To Make A Long Story Short...

2010-12-27T14:51:00.003-05:00

DEAR 2010,

i am writing to you a bit early this year, because i am finishing my relationship with you in washington d.c. this year and i just know i won't have time to write to you for a while after that and i prefer to be early this year... i have a lot to say to you.

2010, what a firecracker year you have been to me. when i look back on all of the things you and i went through together i cannot believe i forged through ALL OF THAT in just 12 short months. it seems like an entire lifetime passed, not 365 days.

oh gosh, i think back to the early part of you, i was still sorting out my feelings for james. you remember how he and i started talking to each other again on christmas eve of 2009. we continued to stay in touch as you took the stage. i saw him again for the first time in mid-january and realized how much i did miss that stubborn man. he apologized- something that he just doesn't do very often or with much ease... and it took me by surprise. but it wouldn't be until march that we decided to start dating again.

boy oh boy do i have fun with him. spring with you and james was just so much fun. he and i connected in such a unique way and we spent many great days together and with D, his son. we even went to visit his family in FL and decided that we were going to get married. what a fun time. i was so in love.

looking back 2010, i can see how the heat of your summer proved to be too much and scorched my whole life as i watched everything fall apart around my feet. even though i did some amazing things like run the 5K in the 2010 Transplant Games in Madison WI and spearheaded the fundraiser raising awareness about the Miracle of Organ Donation and Transplantation, my job was suffering and as a result my finances were too, i had gained quite a bit of weight and then... well... james left my life.

i remember laying flat on my back in the middle of october wondering how in the world i was going to pick up any of the pieces of this shattered life and move forward. but you were wise my friend and provided some very solid people early on in the year that proved to be more than just a backbone and support. cyndi and marj and amber and mary and marinda, my new bishop and of course my loving family who rallied.

they helped that foggy version of peggy to navigate life for a while, while i sat on autopilot and let the pain of my loss seep from every pore of my body. marj became my boyfriend for a while and the two of use nursed for very painful battle wounds from failed relationships. i just don't know what i would have done without her. i am so very blessed.

but here is the part that means the most to me 2010. you helped me reconnect with my father in heaven in a way that i hadn't been doing for a very long time. you helped me to see how reaching out to him for support and strength would be the most effective tool to rebuilding the life i had helped to destroy.

i remember being scared of your final months, worried that i wouldn't be able to find joy or happiness through the veil of tears that flowed freely. but WOW is all i can say. all of the insights and direction were more than i could have asked for. the prayers that i said in the quiet darkness of my room and the answers that came more speedily than i would ever have imagined.

to top it all off, i did so many fun things this chirstmas season. made so many memories with people i care about. got taken care of by people in my life that i am grateful for. and i spent christmas day, surrounded by those wacky deming folks who make me laugh- The Deming Family Tacky Talent Show was just what the doctor ordered. so rad!

so now... my feet have been planted on a new path and i am filled with an electric current of excitement as i look to 2011 for what lies in store. i know i am being led and that whatever is coming is more amazing than i could have ever asked for or conjured up on my own.

as i flip through the pages of my 2010 date book, i can't help but feel every last emotion that accompanied it- the happiness and love, the pain and frustration, heartache and disappointment and finally the relief and joy and the love and gratitude.

then i get out my 2011 date book and i flip through the empty pages and take a deep breath at all of the possibilities that await. i really can't wait for this new year.

thank you 2010- for everything. for all of the things that we've been through together though, i gotta say, i am NOT going to miss you one bit!

your friend,
peggy

2010-12-13T13:15:00.005-05:00

MY TREE

i put my tree up the day after thanksgiving... it was so fun! it's CRAZY how psycho excited i am about this little tree that lights up my little apartment and makes it smell AMAZING!

i love its guts!

don't you agree... isn't it the BEST tree you've ever seen?

aren't you so jealous of me world?

you should be.

i like my tree so much that it reminded me of one of my favorite comedians who made this video!

here's to you and all the tannenbaums out there!

2010-12-10T13:01:00.003-05:00

SILENT NIGHT- Done Right!

I'm not a Marc Anthony fan... but Kim Burrell ROCKS this song like no one I have ever heard before. That and... well.. Harry Connick Jr just never does it wrong! Enjoy!

2010-11-20T19:01:00.002-05:00

TIS THE SEASON

starting a few days early... ran into this commercial. good good memories!

2010-11-09T13:17:00.003-05:00

Litter Bug

okay, if i post this- you are so not allowed to jump down my throat.

i just so happened to be talking to a friend of mine about this very topic and was telling her about this- thought of the cartoon that i'm about to reference- and thanks to youtube, i can relive my childhood and poke fun at myself in one fell swoop!

so, i am one of those gals that doesn't typically break the law... and i mean like really big things. but it's in the really small things that i find a thrill big enough to evoke a tiny rush. like running a stop sign when i am in a residential... it makes me laugh like a little school girl. or running a red light on a desereted street at 2 in the morning. and... when i was younger... and i say this honestly that i am NOT like this anymore... but i used to think it was funny to litter.

BEFORE YOU FREAK OUT- LET ME CLARIFY!!!

no, i didn't walk around dropping trash wherever i went- BUT- sometimes, if i did drop something on the ground... i thought it was funny. i don't know why! okay!? and yes, there is that one time in high school when we went on a school trip up to Utah State University and i had driven my little POS up there and my friends in my car had made a huge mess and we cleaned it all up, stuffed it in a shopping bag and then i quickly peeled out of the parking lot as the bag remained on the ground next to where i was parked... and i giggled uncontrollably for like 15 minutes. yes, insane. yes, it's horrible. yes, i will be punished.

so it was then that i was reminded of this one disney cartoon about this bear named Humphrey and all his furry forest friends who are commissoned by the forrest ranger to clean up the garbage and they sing this song...

and then it goes on to show how Humphrey tried to cheat the system and ended up doing the In The Bag song all by himself.

so it's been my observation, that because of my horrible conduct in my younger years, that when i get to heaven they are going to hand me my stick and a sack and send me back down to earth where i will have to clean up all the garbage before i am let in through the pearly gates!

don't worry about me though... i'll just be walking around singing
"first you stick it on the stick, then you put it in the bag...bump bump"

2010-11-02T11:51:00.003-04:00

RAISE YOUR HAND

this would be so cool if this post were about one of my favorite work-out songs by Bon Jovi: Raise Your Hand, don't you think? but it's not.

rewind your clocks, if you will, all the way back to the year 1995 when i was an impressionable young lass in my early teens... sad that it doesn't feel that long ago... but it is.

okay, so now that we are back in the days of plaid shirts, salt n peppa and the movie braveheart i will proceed to tell you about a moment in my life that has made a forever impression.

the summer of 1995 was all about classic skating, raging waters and Youth Conference (put on by my church... for all youth ages 14-18). youth conference typically consisted of carting all of us to some remote location (this year it was Bear Lake in Idaho) and send us through a series of activities and games that not only help us bond with each other but help us explore our testimonies and faith.

so on that hot july-ish day i found myself, along with my other youth cohorts, standing in front of what looked like a massive spider's web made out of string. not sure what to expect, we waited as the leader explained that each of us would be placed onto the string and, without talking, expected to follow it along all the way to the end destination. easy, right? well, sure it would have been, except they threw a wrench in the game and blindfolded all of us.

before we set out on our journey, they gave us one last instruction.

"if ever you feel lost or get stuck, all you have to do is raise your hand and someone will come and help you."

so we started. it seemed easy at first, the string was making one long straight line, all i had to do was walk slowly and i felt like i was in control. but just like i had anticipated, i hit a snag. there were several strings intersecting at one point. what to do? slowly i traced my fingers along the knot in the middle, hoping to figure this out; i picked one string and off i went. before i knew it i ran right into a tree...

cool peg, real cool.

so i turned around and headed back to the knot, picked a new string and ended back at the beginning.

ooookay... so this isn't going as smoothly as i thought.

i got turned around, came to the knot and found a new way and off i went again. this time i could hear people off in the distance... was i really far away?

okay, okay... i will swallow my pride and raise my hand.

i didn't have to wait long before i heard foot steps coming to my aid. gently someone took my hand and slowly guided me back to the original string.

awesome, thanks.

i put my hand down and continued on my journey. twice more i felt like i got stuck and so i raised my hand, was steered in the right direction and sent on my way. at last i reached the end. i was able to take off my blindfold, but told to remain quiet as there were a few others still on their journey.

how interesting it was to watch these other kids go through the same problems that i had experienced. one girl seemed to be in such a hard spot and was moving from one string to the other string and back again over and over again. i felt like i knew her pain!

finally, everyone finished and we were taken to the shady part of the grass. we were asked how we felt going through this experience. in typical teenager fashion we answered something to the tune of... frustrated.

then the leader told us that there was only one among us who had raised their hand the whole time and been led through the coarse straight-away.

oh. my. gosh. what? i could have done that? but it didn't even occur to me that i could do that. i thought we were only supposed to use the hand-raise thinger when i really needed it! duh!

and then the light-bulb came on! as i am sure they intended it to.

how many times does it take a peggy to realize that this life is so much easier if i go to Heavenly Father, instead of trying to do it all on her own? how many times does that same peggy "raise her hand" for help and then when it's given she says a quick 'thank you' puts her hand back down and carries on until the next knot on the string?

oh peggy, peggy, peggy... when will you learn silly girl??

and here i am again, i have found that next knot- boy is it a HUGE one and i have found that the only thing getting me through this whole ordeal is that i am constantly raising my hand! i haven't put it down... i'm too scared of what would happen if i do. i have no more mental capacity to run into another tree or get lost out in the boonies for a time. i have no interest in going backward either.

so i sit here, hand in the air, and even if i can't feel it every moment of every day, i know that i am being gently guided back to the right string... and for freak's sake... i will NOT put my hand down even then!

2010-10-29T15:40:00.006-04:00

GETTING BACK UP

when one experiences hard things, the kind of hard that seems to beat you to a pulp and knock you onto your back, the only thing you can do for a while is lay there.

you feel weak.
you feel despondent.
you feel like the pain will never go away.

and you know what? it's okay to lay there for a while.

and while you're lying there all sorts of things cross your mind.

maybe i will just stay down here- it would be so much easier
maybe i will find something easy to run to and maybe just maybe the pain will go away
maybe i will close my eyes and all of this will have just been a horrible nightmare

and after you've thought all these thinks, the thinks decide they need to come out and you begin

you talk to people... friends, family, therapist, bishop, co-workers
you talk to the wall
you talk when you're in your car all by yourself
you say horrible things, sad things, hurtful things, angry things
you say things about the past, the present... the future that seems so empty

then one day, as you're lying there, flat on your back, feeling the hot tears trickle down your face for the 100th time, you finally look up at the ceiling and you cry out to the God you believe in and you say the last words you can possibly think of to say.

