is and does. as for the rest of you, read on.

the shoe:
russ must have been about 2.5 - 3 years of age and we were in a hurry this particular day to get his siblings from school. russell, being the trail-blazer* he is wanted to prove to the world that he could tie his very own shoes. this was a task he had never before attempted... nor been taught to do. at first i was frustrated, knowing how little time we had to continue his charade. but he was insistent and so i relented and patiently waited in the corner of the mud room to silently observe.

i watched as his still chubby little fingers grasped hold of the laces and mushed them around in an attempt to get them to stay. he did this for about 2 - 3 minutes. with each failed attempt he got a little more frustrated. finally, after his last and final go failed miserably and his emotions out of control he got angry, took the shoe off and chucked it across the room.

i stayed where i was, wondering what would happen next. in what seemed like a complete lesson carved out just for me, russell with all of the humility he possessed, looked up at me and FINALLY asked if i would help him tie his shoe. a request i was just aching* for him to ask me to help with. of course, i would be more than happy to help him... all he need do was ask.

this little story got me thinking-- well i guess STILL has me thinking many moons later. i think on my life, how i've been blessed with motivation to accomplish things, blessed with gumption to go for it, blessed with talents that shape me into who i am today. all of these things have made sure that i have had a life worth looking back on and being somewhat proud of. but i also look at how stubborn a girl i am at times. how i constantly insist on doing things on my own. how, most times, i am so prideful that i feel like i can tie my proverbial shoe without even knowing how.

the whole time, my Father in Heaven is just up there waiting patiently for me to get tired of my endless frustration that things aren't going together like i want them to, because i was never meant to do them on my own. he sits back, hoping that i ask him for help before i just give up altogether. and ALWAYS when i go to him he has 'smiled' and said "of course, i would be happy to help you."

i feel like this past year has been a crash course on letting not only Heavenly Father help me, but letting others help me where i otherwise wouldn't have been able to in the past. to be honest i have had such a hard time giving up my shoe- just letting go and trusting that there are others that will help. it's so scary sometimes. i can't stand being patient either. i just need to remember to harness my inner-russell and humbly ask for help when i need to.

i'll be back, i've got to go retrieve the latest shoe from the corner where i chucked it and ask for more help!

HAPPY MLK DAY!

i just wanted to make sure that i paid homage to a man that represents what we as Americans feel proud to say our country is all about. freedom. acceptance. tolerance. change.

sometimes it's easy to feel that change will never happen. can't happen. because how can one man with one idea change others and the way they think? how can years of incorrect thinking go unchallenged for so long with any hope for a difference?

but there ARE people, who are blessed with a gift who, despite what may be a lonely road, fight for that change and win.

thank you for showing us that it's possible Mr. King. and thank you to all those who go unmentioned that fought with you to see it through.

STEALER!


okay seriously don't judge me for this post. it's a bit of a confession and it's been making me laugh all night about it!

so i am what we call- pathetically and ridiculously poor. i quit my job to have major surgery and now no one will hire me... for anything. even the mall was a fruitless attempt! i have been so LUCKY to have family that have been doing their best to cover the bills i have (which are very few... i'm proud to add), but they can only give so much. i've hired myself out to family and friends and have cleaned and organized for a few stray dollar bills. but even then, the money to fill my tank and pay for things i really need, have left the purse strings a tiny bit too tight!

today i received my new phone (it was free with my "new every two" plan from verizon), which was a small light in my sad little tunnel of poorness, and i took it to the verizon store in the mall to have them transfer all my numbers from one to the other. the process took about 20 mins, so i took a stroll to window shop and salivate.

whilst at an unmentioned store i was plastered at the wall where the costumy-yet adorable jewelry perched before my greedy eyes. i imagined myself adorned in gold chains and bangles or wood bracelets and a gold belt... and then.

this thought just popped into my head.
"i wonder what would happen if i just put one of these necklaces into my purse and walked out."

startled by this thought (because it is definitely not one that i am accustomed to having) i started to actually think it through! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? i thought it through?? have i gone completely insane?? but yes... i did. i looked at the coveted necklace, looked at my escape route... then... i shuddered.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY THOUGHT TWICE ABOU IT!!! HAHAHAHA! WHAT???

of course i didn't take the loot! i haven't gone insane just yet. but seriously, it rattled me just a tiny bit that i would chew on the idea for even as long as i did!

believe me when i say that i am not the law-breaking kind of gal (with the exception of speeding and sometimes thinking it's funny to run a stop sign at 2 am in a residential-- weird i know).

for instance: once upon a time i went on a date with a guy to a movie. when the first movie let out he looked at me and said "double feature?" first off, i didn't understand what he was really saying. i thought for sure he meant that we would go back downstairs, pick a new movie and buy two more tickets. but then as he walked up and down the hallways of the theater to look at the next movie's times... it donned on me that there was never an intention of paying for that second flick. so we chose a movie and found some seats in the back. i couldn't stop giggling (it's what i do when i'm nervous) and i'm sure i looked like a complete DUR to this guy as i couldn't stop giggling at what we were doing and asking lame questions like "well what if they come and ask to see our tickets" -- as if they ever do that!!-- i'm just not cut out for thievery or stealing or any of the like.

i mean i took literal offence when someone would choose my name for the song "who stole the cookie from the cookie jar" who me? NO WAY, IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN ME-- TRY DOUG OR AMY JO!! she actually stole gum from shopko once- she's the girl you're after!

oh dear- i think instead of stealing i'm just going to resort to camping outside of temple square and playing the hymns on my nose for money.