Please Help Me

they seem to fall out of your mouth in a whisper. light on your lips-- because you are too weak to say it any louder or with any more conviction.

and then you wait, quietly... delicately... hopefully

then, just when you thought it would never come-- it comes -- it starts in your head. it's quiet at first; you almost can't hear it or understand. you wonder if you're just making it up. but ever so softly you do.

i love you my daughter
you are not alone
you are worth more than all the gold in the world to me

it takes your breath away at first. you almost don't dare to believe it... but you so badly want to believe it. so you let it sit with you for a while. then without warning, you get more

you do have the strength to do this, you know
you are made of the finest i could give
you will be blessed with more than you can imagine

you sit up. did you hear that right? you start to think about it again. you refuse to let yourself really truly grasp anything just yet. you're still too stunned. you speak back.

what does that mean?
what could you possibly give me that would take ALL this pain away?
what could you do to make me feel like i am normal again?

then you look around and notice that not only are you not crying anymore, but you've been able to sit up without much effort on your part. you are stunned for a minute. you are tempted to lie back down. it felt so much better letting your head hang low. but then it comes again.

i have work for you my gifted child
i have given you unique things that will make a difference
i have all the intention of using those strengths to make your life better

but... but... what about all the things you said i could have? huh? what about those?

you stand up out of anger and with bitter tears and all the disappointment and the fear and the hurt you scream up at him...

WHY?

why can't i have what i want?
why did you do this to me?
why am i still here, after all i've tried to become?

but that understanding voice comes back to you. he knows. he understands. he hurts just as much as you do. pain is the last thing he wants for you... but he also knows that through this pain comes strength... and he needs you to be strong.

you can't see everything i see
you can't even imagine what i have in store
you can do this, i promise
and look... you are standing... and you didn't think you could even do that.

this time you are shocked. you? you have the strength to stand on your own again? you look around, you feel a bit dizzy, you feel like maybe you'll fall again and be right back where you started. you don't trust this position just yet. you look back up. you stand there for the longest time. waiting... out of fear... not wanting to move. gently he prompts.

trust me and follow me
trust me and i will make weak things become strong
trust me and i will bless each step you take
come on now... take that fist step

you start to move your foot and realize that the pain is still very acute. it's not possible. you can't do this. it hurts. you're still sad. you're still weak.

but you are up. you got up, and you didn't even think you could do that. and as you take each step, your courage and faith and strength will grow. and each step will become easier. the wounds will heal and your heart will begin to open.

and years from now you will be so far away from where you landed that you won't be able to see it anymore. and you'll look at those scars and raise them to God and give thanks.

2010-01-27T12:25:00.002-05:00

Dear 2009,

okay, okay... i know i am a little late in sending this letter to you, but honest to goodness, i have been so very busy... and that is no excuse, because you were so very good to me.

2009, you were my year of adventure. i remember deciding that that was what you were going to be when we first joined up and i remember all the excitement at the possibilities that were ahead.

do you remember how excited i was to go back to boston to teach in february, march and april? i'll never forget the sadness i felt that first visit back in february; i cried as i took that first T ride through the city. it was so hard, i wanted nothing more than to move back immediately- but i knew the decision i made was the right one. then as time wore on and my subsequent visits to my old home provided the closure i needed, i finally found that i was at peace when i said goodbye.

but it didn't take me long to find my next adventure did it? back in 2008 i had already decided to take myself to europe- sometimes fear has a funny way of holding us back from the things we want the most- but despite all the fear, i prepared for it every day. fear didn't even get me to take a second look at my choice. TAKE THAT!

and how happy i am that i didn't because-- holy cow 2009 what a FUN summer! what an amazing life-changing experience! to see the world in a new way. to see things i had never seen. traveling alone proved to NOT be the funnest way to experience europe- but i walked away from that feeling more empowered that i was able to travel and sight-see all by myself! Ireland and France and ITALY!

i am tearing up just thinking about this small little country that has forever been imprinted on my heart (cheesy i know, but true). i can't tell you how grateful i am for those experiences. the children i taught, the families i stayed with, the tutors that became friends for life, the ancient cities i played in, the FOOD i ate... oh the food!!!, turning 30 in italy!! the best way to ring in my new decade of life. all of it culminating into an experience i will never forget or regret. and don't get me wrong there were definite moments of trial and frustration- and quite honestly i never would have gotten through those if it hadn't been for james.

2009, one could argue that bringing james into my life was not a good thing, but i will never feel that way. even though he and i would end our relationship even before you and i were done, i don't think i will ever regret letting him in my life. he was my life support while i was in italy and this guy, albeit riddled with baggage, showed me what i should expect from any man i date- boy did he take care of me in a way i had NEVER been taken care of before by a man. it was a valuable lesson that i know i will take with me going forward. ending things with him was so very hard. i knew it needed to be that way. i knew it was right. i knew that i needed to pick myself up quickly and move forward. but MAN was it painful.

once i got back from italy, i found myself in a constant state of frustration. do you remember my complaints as i looked and looked for a job? i tried so hard not to be ungrateful at the things provided for me- a loving family that took care of me-- a home and food and everything i needed. how lucky is that?! and i couldn't be more blessed at the job that i did get. i now find myself in this strange new world full of challenges and perks and fun people. i am happy and will continue to work hard to deserve to be here. and my silent prayer of gratitude will always be to recognize that so many other people and families have had to bear the weight of unemployment in a way i didn't have to.

2009, i think the hardest part with you came toward the end, wouldn't you agree? with my relationships with james having come to a close and the jarring realization that i was no longer getting married, i found myself rather scared at the thought of being alone. i became aware of the constant pang in my chest at the things longed for and not seen. the desire to be a wife and a mother unmet. being 30 and realizing that i have been grateful for my 20's- i have done so many things- but also realizing that my one goal that has been the most important goal to me my whole life- still goes unconquered.

as the holidays approached, i looked for many ways to busy myself... to distract myself from that hollow feeling. how fun that the CHRISTMAS CRAPTACULAR happened again with you 2009... i needed that. i also reunited with a bishop and his wife who changed my life back in 2003- a christmas present indeed. i was so excited to show them my new stripes! i also tried with all of my might to pretend that being alone during the holidays was going to be okay- i dated several really nice guys and made a few long lasting friends. i even felt my heart healing from the break-up as i connected with other really great guys that brought new things into my life.

2009, you were a really good year. i will always look back at you with a smile on my face. you were a really good friend that helped me heal and grow and change- and most especially rewarded me for the rough 2008 i endured. thank you for that.

2010 will be my year of getting all my ducks in a row.... you know as well as i do, that when you spend an entire year of playing, some really important things can fall into cracks when they shouldn't... so my goal is to get myself right-side-up and learn how to move in my new 30 year old skin!

wish me luck, i will certainly miss all that you brought to my life 2009.

your forever friend
peggy

2009-11-01T23:29:00.003-05:00

ATTENTION... ATTENTION PLEASE...

but will a Miss Peggy D please step out of the UNEMPLOYMENT LINE and join the ranks of the other fortunate contributing members of society. report to your new place of employment on MONDAY MORNING sharp... and start making some sweet sweet cash.

2009-10-27T18:42:00.004-04:00

i know that at least once a month i (being a woman) get a YOU CAN BE EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE FREE card. today i would like to trade that card in to be viewed as though i am completely normal.

in the past 12 hours i have teared up when i thought of all my friends in boston and italy that i miss-- no really-- nostalgic central.

i have cried more for the break-up from this last dude, than i did the day after the break-up.

i got the biggest urge to get married-- to anyone-- when i was meandering through the christmas isle at target... i just can't fathom being alone on yet one more "christmas to remember!" so even if you are missing most of your teeth and have a gimp arm-- i'll take you!

blerh!

also while i was meandering at target (this is what one does when one is unemployed), i heard a tune echoing through the cd isle from one of those boxes with 20 CD's that you can click on and they play you a sample song Bing Crosby style or Pan Flute Christmas-- yeah-- well there was an irish flute piece playing and i almost started to cry! what the...

this is when i then headed to the medicine section and looked for midol with a mild sedative.

2009-10-16T02:17:00.002-04:00

MY NEW FAVORITE GAME:

a huge THANK YOU to JOHN AND COLE for the most AMAZING 2 days i have had in a very long time... but also... for introducing me to this really fun game! no... seriously!

2009-10-12T18:01:00.002-04:00

CHANGE THE WORLD

assuming that i live a life good enough to get myself into the CK. i have decided when i create my own world i will have the following things:

~ when it snows it will snow banana slurpees... and dogs will pee bright blue (so you will be able to tell where the bad snow is).

~ money really will grow on trees, being more easily come by so that there will be less shortage. those that work hard outside will reap the bennies of a large bank account.

~ mullets will NOT be possible. somehow the hair follicles won't ever allow the hair to be cut into a mullet... including but not limited to the RAT-TAIL and SHE-MULLETS. magically it will just grow out and lay flat. bliss.

yeah... that and some other stuff. but it's a start.

2009-04-17T12:21:00.002-04:00

MY WEEKEND PLANS

a) a red sox game with one of the most gorgeous women i have ever met!

b) rockport, maine with awesome peeps

c) church at my most favorite church EVER!

d) a gathering of old chums

LIFE IS GOOD RIGHT NOW... and then monday comes, work begins, and total mayhem ensues! live it up while you can!

2009-04-12T19:39:00.001-04:00

THE MOUSKETEERS WOULD LIKE TO WISH YOU A
HAPPY EASTER!

2009-04-08T05:41:00.003-04:00

HELLO FROM 3 AM... AGAIN

once again i find myself wide awake when it seems as though all the world is peacefully slumbering... well not in the eastern part of the world where they're already well into the day.

the only difference between this time and the last time that i was miserably unable to sleep is the fact that this time, the insomnia is not drug-related. that's good right? or not so much.

i am so keyed up right now that my muscles actually feel like they are vibrating. lame.

guess that means it's time for a word vomit!

- i, once again, have said YES to too many things. i have been, unsuccessfully, trying to work on 5 different projects... so it always seems like i am 2 steps behind. i'm behind on calling people back, responding to emails/facebook stuff, trying to reschedule dinner dates or other such social exploits because i had to cancel. i feel like NOTHING is getting the attention it deserves... and that includes some of my favorite relationships. then it makes me feel guilt-ridden, and that NEVER does a body good!

- i feel like i have had more than my fair share of people snafu's over the past few weeks. i seem to either be putting my foot in my mouth, doing the wrong thing, not doing what i need to be doing, forgetting something or someone, or somehow being rude when i didn't know i was being rude. i just can't get it or keep it together this month!

- i'm worried about traveling in new countries all by myself. i've had two separate nightmares that i got lost in an airport in france and couldn't get to my connecting train on time... in one of the dreams i then had to sleep in the airport until the next day and i got stalked by a homeless man that sort of looked like PRINCE! anyone want to travel with me to italy in june?

- i'm worried about money for this summer. i know i shouldn't fret... the company will pay me each week and i should be just fine with the amount i'll have saved by the time i go... but i can't help but worry about the unknown.

- i sometimes feel trapped here in utah. i can't figure out what about utah makes me feel this way, but i feel it nonetheless. so the thought of staying here after i return from my summer 'o' fun, gets me a little moody... even with really cool things happening here that are on the horizon.

okay, i think that's enough for now. do we think this vomit has helped? i am hoping that the minute i push send it will also send along some lethargic vibes to my synapses and tell them to chill out so i can sleep for just a few hours.

i guess if this doesn't work, there's always counting sheep... right?

2009-04-03T11:53:00.006-04:00

LA MIA PROSSIMA AVVENTURA GRANDE

oh, i am so sorry that i won't be here for your birthdays and weddings and bah mitzvahs and baby blessings... i'll be in italy... all summer... soaking in the sun and traveling through europe on my down-time, and my heart is breaking! HAHAHA! or not so much!

i really hate to brag, but let's be honest, there hasn't been much to brag about lately in the life of peggy... so i am ALL OVER this one!

have you heard this story before, it's a good one:
once upon a time this girl named peggy applied to teach english as a foreign language through the use of the creative dramatics and drama. then, after weeks of hard work, blood, sweat and tears... she heard from the amazing people at ACLE... they told her to COME ON OVER and be a teacher with them! and the world rejoiced. okay, maybe not the world... but she did, for sure. oh and so did all of the amazing people in her life that have been supporting her this whole time!

so it's official. i'm out. wish me luck.

they changed a few of the start times for camp, so i will now have to be there by june 8th for my teacher training and then i won't be back until the end of august!

guess who's turning 30 in ITALY!!??
what better way to ring in the new decade, yeah?

what's cool about this camp is that we start off in a small coastal town called SAN REMO , if you look at the map above, it's really close to GENOA. then, once i start, i will be sent ALL OVER italy, camping at places like tuscany, rome, venice, milan and many more!

this is the kind of life-changing experience i needed right about now!

this is a picture of one of the many docks in san remo

2009-03-26T20:17:00.003-04:00

BEING A DO-GOODER

so i'm driving along... take the ramp from i-215 to i-15 north when all of a sudden i am slowed down from a brisk 45 mph to about 5mph.

the car in front of me was clearly having troubles.

i marveled at why he didn't feel it necessary to pull off onto the shoulder and let others pass him by whilst he tried to figure out his situation.

but he never did and finally, after about 1/4 of a mile after the on-ramp, he stopped cold turkey, smack in the middle of the far right lane.

at this point, other cars are now veering around him and whizzing on by and i'm in the most awkward position to get myself out into traffic.

so i take a moment and decide that i am not in any rush and can at least ask if help is needed.

so i gently pull up to the side of his car, praying i don't get side-swiped, roll down my window and peer into his now open window.

"hi, did you need any help?" i ask the man at the steering wheel and the 4 young adult boys he has in the car with him.

"yeah, we ran out of gas. do you want to get out and push us to the side?"

(okay i am so laughing out loud as i type this story)

i was shocked. here are 4 boys... probably around 15-16 years of age. they all look to be in good health... no visible defects... all appear to be of sound mind. and then there's me... weakling, has-no-upper-body-strength peggy, being asked to push a car full of MEN!!

hahahah!

so i start giggling as i pull off to the side of the road, ready to roll up my sleeves and help these dudes, when in my rear-view i see that a police man has just pulled up, thrown on his lights and taken control.

with a little wave, i shut my door and head on my way. it's funny because i was totally willing to help... but found it rather odd that they weren't really willing to help themselves... hysterical!

next thing i know i'm going to ask an old woman if i can help her cross the road and she's going to ask me to pick her up and take her to las vegas on foot!

2009-03-24T11:49:00.003-04:00

TERRIFIC!

i am currently working on the next class i am teaching to the 5 to 7 year old crowd. the theme of the week is CHARLOTTE's WEB. so i am submersed in all things farm, animals and spider-webby! good times.

just thought i would send you all a little CW love with one of my favorite characters in this movie, spelling in her most awesomely verbose way!

have a G-double R- double E- double A- double T..T..T.. day!

2009-03-14T23:57:00.003-04:00

IF I COULD SPLIT MYSELF INTO TWO PEOPLE...

... then half of me would never leave here and be happy all the live long day!

2009-03-09T23:50:00.002-04:00

the law of the windshield wiper:
inevitably when you are driving on the free way and it's a mad blizzard or crazy rain storm, there is going to be only one un-swiped spot on your entire windshield that will NOT, no matter how many times it swipes along, go away. this spot will ALWAYS be the directly in the sight-line of the driver. causing them to either strain their neck to look over it, or hunker down to look under it.

the law of moving on:
when one attempts to move on with ones life, away from old time mistakes or same old decisions that keeps one from being or getting what they want... ALWAYS, someone or something from the past will come back into said person's life and confuse the progress.

the law of the perfect hair:
when you are in a hurry and don't care about what your hair looks like, your hair just so happens to have THE BEST hair day on the planet. this usually coincides with the same time when no one of any significance will see said hair. however, when you are getting ready for a job interview, going on a date or just so happen to run into an ex at the grocery store-- your hair has decided to fall flat against your skull in the worst place and frizz out where frizz is not wanted.

the law of the grandma driver:
when you are late for an appointment, grandma driver not only cuts you off (even when there are no other cars behind you and she could have waited for you to pass) AND she, who can barely see above the steering wheel, can't reach her shrunken little legs far enough to push the gas pedal beyond 25 mph. she will also come to almost a complete stop because the biker to her right is freaking her out and so she rides her brakes the whole way down the longest stretch of your journey on a two-lane street with no passing.

i'm just sayin'

2009-03-04T11:01:00.014-05:00

LITTLE PEGGY: my crush on GUS PIKE!

every sunday afternoon, the family would sit around the kitchen and stuff our faces (with the delights that my snack-aholic father no doubtedly purchased the night before), because the smell of the roast, that was a traditional sunday night dinner, would make us ravenously hungry.

then, once kicked out of the kitchen by a mother whose biggest fear, in that moment, was that we ruin our appetite (fat chance, oh cooker of delicious meats), we would make our way to the TV.

if we, meaning the children, could get to the TV before our father, then we would have a really good chance of avoiding watching golf all afternoon. so it was important that one of us abandon our post at the refrigerator and claim rights to the television.

sunday afternoon/evening television is no different today than it was back then... nothing to watch. well that is, until one day, somewhere around 199o, this show premiered on the disney channel and my sunday afternoons were never the same again.

ROAD TO AVONLEA, from the creators of ANNE OF GREEN GABLES, was a spin-off, essentially, of said show. including some characters from the actual AGG and located in the same town.

the show, that ran for 7 seasons, gave a us a peek inside the world of the small town, turn of the century, avonlea. which is located on prince edward island, canada.

from the small-town gossip to the kind of trouble that by today's standards make it look like babies were up to, avonlea was a (at risk of making it sound like a breakfast cereal) wholesome, family show that got the thumbs up in the deming household.

honestly speaking, i may have gotten bored of this show, were it not for the promise that GUS PIKE could possibly be in the episode that night.

oh yes, in all of my 11 year old fancies, i crushed on this fiddle-playing, pipe-smoking, hooligan-sailor turned student by the town teacher. he was kind and thoughtful and crushed on the town brat, felicity. (who could ever forget when he kissed her that first time!)

no gus, she was not as good to you as i would have been!

for years i watched as gus and felicity fell further and deeper into love. i was saddened when she chose to go to medical college rather than marry him, was heart-broken when he left to go to sea, cheered when, for one episode, he came back and actually cried real tears when felicity got the message that gus' ship had been wrecked in a storm of the coast of north carolina. no survivors were found. how could they do that to my GUS!!

then, like a miracle from the gods, just as felicity was about to marry another man, she got a mysterious phone call which led her on a chase to america to see if gus was still alive. HE WAS! yet he didn't survive that shipwreck unscathed... he was blinded by the explosion on the ship and left a bitter and hardened man. after convincing him to come home, gus and felicity were finally married! i was so happy that my silly thoughts of a love like theirs was spoon fed honest to goodness romantic schmoo!

for those seven years, i was devoted to him. in the fields where i grew up, i would imagine that we was out there, waiting for me. that he would tell me that he loved no other! hahaha!

oh gus, you and i were meant to be together in another life. sigh.
thank goodness for YOUTUBE that allows me to relive my childhood crush all over again!

2009-03-02T11:48:00.002-05:00

I NOW PRESENT TO YOU...
my AWESOME nephew sam

friends don't let friends like sam, dance
this video seriously made my day!!!

2009-02-27T13:35:00.002-05:00

WHAT IS IT WITH UTAH AND WEIRD NAMES!!!???

someone PLEASE explain to me, why people from utah feel the need to name their children the WEIRDEST and MOST UNIQUE names on the planet! i'm begging you!

i teach children's theater and i have a few gigs out here in the land of milk, honey and big hair. this week, i met my new groups of 1st and 3rd graders who are taking my "boy's world" and "theater from around the world" classes. they are adorable... i can tell we are really going to have a fun time.

we started things off like i usually do- with a name game. it's actually quite simple. the child picks an action and does it whilst saying their name... then we all copy it. boy oh boy, i'm telling you, it took all i had in me to not laugh out loud at some of the names i encountered!!! here are a few examples... please, let me know if you think i am being too harsh here:

Jerix
Derix (yes i promise you that they are both in the same class and that they are both spelled with and X)
Daxon
Damynee (i got really freaked out that i was going to pronounce this wrong and say a swear)
Dakota (it's a boy and although i have heard this one before, it still made me sad for him)
Darion (also a boy... sigh)
(what's with all the names that start with D??)
Chetton

wha? huh? why?

what ever happened to naming a child after a family member or a certain name because of it's meaning?

how about:

Elisabeth: God's Promise
Matthew: Gift of the Lord
Ruth: Friend/Companion
Emily: Eager

is it really that important to name your child something so unique that there is no way in God's green earth that anyone else is going to have it?

sigh, this is just one more idiosyncratic thing about utah that's probably more annoying than it ought to be. my problem, not theirs. BUT SERIOUSLY!

(obvious yet funny side note: the spell checker didn't recognize a single name on that list!)

2009-02-14T18:01:00.003-05:00

SHIPWRECKED

i have been so homesick over the past 3 months. the first two months in utah were a complete whirl-wind. then it all came to an abrupt and jarring halt. it's like i've been sitting, listening to the clock tick for too long- stir-crazy wouldn't even come close to describing it.

so there i am sad and depressed, sitting on the pew after the sacrament meeting
enter bishop cook.
he sits.
he looks.
he asks the worst question possible-- "how are you doing?"
then come the tears.

with a few flicks of his magic wand, i find myself sitting across from him in his office spilling my guts about the sadness in my heart and the conflict that seems like my new best friend these days. i knew it was right to move away, but my heart wants nothing more than to take myself right back to that "dirty water" and live in peace and happiness til i die.

"this reminds me of a story peggy" my bishop says with an tone of understanding. "it's actually a story in the bible. you're familiar with the story of peter, when he walked out onto the water to meet the savior, right?"

"{sniff}," i reply

"well, have you ever wondered why peter never just turned around and reached for the boat?"

"hmm, i guess i never thought about it like that."

"and have you ever wondered what the boat represents?"

as i am busy thinking to myself that i have never once thought about it like that, my bishop answers his own question.