YET ANOTHER 80's GEM TO BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY!


don't ask me how these songs get into my head- because even i don't know. but golly gosh i sure do love living in the past sometimes!







you know you are a product of the 80's if you can name more than 10 musicians without cheating!

MEMBER WHEN YOUR BIGGEST WORRIES WERE...


should i eat lucky charms or fruit loops,

would i rather watch full house or the wheel of fortune,

oh dear my science project on the photosynthesis of plants is due tomorrow

if i buy those stickers then i can't afford to get a pack of gum

my favorite friend can't play today so NOW who am i going to play 'school' with

i have to make sure to CALL my seat or else roger's going to steal it

i hope mom doesn't want to go to the fabric store today


YEAH... IF ONLY LIFE STAYED SO SIMPLE!

IN JUST A FEW SHORT WEEKS...

i'm coming home (for a visit)!

the smile on my face couldn't get any BIGGER!

LESSON LEARNED:

when a guy are you are flirting with, dating or just met tells you he's

trouble
messed in the head
dangerous
or not a good guy

very quietly turn, walk out the door and then break into a full sprint without ever looking back. or in other words-- believe him when he says these things.

it's not cute, endearing, a way for you to 'help' him and it most certainly does not mean that you understand him better than anyone.

you will save yourself a whole heck of a lot of grief, frustration, embarrassing moments, irritation, awkward conversations, tears and/or possible heart ache.

the end. next.

MY RETROGRESSIVE YEAR IN REVIEW!

2008 BABY!

DEAR 2008,

i'm sorry that i am a few days behind but i am writing to say goodbye. this might come as quite a shock, but honestly speaking we all saw it coming. there are parts of you i will miss and parts i most certainly will not. but all in all, i think we did rather well together- even if i did spend most of my time with you, confused.

i did want to thank you for the precious time you gave me with so many wonderful friends. even though the time in boston ran out- i will cherish every last second you gave me there. i miss it dearly and i have made 2009 promise me a few trips back. you also had the foresight to give me more in-depth moments with my good friend andrea healy who's time you knew was growing short. i will hold that season in my heart forever. thank you for giving me that.

you also reunited me with my family and your remaining few months with them were happy ones. playing with nieces and nephews, taking trips with family and making memories with them that will last a lifetime. you were good and smart to do that for me.

i remember you bracing me for change in the beginning. your subtle hints that life was about to change and that you would be a big part of that. you held me steady as i slowly came to all the necessary conclusions about where to take my life and what to do next. it was terrifying and frustrating but it didn't take me long and before i knew it- my life plan had been altered. and surprisingly enough, i was actually ready for change- excited.

do you remember my surprise,though, when i found out that i wouldn't be moving to LA as soon as i once had thought? do you remember how scared i was when i found out that i would be moving to utah to give a kidney to my little sister? you were so good to me then and time slowed down so that i could enjoy life before i would be laid-up or a while. i was silly to be mad at you about that at the time. i didn't realize that those slow moments would mean the world to me as i had incredible experiences, met new life-long friends and gained more confidence in myself and my talents. i'm so sorry that i doubted and complained and questioned. i hope at least this lesson is learned and i won't give 2009 such a hard time.

these last few months together have been hard, yes. i don't mean to blame you and i am so sorry that i couldn't wait to be done with you. but you know as well as i do that it was time to move forward. to take all the lessons you taught and try out the newer, stronger "muscles" in 2009.

thank you for the growth 2008. thank you for the memories. thank you for being a part of my life. i will miss you, but i look forward to 2009 with all of the hope and energy to make it better than what we had together. and i know you want that for me.

yours truly,
peggy

HONESTY


i cried myself to sleep last night. it was the first time i've done that in a while.

don't worry, life isn't horrible and i'm not generally sad.

i guess i just needed to get it all out-- i needed to mourn all the things hoped for and not seen. i needed to acknowledge that these past few months of laying and healing and waiting have been hard. i needed to cry.

i guess women need to do that more than men... so if you're a dude reading this- you might not understand.

it was also a good moment to have a real heart to heart with my father in heaven. i needed him to hear me say that i longed for things that i can't control. that i wished my imperfect nature were more perfect. that i needed him in my life more.

life is sometimes NOTHING we ever pictured or planned for ourselves. having hope that it can become anything we want it to, despite the challenges and set backs and sharp turns in the road is the only way the growth necessary to make it happen, is achieved.