"you know, sometimes i think the boat represents weakness, possibly sins that we are comfortable with that when life gets hard we fall back on. but other times i feel like it just represents things that are comfortable or easy to us. in your case, boston is comfortable for you. it's easy to be there. and i know it's really tempting to want to turn around and just grab a hold of the boat, to climb back in and feel safe. but maybe, just maybe, the Lord is asking you to stay calm, call on his name and ask him to help."

i was stunned into silence. i had never heard of this analogy before and it was resonating through my head like a gong.

so what would happen if i just stayed the course i am on, went to Heavenly Father in patience and peace and waited to see what happens next? could it be possible that he has something more amazing in mind than what boston could offer? could it be that maybe he needs me to be other places right now, to learn and grow and build on the lessons he's already been teaching me and then i get to go back to boston... but because of all the growth it won't be the same boat anymore?

so with a very deep breath and a dab of the tissue in my hand, i resolved to be a little more patient. to wait out this period of trial to see what is on the other side. in the meantime, all of these trips back to boston, that i get to take for work, will be like a small little light in the haze. the peace i feel in the arms of those i call my boston family is just as real and reassuring as the arms that i grew up in. and i am happy to know that i can have both!

2009-02-09T17:19:00.002-05:00

SCHMER, SCHMER

i really like mixing flavors of mike and ikes. pink and green is my favorite combo

i have been doing a TON of work lately... it makes me happy to be busy.

some of the BEST people on this very planet are people that i call FRIEND

one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone doesn't replace the toilet paper roll. how hard is it to take an extra 2 minutes to change it?!?

when i was 5 my dad bought me the book, The 5 Chinese Brothers by Claire Huchet Bishop... he used to read it to me and use cool voices and everything. to this day, it's still my most favorite book.

i know we will probably fight about this, but i really do have THE cutest nieces and nephews EVER.

this semi-interesting blog post was brought to you today from the high i'm currently on from all the clorox i used to clean my sisters bathroom.

2009-02-01T23:41:00.004-05:00

LITTLE PEGGY: the first edition

i was sitting in my room this evening reminiscing, which isn't uncommon... and i decided that i will implement a new theme to my posting... at random i will post what other people call flashback fridays... but instead of limiting myself to just fridays, i will just call it: LITTLE PEGGY.

i start today's post off with quite the memory...

the year was 1990, which made me 11 and i got, for my birthday, the most coveted item of any child in the late 80's- early 90's... THE WALKMAN! holla! i was ecstatic and busied myself for days, sitting by the radio, aching for my favorite songs to be played on the "fisher and todd" show, so that i could hit record and do my best to edit out the talking/commercial parts and get just the song!

yes boys and girls... this is what we had to do pre-CD/iPOD!

when my tape was fully loaded i threw on my white roller skates- yes i said roller SKATES-- and set out to get lost in the summer sun and my tunes!

side note: the neighborhood of my childhood was one of the most perfect neighborhoods to grow up in... i guess every kid feels this way about where they grew up, but i am claiming this one... sorry dudes. not only were there a ton of kids to play with at random and wide open feilds and a big creek to play in... but the P shape of the neighborhood meant that i could get on my bike or, in this case, my skates and ride around and around to my heart's content and not worry about the "fast" traffic that 1300 west was! so one could find me, quite often in fact, doing just this.

this day was no different. armed with my self-made play-list that was clipped to the front of my acid-wash jean shorts, i took off.

i can still feel the light breeze on my face that was created by my momentum. i can see the dilliar's red trees that lined their yard and looked forward to hitting the shade they created every time i passed by... but best of all... i can still hear this tune in my head. it was brand new to the radio and i had never heard it before. i LOVED it and would stop to rewind and rewind over and over again. what an energizing song! what a great way to spend a long summer day!

2009-01-28T10:51:00.003-05:00

REST IN PEACE
PEGGY (LENA) DAY WILLS
i always wondered how i would feel when my grandmother passed away. this grandmother that i barely had a relationship with, yet whom i was named after.

it's hard to reconcile my feelings right now. i want there to be sadness by this news and it haunts me a little that there isn't. i guess you would have to understand the history to understand why no tears will be shed. it's so weird even saying that now, but it doesn't shock me that this is how i feel.

in effort to not speak ill of the dead, i won't go into any details other than to say that this woman i barely knew had no desire to love me or my siblings like a grandmother usually does. i remember children coming to school on a monday morning and reporting that their grandmother took them out to dinner and for a sleepover on their birthday and how much they loved them. i guess i always felt jealous of that because i had a very different experience.

and maybe it's because of her own hard childhood that she never knew how to care for the ones you should love the most. born LENA DAY in atlanta georgia she was raised by a nanny after her father killed himself and her mother was mentally disturbed. she was the "life of the party" type, a 'modern' through and through during the roaring 20's and officially changed her name to PEGGY and married my grandfather, a handsome frat-boy from chicago. together they had 5 children, 4 girls and a boy.

the best of which (if i do say so myself) is my mother Patricia Ellen, who spent most of her life caring for the needs of my grandmother in her later years.

i'm sorry that i never did get to know you better Peggy. rest in peace, i can't wait to know you on the other side when you are more at peace then when you were here on earth. and when i am more humble to understand you better.

2009-01-27T01:14:00.002-05:00

I CAN DO IT ALL BY MYSELF... or not.

over the course of the past few weeks i have been lucky to be in conversation with some really good friends and for various reasons the following analogy keeps popping up. i feel this is a big HINT from the "other side" that it's a lesson i would do well to learn. the best part of this analogy is that it includes russell. for those that don't know russell... go HERE and bone up on all things adorable that russell is and does. as for the rest of you, read on.

the shoe:
russ must have been about 2.5 - 3 years of age and we were in a hurry this particular day to get his siblings from school. russell, being the trail-blazer* he is wanted to prove to the world that he could tie his very own shoes. this was a task he had never before attempted... nor been taught to do. at first i was frustrated, knowing how little time we had to continue his charade. but he was insistent and so i relented and patiently waited in the corner of the mud room to silently observe.

i watched as his still chubby little fingers grasped hold of the laces and mushed them around in an attempt to get them to stay. he did this for about 2 - 3 minutes. with each failed attempt he got a little more frustrated. finally, after his last and final go failed miserably and his emotions out of control he got angry, took the shoe off and chucked it across the room.

i stayed where i was, wondering what would happen next. in what seemed like a complete lesson carved out just for me, russell with all of the humility he possessed, looked up at me and FINALLY asked if i would help him tie his shoe. a request i was just aching* for him to ask me to help with. of course, i would be more than happy to help him... all he need do was ask.

this little story got me thinking-- well i guess STILL has me thinking many moons later. i think on my life, how i've been blessed with motivation to accomplish things, blessed with gumption to go for it, blessed with talents that shape me into who i am today. all of these things have made sure that i have had a life worth looking back on and being somewhat proud of. but i also look at how stubborn a girl i am at times. how i constantly insist on doing things on my own. how, most times, i am so prideful that i feel like i can tie my proverbial shoe without even knowing how.

the whole time, my Father in Heaven is just up there waiting patiently for me to get tired of my endless frustration that things aren't going together like i want them to, because i was never meant to do them on my own. he sits back, hoping that i ask him for help before i just give up altogether. and ALWAYS when i go to him he has 'smiled' and said "of course, i would be happy to help you."

i feel like this past year has been a crash course on letting not only Heavenly Father help me, but letting others help me where i otherwise wouldn't have been able to in the past. to be honest i have had such a hard time giving up my shoe- just letting go and trusting that there are others that will help. it's so scary sometimes. i can't stand being patient either. i just need to remember to harness my inner-russell and humbly ask for help when i need to.

i'll be back, i've got to go retrieve the latest shoe from the corner where i chucked it and ask for more help!

2009-01-19T12:21:00.003-05:00

HAPPY MLK DAY!

i just wanted to make sure that i paid homage to a man that represents what we as Americans feel proud to say our country is all about. freedom. acceptance. tolerance. change.

sometimes it's easy to feel that change will never happen. can't happen. because how can one man with one idea change others and the way they think? how can years of incorrect thinking go unchallenged for so long with any hope for a difference?

but there ARE people, who are blessed with a gift who, despite what may be a lonely road, fight for that change and win.

thank you for showing us that it's possible Mr. King. and thank you to all those who go unmentioned that fought with you to see it through.

2009-01-15T00:00:00.002-05:00

STEALER!

okay seriously don't judge me for this post. it's a bit of a confession and it's been making me laugh all night about it!

so i am what we call- pathetically and ridiculously poor. i quit my job to have major surgery and now no one will hire me... for anything. even the mall was a fruitless attempt! i have been so LUCKY to have family that have been doing their best to cover the bills i have (which are very few... i'm proud to add), but they can only give so much. i've hired myself out to family and friends and have cleaned and organized for a few stray dollar bills. but even then, the money to fill my tank and pay for things i really need, have left the purse strings a tiny bit too tight!

today i received my new phone (it was free with my "new every two" plan from verizon), which was a small light in my sad little tunnel of poorness, and i took it to the verizon store in the mall to have them transfer all my numbers from one to the other. the process took about 20 mins, so i took a stroll to window shop and salivate.

whilst at an unmentioned store i was plastered at the wall where the costumy-yet adorable jewelry perched before my greedy eyes. i imagined myself adorned in gold chains and bangles or wood bracelets and a gold belt... and then.

this thought just popped into my head.
"i wonder what would happen if i just put one of these necklaces into my purse and walked out."

startled by this thought (because it is definitely not one that i am accustomed to having) i started to actually think it through! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? i thought it through?? have i gone completely insane?? but yes... i did. i looked at the coveted necklace, looked at my escape route... then... i shuddered.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY THOUGHT TWICE ABOU IT!!! HAHAHAHA! WHAT???

of course i didn't take the loot! i haven't gone insane just yet. but seriously, it rattled me just a tiny bit that i would chew on the idea for even as long as i did!

believe me when i say that i am not the law-breaking kind of gal (with the exception of speeding and sometimes thinking it's funny to run a stop sign at 2 am in a residential-- weird i know).

for instance: once upon a time i went on a date with a guy to a movie. when the first movie let out he looked at me and said "double feature?" first off, i didn't understand what he was really saying. i thought for sure he meant that we would go back downstairs, pick a new movie and buy two more tickets. but then as he walked up and down the hallways of the theater to look at the next movie's times... it donned on me that there was never an intention of paying for that second flick. so we chose a movie and found some seats in the back. i couldn't stop giggling (it's what i do when i'm nervous) and i'm sure i looked like a complete DUR to this guy as i couldn't stop giggling at what we were doing and asking lame questions like "well what if they come and ask to see our tickets" -- as if they ever do that!!-- i'm just not cut out for thievery or stealing or any of the like.

i mean i took literal offence when someone would choose my name for the song "who stole the cookie from the cookie jar" who me? NO WAY, IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN ME-- TRY DOUG OR AMY JO!! she actually stole gum from shopko once- she's the girl you're after!

oh dear- i think instead of stealing i'm just going to resort to camping outside of temple square and playing the hymns on my nose for money.

2009-01-14T01:20:00.002-05:00

YET ANOTHER 80's GEM TO BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY!

don't ask me how these songs get into my head- because even i don't know. but golly gosh i sure do love living in the past sometimes!

you know you are a product of the 80's if you can name more than 10 musicians without cheating!

2009-01-12T13:50:00.003-05:00

MEMBER WHEN YOUR BIGGEST WORRIES WERE...

should i eat lucky charms or fruit loops,

would i rather watch full house or the wheel of fortune,

oh dear my science project on the photosynthesis of plants is due tomorrow

if i buy those stickers then i can't afford to get a pack of gum

my favorite friend can't play today so NOW who am i going to play 'school' with

i have to make sure to CALL my seat or else roger's going to steal it

i hope mom doesn't want to go to the fabric store today

YEAH... IF ONLY LIFE STAYED SO SIMPLE!

2009-01-08T14:20:00.002-05:00

IN JUST A FEW SHORT WEEKS...

i'm coming home (for a visit)!

the smile on my face couldn't get any BIGGER!

2009-01-06T00:58:00.005-05:00

LESSON LEARNED:

when a guy are you are flirting with, dating or just met tells you he's

trouble
messed in the head
dangerous
or not a good guy

very quietly turn, walk out the door and then break into a full sprint without ever looking back. or in other words-- believe him when he says these things.

it's not cute, endearing, a way for you to 'help' him and it most certainly does not mean that you understand him better than anyone.

you will save yourself a whole heck of a lot of grief, frustration, embarrassing moments, irritation, awkward conversations, tears and/or possible heart ache.

the end. next.

2009-01-03T14:05:00.011-05:00

MY RETROGRESSIVE YEAR IN REVIEW!

2008 BABY!

2009-01-03T13:34:00.003-05:00

DEAR 2008,

i'm sorry that i am a few days behind but i am writing to say goodbye. this might come as quite a shock, but honestly speaking we all saw it coming. there are parts of you i will miss and parts i most certainly will not. but all in all, i think we did rather well together- even if i did spend most of my time with you, confused.

i did want to thank you for the precious time you gave me with so many wonderful friends. even though the time in boston ran out- i will cherish every last second you gave me there. i miss it dearly and i have made 2009 promise me a few trips back. you also had the foresight to give me more in-depth moments with my good friend andrea healy who's time you knew was growing short. i will hold that season in my heart forever. thank you for giving me that.

you also reunited me with my family and your remaining few months with them were happy ones. playing with nieces and nephews, taking trips with family and making memories with them that will last a lifetime. you were good and smart to do that for me.

i remember you bracing me for change in the beginning. your subtle hints that life was about to change and that you would be a big part of that. you held me steady as i slowly came to all the necessary conclusions about where to take my life and what to do next. it was terrifying and frustrating but it didn't take me long and before i knew it- my life plan had been altered. and surprisingly enough, i was actually ready for change- excited.

do you remember my surprise,though, when i found out that i wouldn't be moving to LA as soon as i once had thought? do you remember how scared i was when i found out that i would be moving to utah to give a kidney to my little sister? you were so good to me then and time slowed down so that i could enjoy life before i would be laid-up or a while. i was silly to be mad at you about that at the time. i didn't realize that those slow moments would mean the world to me as i had incredible experiences, met new life-long friends and gained more confidence in myself and my talents. i'm so sorry that i doubted and complained and questioned. i hope at least this lesson is learned and i won't give 2009 such a hard time.

these last few months together have been hard, yes. i don't mean to blame you and i am so sorry that i couldn't wait to be done with you. but you know as well as i do that it was time to move forward. to take all the lessons you taught and try out the newer, stronger "muscles" in 2009.

thank you for the growth 2008. thank you for the memories. thank you for being a part of my life. i will miss you, but i look forward to 2009 with all of the hope and energy to make it better than what we had together. and i know you want that for me.

yours truly,
peggy

2009-01-02T13:33:00.002-05:00

HONESTY

i cried myself to sleep last night. it was the first time i've done that in a while.

don't worry, life isn't horrible and i'm not generally sad.

i guess i just needed to get it all out-- i needed to mourn all the things hoped for and not seen. i needed to acknowledge that these past few months of laying and healing and waiting have been hard. i needed to cry.

i guess women need to do that more than men... so if you're a dude reading this- you might not understand.

it was also a good moment to have a real heart to heart with my father in heaven. i needed him to hear me say that i longed for things that i can't control. that i wished my imperfect nature were more perfect. that i needed him in my life more.

life is sometimes NOTHING we ever pictured or planned for ourselves. having hope that it can become anything we want it to, despite the challenges and set backs and sharp turns in the road is the only way the growth necessary to make it happen, is achieved.

2008-12-30T13:29:00.003-05:00

THE WANDERER

when one is a single female with endless possibilities, as i am... one has many choices ahead of her, and no one telling her she can't do this or that. there is no compromising with a spouse about where to live, making the choice to stay put while my children go to that particular school because all of their friends are there and no house to worry about selling and all that jazz. in fact, where i choose to take myself has no real bearing on anyone but myself.

and i can handle that... for now.

i was on the phone with a friend yesterday telling him of my latest plans and what they entail and he laughingly called me "the wanderer." it took all of 2.5 seconds to step back, look at myself and realize that he was absolutely right. then it took me all of 2.5 seconds more to decide that i am proud to call myself that.

let's go back to the point that i am a single female. believe me, i have done my best to change that status but somehow the concept of getting married alludes me. regardless, it's something i still hope and wish for with all of my heart because frankly, i am done being single. but needless to say, i don't have a whole lot of control on when i find the man of my dreams and even if i did- if he has it in himself to commit and want to settle down with me.

so this leaves me with two choices. 1) find a place. get a job. get an apartment. hunker down. attend a single's ward til they kick me out. try to go to lame parties with hope. watch a lot of tv. wait for prine charming to drop from the sky. spend a lot of nights alone. OR 2) look for adventures. travel to new places. move to different cities. meet new friends. learn from different cultures. fill my loneliness with LIFE!

that last one there- yeah- that's what i have chosen to do. and i am pretty pleased with myself. because once i do find that man that decides he loves me more than any excuse he could come up with for not marrying me, i won't have one ounce of regret to point to. one moment where i wish i had done more. one shred of doubt that i did the right thing by leaving it all behind to be a wife and a mother.

so here's to my adventurous 2009! my plan is to move to st george (possibly). go to boston for a week at a time in feb, mar and apr. go to italy for the summer to teach theater. spend a few extra weeks exploring europe (spend my 30th birtday there). go back to boston for a visit. and finally-- a whole year and a half after making the decision to do so, move to LA!

one day i will look back and have so many incredible memories to remember. and one day i will get to include my own little family in on my adventures.

it's going to be a good life.

2008-12-26T02:08:00.004-05:00

TWAS A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS INDEED!

for a complete view of all pics taken this year click on the day you'd like to view:

Christmas Eve
Christmas Day

2008-12-24T13:57:00.004-05:00

THIS PAST WEEK I...

went to st. george with my sister-in-law and her 4 kids to visit my parents.

watched enchanted 4 times. my niece and i had to dance and sing to each song- awesome!

got rid of grumpy-pants and put on my life- is- good- and- i- am- blessed- pants

i finally got detoxed all the way!

watched BYU play some really horribly embarrassing football! oy!

made knight in shining armor armor and swords for my nephews-- they look wicked cool!

got called a "fetch face" by one of my most favorite friends- i laughed so hard i peed a little!

wore JEANS for the first time in 2 months! YIPPEEE

had a sleep-over with julie so we could watch a movie and then i fell asleep after the first 15 minutes... i am so turning into my mom!

wasn't in the christmas spirit... it's been a long month... but then i talked to Heavenly Father about it- and he blessed me with some amazing moments... MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO!

2008-12-18T06:43:00.005-05:00

MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT...

so here i am, once again, wide awake at 4-something in the morning. this is my 3rd night in a row with this insomnia and i am not a happy camper. i went to bed at the respectable time of 10-ish and then proceeded to toss and turn and wake up in sweats and then get really cold and a headache... etc. i wondered if i was getting sick, which maybe that's what it is but then i started to wonder...

so i had major surgery a month and a half ago. for the pain i was given oxycodone. (i must admit i really liked the buzz) but for those that know me, taking any type of medicine has never been one of my "things." but because the pain outweighed any hesitancy, took it i did. fast forward a month from surgery and i was still in extreme amounts of pain- the doctors came to the conclusion that i had "nerve damage" near my ribs and said it could feel like broken ribs. well, i have never broken a rib- but if that's what it feels like- sheesh!

anyhoo- for the pain they quickly prescribed a pain medicine for the nerve damage and then more oxycodone... oh and a one week trip to my bed- where i wasn't supposed to move much so i could let the nerves heal. forced bed rest sucks rocks, by the way!

anyhoo- i finished my last dose of the oxycodone/neurontin cocktail last night- but even then i was surprised to find myself wide awake til around 5 am (ususally those meds put me WAY OUT).

so tonight as i silently suffered, i kept wondering if maybe just maybe- after being on narcotics for a month and a half, had me a little... well... addicted. so i quickly googled "what do withdrawals from narcotics fee l like" and came across a message board where a former sufferer gives their suggestions on how to lessen the affects of their symptoms. the list of symptoms looks a little something like...

+ overactive muscles- check!
+ restless leg syndrome- check!
+ diahrrea- thankfully no!
+ headache- check!
+ hot and cold flashes- double check!
+ trouble getting to or staying asleep- oh freak YES!

HOLY COW- I THINK I'm ADDICTED!!

the advice-giver goes on to say that the first 72 hours is the worst and then depending on the level of your addiction it depends on how long thereafter, you suffer. well thankfully i can say that on a scale of 1 - 10 i am probably a level 1 or 2 if i really am addicted- so hopefully that means by tomorrow or the next day i should be good to go-- right? RIGHT?? oh please bless that i will be good to go!

oh i just heard my niece's alarm clock go off- waking her up to get ready for school!!! i should try to get a few hours of sleep if i can- don't you think? or instead maybe i'll try to go find a dealer on the street and just get some relief!

2008-12-11T10:33:00.003-05:00

BOB VILLA WOULD NOT APPROVE!

so when i lived in boston i lived in this crappy, ugly house that was basically falling apart. but i lived there for 4 1/2 years because rent was ridiculously cheap and it was a month to month-- very rare, plus it was wicked easy to catch a bus that would take you to two different train stations. oh and let's not forget that it was within walking distance to a "market basket" (ghetto cheap grocery store), harvard square and my favorite inidan restaurant in union square. it doesn't get much better than that!

however when i say it was falling apart i mean that literally, not figuratively.

for example: the bathroom floor is rotting out. the wood that surrounds the bathtub is so rotted that the tiles above it have fallen out and the wood is so soft you can dig a hole straight through it with your fingernail. and because the wood is so bad in the bathroom, the toilet can't be properly bolted to the floor and so when you sit down on it, it moves and when you stand back up, the whole thing feels like it's going to get up and walk out with you! we were just waiting for the day when the whole of it would drop down into the basement.

moving on to the kitchen... aside from the fact that someone painted it lavender... yes i said lavender and the fact that the linoleum and the cabinets look like they are from 1955, the stove is probably from 1955 as well-- the problem with that being that you can't read any of the numbers on the dials... so you have to guess where 350 degrees is. we were just waiting for the day when the stove would spontaneously combust!

now to the front room. i will only complain here about the carpet that probably was put in around 1973 and then subsequently NEVER WASHED. it was disgusting. we were just waiting for the day when the carpet would get up, do a tap number and walk right out of our house!

then the hallway-- where the wall was lined with the pipes to our gas heat. this lovely gem apparently had several small leaks all along the length of it, according to the gas guy that was finally called in by my last roommate to live in the small room where the pipe ended and seemed to leak the most into. we were just waiting for the day when we would all die a silent death in our slumber or when someone would light a match and our whole house would explode!

then i will sum up the rest of our house by saying that the outside looked just like the scary old houses they describe in horror stories, the front of the house was covered by a huge shrubbery that would grow out of control and try to eat you as you walked up onto the porch that is dying a slow death and going to collapse one day and the "sun room" as i liked to call it, looks like a perfect place to put crazy people. and last but not least our basement... which consists of a million spiders and cobwebs, a hard-packed dirt floor and a shovel in the corner so we can bury all of our victims!

okay so did i do a good enough job of describing this house? if i didn't just ask any one of my friends that used to make fun of me for living there. but i didn't care, it had character.

but the absolute BEST part about this house was my room! truly i loved my room. when i moved in it was hideous. someone had decided to be "artistic" and the top half of the wall was white and the bottom half was lavender (just like our lovely kitchen) and then they had taken a darker purple and attempted to sponge paint from the middle down getting heavier with the dark purple the lower it got. i just can't fathom why anyone would do this- ridiculous! anyhoo i moved in and painted the room a nice taupe and all of the trim was white. it looked nice if i do say so myself. but really the coolest part of my room was that the floorboards had absolutely no insulation so every winter the cold air would seep in and make my room a balmy 14 degrees. i'm pretty sure that i am the only human on this planet that could LOVE this feature of my room. sure it sucked to have to get up in the mornings... but oh the joy i was in snuggled under 5 blankets, all warm and toasty-- i loved it more than i can describe!

so it's funny because ever since moving in with my sister, i have the window to my bedroom cracked and i LOVE the cold air that seeps in. call me crazy, but i can't stand it if i'm not freezing my butt off while i'm in my room and it's all because of my ugly old house! gosh i miss it a lot!

2008-12-08T15:03:00.007-05:00

ONCE UPON A TIME...

... i had a job and made money... real life money that i could spend on anything i wanted... and my bank account had more than $17 in it... much much more

... i lived in boston... in an ugly house/apartment... with roommates and utility bills and crazy upstairs neighbors

... i walked and danced and skipped and frolicked... without pain

... had a dream of moving to LA... okay i still have a dream of moving to LA... it's just taking so dang long to get here

... i could eat indian food anytime i wanted... i just called and they delivered... mmm samosas and tikka misala

... i didn't feel the need to complain as much as i am now. life is slow. there's only so many movies you can watch, so many books you can read, so many scarves you can crochet before life starts looking as bland as a bowl of cream of wheat.

i'm gonna go be grumpy somewhere else now.

2008-11-29T16:17:00.001-05:00

WELCOME CHRISTMAS SEASON 2008!

2008-11-27T00:50:00.004-05:00

hey... it's me

2 weeks and 2 days post-op. pain is manageable and healing is tedious and slow. the hospital was a blur. let me just say- nothing is more humbling than to realize that you can't do ANYTHING for yourself-- walking, eating, going to the bathroom... nothing without the help of someone else... humbling... i was lucky to have amazing nurses and a mom that were so patient with me for all of that.

let me also just say that nothing compares to the moment when you watch your sister with her brand new kidney walk around the hospital room cleaning and organizing-- all full of energy and feeling good! i am so proud of my "little kidney that could" he cleaned out 9 liters of toxic fluid from her body within the 1st 24 hours-- you go my little friend!

i'm also blessed to have the amazing family and friends i do who sent cards, flowers and treats-- who came to visit- who called and emailed and face-booked and texted- who check in daily to make sure i'm okay. i guess i didn't realize what a life-line it would be... there are a lot of lonely moments on the road to recovery- and these small gestures have meant the world to me

life has slowed so much for me i hardly recognize myself. there's a lot of sleeping, walking like a grandma (easy does it), even when i change positions on the couch it's slow and when i'm hepped up on pain pills- i talk slow too.

nothing sucks more than to realize you can't laugh! i know that sounds ridiculous- but i have never felt such pain in my life as the time that i got the giggles and couldn't stop-- i was laughing and crying at the same time-- i haven't experienced the kind of pain that makes one consider suicide, until that moment. oh and it doesn't help when you have a mother who is laughing and crying right along with you-- it's a true story- she got the giggles with me and then when i started howling in pain and crying she started to cry too. the nurses must have thought we had gone psycho when they came it to see what all the fuss was about! ever since then i have had to be extremely careful about things i find funny-- i HATE that!

i'm going to sound like an addict when i say this- but i really like oxycodone. nuff said!

last but not least- i have much to be grateful for this year. i have a healthy body and was able to help my sister to be as healthy as she can be. i have an amazing family who have been so supportive of me my whole life and most especially through this whole process. i have amazing friends who have done their best to show their love for me in the many big and small ways. i have a father in heaven that has guided my life and led me to amazing blessings-- even the ones i can't see yet. i'm such a lucky girl.

happy thanksgiving 2008!

2008-11-05T19:15:00.010-05:00

CONFESSIONS OF A KIDNEY DONOR

this tuesday, november 11th, i will go into the hospital and give a body part to my little sister. only someone who has ever been in this position before can possibly know what kind of emotional roller-coaster it is. and let me tell you-- it's been quite a ride so far!

so i am using this post for two things: a) i want to promote awareness of live organ donation and b) i want to use this forum as a way to journal my thoughts and feelings about this experience-- these feelings that will pass with time, like they always do.

i think it's safe to say that right now, it being two days away, i'm more nervous than i have ever been in my entire life. i'm scared of the unknown-- unknown pain, unknown time-frame of recovery... all of it... frightening. then there's the small chance that something could go wrong... please bless that nothing goes wrong!!! let me tell you, signing a waiver that states that if something goes wrong in the surgery and i end up mentally retarded, my parents have the right to put me in a facility without my consent... ummm.... yeah... weird!! and to top it all off- the fear that this whole process is going to be a very lonely one. lying there, waiting for my body to heal, while the world gets on with itself. people happily bustling about while i'm stuck in my room watching forrest gump for the 18ooth time. i know i'm probably being dramatic and that my natural tendency is to picture the worst... but well... i didn't say i was perfect.

honestly though, the only thing that helps is the thought that i am saving someones quality of life. what an amazing gift to be able to give. and i'm so overwhelmingly excited because my little sister's kidney and mine were like twins in the pre-existence and match each other 100%-- how cool is that? this means that my kidney will LOVE living in her body and probably kick it there without any fuss for probably 50+ years. this also means that in the next few years, she will be able to do something she's wanted to do for so long... adopt a baby and be a mommy. it means that her body will let her keep up with the exhausting task of motherhood that right now, she would not be able to do. and this makes me feel so proud of my little kidney that is leaving my body in 48 hours. as a team, we will get to make her dreams come true-- i couldn't be more happy.

ever since i've been mature enough to understand why, i have put that i would like to be an organ donor on my driver's license. i look at my sister who is rather lucky to have a large family to ask for an organ, and wonder what would her life be like if none of us matched or said 'no.' she would sit on a list for a long time, waiting. dialysis is no picnic in the park... the ultimate killer of a fun, carefree life. she would be held prisoner to this machine that kept her alive... and if the organ never came, eventually her veins would give out, no longer allowing her to accept the help and her life would end. as dramatic as this scenario is, this is the story of so many people who wait day after day for the phone call telling them that they have a fighting chance of survival because someone out there cared enough to be a donor.

if you just don't feel like you know enough about it to say yes... go to this website and get educated:

http://www.donatelife.net/

but i promise you that there is no greater gift you could give a single person in this lifetime, then the gift of life.

well, i'm off. who knows when i will get the chance to write. i promise i will keep you posted on how it all goes! wish us luck!

2008-10-30T14:56:00.007-04:00

SURROUNDING MYSELF WITH GREATNESS:

part 2

as you know, i LOVE it when i can brag about amazing friends that do amazing things! i also love helping them generate business or interest in what they are doing. take a look at the latest edition of my shameless plugs for the good people in my life, the ones that make it interesting!

d a r y l s m i t h
magazine creator and designer

you guys HAVE to subscribe to this magazine. get this, the intent behind this magazine is to highlight the small moments in our every day lives that taught us to learn and grow and to do good things. it's completely advertiser free and is filled with heart-warming stories of how people learned from their parents by the small acts of love, kindness and service.

daryl is one of my dearest friends from boston and he has put his heart and soul into this magazine. follow the link to sign up for your subscription or to sign someone else up as a cool christmas gift!

http://seeingtheeveryday.com/

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

t r e v o r p a r k e r
television producer and show creator

trevor is a new friend of mine. i met him when i first moved back to utah. trevor co-created a show with some friends that airs on the poit 5's (if you know what that means)... it's called MOMUMO and showcases and critiques local bands, artists, actors etc.

so go to his website and show him some love. even if you don't live here or have digital television, you can still download his podcast!

http://www.momumo.com/HOME.html

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

b r a d o v a r d
photographer extraordinaire!

okay so it's not just that he's married to my sister-- it's that he's quite amazing. brad has been photographing wedding memories for several years now and has really learned the art of capturing the most amazing moments on that special day!

so if you are in need of some great pictures on your big day, go to his site and check him out!

http://bradovardphotography.com/Site/Brad_Ovard_Photography.html

2008-10-21T12:00:00.004-04:00

IN LOVING MEMORY...

Andrea Healy
6.11.1970 - 10.19.2008

two days ago my dear friend and co-teacher, ANDREA HEALY passed away. words cannot express the amount of sadness in my heart as the many wonderful memories with her fill my mind. andrea had to be one of the sweetest people i have ever had the pleasure of knowing. she was always thinking of others, always racing to someone else's aid, always making sure others were taken care of. she never did things out of obligation... it was just part of who she was.

she also had great compassion and love for children. andrea and i taught side by side for 4 years and i had the pleasure of learning from her and watching her interact with the children in our classes. i saw how much they loved her and how much she loved being with them. she had a way with them that no one else could duplicate.

i will miss you so much andrea. i will miss our teacher's lunches and our fun dinners together. i will miss hearing your cute laugh at my stupid jokes. i will miss teasing you on IM about the guys are you dating. i will miss sitting in a circle full of children with you... children's theater will not be the same without you.

i love you my friend.

2008-10-14T12:41:00.002-04:00

ROLLING MY EYES AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!

the following words are used to describe my mood over the past few days:
frustrated, anxious, insecure

waiting for ones future to be decided sucks rocks.

for those that haven't heard, i am about 99% done with the required testing that it takes to donate an organ. back in june my little sister announced that she would need a new kidney. she's had kidney failure all her life and this needed kidney will actually be her 2nd donation. knowing that i was one of the next in line from my family to be considered, i went to the doctor's and had my blood tested for tissue and blood match.

the results: 100% match.

this exciting news has changed my life forever. back when she had her last transplant and the doctors told us they weren't sure how long the kidney would last, i made up my mind then and there that i would donate the next time she needed one. it's a decision i haven't looked back on since.

the remainder of the tests have been to make sure my body was healthy enough to donate the kidney. so far, so good. in fact i should get the results of this most recent round of testing (a 6 hour day of getting poked and prodded) within the next few days. if it's good, then i meet with the surgeon and we choose a donation date. the earliest date possible being the middle of november.

in the meantime, i haven't been able to do much by way of getting a job and although i have submitted my resume to several temp agencies, most places want me to be available longer than a month.

so really and truly it's been a very long month of waiting. waiting for results, waiting for calls, waiting for certain days to get here... waiting... waiting... waiting!!!

i'm tired of waiting. i'm sick of my days being filled with errands that come and go quickly. i hate watching my bank account shrivel up because the withdraws outweigh the deposits 100 to 1.

i'm so frustrated.

and then the sick reality of the fact that if we do go forward with the donation, it's 8 more weeks of not doing anything and waiting to get better.

i think i will run away to china. or something.

oh don't listen to me... i'll get over it and feel better in a few days.

2008-10-10T10:26:00.002-04:00

TGIF!!!

gosh sometimes i still wish it was 1990- don't you?

2008-10-07T14:28:00.004-04:00

EMBRACING YOUR GEEKNESS...

i'm missing new england fall this year and i am also missing out on my most favorite activity in the fall... apple picking. okay that's fine, i can deal with that... but please don't ask me to miss out on everything i love about a new england fall!!

story time:

about 4 years ago, i had gone with my ward to our ward camp out that was (up until this year) held at camp joseph (joseph smith's birthplace) in vermont. while among the beautiful trees and such a friend of mine suggested that a few of us go to "town" not far from the campground and get some treats at the local store. once at the store we encountered a man that has forever changed the way i look at apple pie (okay i know i am being dramatic... just go with me). this man was standing in the middle of this small grocery store handing out free slices of apple pie with a scoop of ice cream.

it was AMAZING!

come to find out that we were eating VERMONT MYSTIC APPLE PIE, a frozen pie that had just been heated up and handed to us by the owner. after much inquiry, we found out that he had just recently started this company and that yes, he had just started selling his pies to some WHOLE FOODS in the boston area. we were thrilled.

after returning home we ran to the nearest whole foods and purchased our very own pie for thanksgiving that year... we were not disappointed!

ever since then it's been a love affair.

so this year, as i have had much time on my hands, i became homesick and in need of surrounding myself with things of the home i just left, i got online to see if there were any whole foods in utah. lucky me... there are. then i looked up the VMAP website (go here) to see if they sold their pies out here... THEY DO!

so the other day while i was in salt lake city, i stopped into the whole foods to find my pie! they didn't have it and because it was so important to me (because i am a major geek), i ended up in a full on search with the frozen produce man who helped me try to locate a pie in the salt lake area. when that failed he looked up the product in their book and low and behold-- found that my pie was available for purchase.

i was overjoyed!

then the man looked at me and said- "well how badly do you want this pie- because if we order this for you, you have to buy a full case (6 pies)."

i hemmed, then hawed... then realized that it was worth it! hahaha!

so now in the next few weeks i can expect a full shipment to come in and i am so excited to have a little piece of home with me on this my first thanksgiving in utah in over 5 years!!

but umm... i don't need all 6... does anyone in utah want to buy an amazing pie for $10???

2008-10-06T05:13:00.003-04:00

3 a.m.

hello from 3 am... this is peggy reporting that absolutely nothing interesting happens when you suffer from insomnia and are pointlessly awake at 3 am. so now that i have made the necessary trip to the bathroom, read 10 pages in the Book of Mormon (the story of ammon gives me chills every time!), and checked both email accounts-facebook-blogs-and my bank account, i have run out of things to do to pass the time. so now i will just pontificate.

did anyone else just feel that general conference today was overwhelmingly amazing? i just didn't want it to end. i was soaking in all of the spiritual juices like an old crackly sponge that hadn't seen water in years. and president monson makes me feel like grabbing a cozy blanket and curling up at his feet to listen to his stories and feel his warmth. gosh i LOVE being a member of the church of jesus christ of latter day saints. people that mock and scoff just don't get it- it's amazing and i'm lucky.

so i am getting really tired of flaky people. i get it that we are all busy (and when i say WE i really mean YOU because i don't have anything better to do than sit around and wait for my life to work itself out) but the fact of the matter is-- if you can't commit to something- than don't say you're going to do it and then not do it... it's rude and annoying. and so to the people in my life that have been doing this lately-- i love you- but you suck!

the other night i had this most amazing conversation with someone very dear to my heart and because of that conversation i have decided to take up crocheting (by the way i totally had to look up how to spell the word crochet). i am actually very excited to go to the store tomorrow- or rather today- and buy some yarn and some needles or hooks or whatever you call them and then take a few lessons. the goal now is to have a scarf made by christmas. oh and i was also thinking as i lay here that also learning how to play the guitar could be cool.

in the past year i have been on dates with two guys that remind me so much of each other that it's actually uncanny. they have a few things in common- both of them talk incessantly about themselves- both of them asked me questions about myself and after i started talking, interrupted me to continue to talk about themselves- both of them attempt to mask their insecurities by ingratiating themselves and using money to impress and last but not least both of them have honestly asked me the question (and this is AFTER i just got done listening to them talk about themselves for 2 hours) "so do you have any more questions about me?" are you kidding??? who asks people to ask questions about them??? or maybe people do that and i missed the memo. honestly- i would have asked if i had questions! but they didn't give me a chance to catch up to them after sharing their entire life story with me in a 2 hour setting. so when this most recent dude asked me that question, toward the end of our date, i responded how i responded to the first guy that had asked me that "well do you have any questions for me?" i'm sure this comes across as a selfish way to respond-- but for a guy that 'seems' so into me- it seems he doesn't really want to know anything about me. props to guy #2 for actually asking a question because guy #1 said (and i'm not exaggerating) "no, i don't think so." hahahah! anyway post date, guy #2 texted me the usual post-date-schmoo and i responded and then, i kid you not, his very next text said and i quote "if you have more questions about me, don't hesitate to ask, work is really boring on fridays." SERIOUSLY?!? what could i possibly need to ask? he didn't leave anything out on the date!! so i responded with, and i know this was not the response he was looking for- but i couldn't help but just be straight with the dude- "i think it's funny that you keep asking me to ask questions about you, is there something your dying to tell me that i haven't asked you about?" his response to that took roughly 4 or so hours and then i haven't heard from him since. sorry dude #2- but just like dude #1- it's just not going to work out. but i just can't help but feel sorry for these guys who mask their insecurities in this way. and i know they just can't see how they are coming across and how unattractive it is. gosh i wish there were penalty cards for dating and if you get yellow carded by someone you're on a date with you have to attend a mandatory class on social skills and proper ways of interacting or you can't go on any more dates!

to be honest with you- i HATE election time. don't get me wrong, electing a new president is exciting and interesting and it helps us, as a country, take a look at what we do need to change and all that jazz. but seriously i am so sick and tired of 3rd grade playground politics banter. i'm sick of reading news articles and blogs facebook messages with people making fun of senator palin for not being able to pronounce words correctly or senator biden being emotional. i think there is definitely room to make light of politics and to make fun of the mayhem that is capitol hill (go here for a great example) i know as citizens of the united states of america we want and are entitled to a smart, well-spoken, well-informed person to represent our country... there's nothing wrong with that... but seriously to bash someone else for saying words wrong is quite elementary school of you and i don't want to hear about it anymore. i can't even count on both my hands and my feet how many times i have said wrong words in public speaking moments and heaven forbid i would have someone come up to me afterward and make fun of me for it. seriously can't we just stick to the real topics? can't we just worry about the real stuff and leave someone's weaknesses out of it for a change and talk about the issues? and why do people have to get so firey about it? you really and truly HATE that person? it can't be that you just disagree with his/her view? you actually have to despise them and get into heated, ugly arguments about how they suck? okay you PERFECT people out there- you should run for office and save us all from the world of imperfection that we currently live in! ugh. i can't wait til november has come and gone!

alright- i've word vomited enough for one early morning insomnia induced session. now that it's officially 3:50 am i am going to, once again, attempt to go to sleep. have a good night- or good morning... whatever... peace out!

2008-10-01T10:36:00.005-04:00

OVER THE LAST 6 MONTHS...

i have lost 10 pounds... gained 8 pounds... then lost 9 pounds. my weight control is starting to feel like a story problem you find at the end of each chapter in your math book. "if peggy was chubby and lost 10 pounds then was stressed out of her mind for 2 months and ate ridiculous amounts of fatty foods and gained 8 of those pounds back then got back on track and lost 9 pounds over the following 2 months, how much weight did peggy lose over the past six months? draw a graph to show your work."

i have read several am books. i shall recommend a few of my favorites:

"the life and the times of the thunderbolt kid" by bill bryson
"a great and terrible beauty" by libba bray (it's actually a trilogy... so read all 3)
"the secret life of bees" by sue monk kidd
"the known world" by edward p jones

i moved to a new place, bought a new car, got a new job (well kind of... i'm teaching theater at hale centre theatre on saturday mornings), made some new friends. new is the new old!

i have cried more than i have in a really really long time

i have had the strangest dreams. really violent and bizarre dreams that are wicked intense and really vivid.

i have watched how my father in heaven has taught me, molded me and helped me to find direction and purpose in my life. it's the kind of direction you don't notice at the time but when you take a few steps back and look at how different your life is from what you planned for yourself and you see that what you are looking at is WAY better than what you could ever have conjured up for yourself... it's easy to recognize the hand of a loving father.

2008-09-28T22:46:00.003-04:00

BAIL OUT, SCHMAIL OUT

okay so i am plunging into the abyss otherwise known as my thoughts on the current status of our economy.

i know i'm not the only one that saw this coming. our country has too long been abusers of our wealth and success. we've taken a few too many things for granted and have been a spoiled society.

can you say: hummer, hdtv, flatscreen, bluetooth, ipod, iphone, portable dvd... i could go on.

the current standing of the stock market and economy has me a little unnerved. but then again it has me taking another look at my own life and my own way i've come accustomed to living. okay so i don't need that new iphone that i have been eyeballing. and a fancy-schmancy brand new car? yes please... but the hasselhoff should be good for now and i don't need to get him a new paint job just yet. or get a new computer that doesn't take 8 years to do anything. or a brand new ipod to make me look as cool as you think i am. and cute new clothes and shoes and bags every week? fine, i can make-do with what i've got!

so what's wrong with holding on to something until it doesn't work anymore? do i really need the latest and greatest or to upgrade just because i can? is it that necessary that i get a new outfit ever sing week to feel cute at church? well certainly not if it means that i go into debt for it. if i go out and get a credit card just so i can have these latest most amazing luxuries.

and same goes for you big dudes that still on capitol hill looking for earmarks to fund research on this, that or the other or for budgets that include your personal jet whisking you and the mistress off to cancun to have a "meeting." it's time to start living more carefully. time to save instead of spend. time to really ask if we REALLY and TRULY need all of the things we tack on to each and every bill that is trying to get passed... don't you think?

you'd think with 200+ years of making these same kind of mistakes and riding the economic roller-coaster we would have figured it out by now. but somehow the lure of THINGS and POWER and PROGRESS is far more seductive than prudence and humility and planning.

i guess until we get it, we'll always find ourselves having to ask for a loan. again.

2008-09-25T12:19:00.005-04:00

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...

i miss boston. i know i have said it before but i guess i will just keep saying it until i don't need to say it anymore. it's funny but i miss the weirdest things: taking the bus/train every day. the way davis square sounds on a busy afternoon. i miss harvard square and cvs and night drives going east on mem drive. i miss the faces i saw at church every sunday and the people at wheelock that made me feel like i was part of a family. i miss the way the zakin bridge looks at night and nahant beach on saturday. i miss all of the mom and pop pizza shops and delis and dunkin donuts on every corner. i miss night swimming with my best friends in walden pond and kimball farm ice cream.
my sister's dog grizz almost died last night. he had accidentally found one of my brother-in-law's heart medication pills on the floor and by the time we found him we pretty much thought we had lost him. the doctor at the emergency vet said that a normal blood pressure for a dog is anywhere between 90 and 150. grizz was at 26 when he first came in. luckily we were able to save him and he's home now. but i am still somewhat reeling from all of the adrenaline and fear.
utah is truly the land of fast food restaurants and 24 hour super walmarts. it's no wonder why so many people suffer from obesity in this nation. it's WAY TOO convenient to find yummy, fatty foods at the drop of a hat!
did i mention that i got a new old car? i call him the hasselhoff. i love him. he's so ugly and doesn't have a working radio. but it sure is nice to be able to drive again. i've already marked him with red sox paraphernalia and boy does he look sexy now!
i got asked out 2 days after being here and it gives me hope that my dating life won't really suffer because i'm in "zion."
what an interesting time to be living, no? the presidential campaigning makes me want to give all politicians a time-out for not being able to say nice things to each other and for lying to the american public. the corporate bail-out has me wondering what life is going to look like next year as i'm trying to move myself to CA and get a job and it really has me worried when a magazine such as TIME (in THIS issue) does an article asking "famous" politicians and public figures about how to change the economy crisis and they include MILEY CYRUS! are you kidding me? why are you asking a 15 year-old pop star what she thinks when the biggest problem in her pampered little world is what color extensions will match her new prada bag??!!
i love my family. everyone has been way supportive of me in this move and the up-coming few months. i'm so grateful for each of them. and it's been super awesome reclaiming my spot at the most FAVORITE aunt! yeah that's right- i AM all that!

2008-09-19T12:56:00.007-04:00

THE BIGGEST.... BABY

so i moved. it's been a week, today.

with all of the crazy travel stories to report, the craziness of getting my new car all ready to drive, getting to doctor's appointments and plain just getting settled, i had not given myself time to cry. because let's face it, boston and i were WAY in love. and i have just left my heart behind floating atop the charles river. it's been wicked hard.

so currently i am at my parent's place in st george, utah. and for those that don't know utah geography, st george is the southern most major city before crossing the nevada border... a 4 hour drive from salt lake city.

so this past tuesday i jumped in my car and headed south to spend time with my parents for the week. 4 hours of alone time is plenty of time to pull the cork from the proverbial emotional soda bottle that had been shaken for several days and is ready to burst. and burst i did.

i had had a good cry by the time i reached my parents house and had pretty much gained my composure long enough to get settled in.

my mom was gone, so my dad cooked his typical dinner (steak) and we sat in front of the TV with our dinner to watch my parent's favorite show "the biggest loser." so there i was, eating dinner and watching the first episode where we get introduced to all of the players, when i got sideswiped from two of the contestants.

tom and tom jr are a father/son team from boston. and of course we watched as the cameras followed the two gentlemen around their home town.

then they announce that tom and tom jr are both cab drivers in somerville-- my old home-- and i LOST IT!!!

tears were streaming down my face as i watched tom jr pull into the burger king that was right down the street from my house. the burger king that was a life support after a long or bad day. the burger king where late night runs that may or may not have happened on a late sunday night when a few girlfriends and i were desperate for fatty foods and a diet coke!!!

there was my poor father, sitting there helpless, watching his 29 year old daughter have a breakdown over a burger king. his fork had stopped mid stride to his mouth. and then in typical dude fashion he snapped out of it and turned back to the TV.

i, of course, took a little bit longer coming back to reality but was able to finally gain control and watch the rest of the episode without creating my own "episode!"

i would personally like to thank the biggest loser for turning me into the biggest baby. oh and for inspiring me to get in better shape!

2008-09-13T23:28:00.003-04:00

I COULDN'T HATE THIS MORE...

if i have to see another guy wearing this-- i think i literally will go POSTAL. this has to be the absolute stupidestest thing i have ever seen members of the male species wearing. i don't know why it angers me so much... but it boils my blood. maybe because it's this kind of crap that makes me think of the emperor's new clothes-- no one is out there telling the men that they look ridiculous- no matter who in hollywood or who in the fashion world tells them it's good.

nope. wrong. try again.

hey dude... dolly parton called and wants her skirt back!!!

2008-09-03T21:05:00.002-04:00

MOMENTS LIKE THIS...

.....make me miss boston already!

2008-08-28T22:51:00.002-04:00

HOW WILL I SURVIVE?????

this is where i get about 98% of all my clothes, shoes, jewelry and handbags. i will be in utah for the next 4 - 5 months. the nearest h&m is in vegas. roughly 6 hours away. i seriously will go through some MAJOR shopping withdrawls and i just don't think i'm prepared for that.

2008-08-26T14:25:00.008-04:00

CONFESSIONS

musings you probably don't care about but i write nonetheless

i don't read other people's blogs anymore. i don't know if it's just boredom with blogging, if i'm just in a different 'phase' or who knows what. and it's not that i don't LOVE my friends and their blogs... i just don't read them for some reason. so i won't hold it against you if you stop reading mine.

i can NEVER get the 'le' / 'el' rule right in spelling. it happens to me all the time. and the word angel always causes a certain amount of panic that is hard to describe. angel.... angle... yikes! oh, and i get scared about the 'ley' / 'ely' rule too. like the word 'completely' makes me type and re-type every single time!!

i read a lot. my book choices are varied-- from classical to contemporary... and i find that while i am submersed in the book i am reading at that moment, i start narrating my life and it's almost always is in the style of the author that i am reading. classical novel ex: "she felt a tug of nervous sway as she walked along the pavement that led to her imminent encounter with the man that she had always loved and never found the words to express such feelings to. the wind swept at her hair and it danced in the outskirts of the awkward world that occupied her mind..."

so i was engaged at 19. we were going to be married on May 11 of that year. i was just thinking about how every year on May 11 i think to myself- for just a split second- "man,i was going to get married today." and it's not like i am sad that we aren't married- on the contrary... but it's just a passing thought and i wonder if there is ever going to be a year i don't think it.

i snore. and there has never been a moment in my small life's history that i haven't been completely embarrassed by this fact

i find that the stranger the scenario- the better my life is. i love when weird stuff happens to me. the weirdos on the bus FLOCK to me-- i have stories to prove it-- and i seem to have this innate ability to notice the strange things going on around me. i love it!!

i have a hard time convincing people that i LIKE to be alone more than i like to be around people. guess you really have to know me to understand. but sometimes i wish that people would just believe me!

2008-08-21T14:59:00.003-04:00

so one day it's possible to feel like crap

and then the next day realize you were being silly

and then the very next day after that you realize how lucky you are

and you are humbled

and so life continues like this in the same cycle

until one day, when you start to feel like crap, you stop yourself

and remind yourself that you indeed are a very lucky person

then you don't have to go through the few days of poop-dom

maybe when i'm 80 i will finally get how to do that

until then i will just be content with realizing TODAY that i am a lucky girl.

2008-08-17T08:58:00.003-04:00

there's only so long you can coast.

then change hits you over the head like a tidal wave.

and you're left feeling stupid that you didn't see it coming.

or rather, that you ignored the fact that is was coming.

today is not a good day.

2008-08-07T11:22:00.004-04:00

ON MY MIND...

i've got some things on my mind. mind if i share?

i move in just a few short weeks. well 4ish to be exact. and i find myself in this really weird place of not feeling like i belong anywhere.

i am trying to pry my strong fingers from the hold they've had on boston (the home i love) and start looking forward. but due to some unforeseen changes in my plans, i don't know what forward looks like.

i'll be in utah for a while-- and because of said unforeseen circumstances i don't know how long i will be there. but utah hasn't felt like home in 5 years. and whereas my family is there and i love being around them, utah no longer feels like the place i flourish... the place i thrive. so believe me when i say i won't be there very long, if i can help it.

then there's california. i am actually really excited to go, believe it or not. i have finally come to the realization that i am making the best decision for myself by going out there... so i look forward with a sense of christmas-eve-like anticipation and giddiness. but, it's still not home to me- yet.

and back to thinking about leaving here. you just have no idea how much i am going to miss it here. my heart aches as the memories flood my head. i have joked before that it's like i just got voted off american idol and they just pushed play on my "exit montage" where really sad music sings a goodbye to me and we watch all of the good times, hard times, happy times and miserable times flow into and out of each other.

i will always think of boston as the place i grew up. the place i found myself. the friends that have been my strength, the men i have fallen in love with and lost, the leaders in my life, the co-workers, the "soldiers" i fought with every tuesday night for 3 years-- they are all a part of this change in me-- my transformation. i certainly didn't do it on my own- and i certainly wouldn't have found myself on the other side of all of that without each one of them.

so the following posts- until i leave- will be a tribute to the things i will always love about this place. i guess, in a way, it's my way of keeping them locked in my heart forever.

2008-07-30T22:26:00.002-04:00

EXCUSE ME... CAN I TALK TO YOU?!?!

well my 4th year of summer theater camp has just about come to a close; this is the point where i need therapy to stop the nervous twitch on my hand that continuously slaps my face every 5 minutes or so and i am unable to keep the drool from sliding down my chin. it's been fun, crazy and for 2 years running i have cleaned the SAME GIRL's pee off the floor after she peed her pants... and for the record- BOTH TIMES occurred RIGHT AFTER a potty break. yes i am bitter.

i've had my fair share of kids with developmental disorders, crazy parents, crushes on some of the sweetest boys known to man, been surprised at the level of creativity and verbal skills some of these kids have and laughed out loud more times than i can count.

we've made masks and puppets and backdrops and stories. we've danced to cool songs, created characters and fractured fairy tales and nursery rhyme tableaus. we've learned new songs and made new friends and ate snacks and watched cartoons and played games and went on a nature walk. we did kabuki theater and pantomime and melodrama. we made a "camp fire" and did a barnyard dance and played twizzle. we turned ourselves into monsters and dinosaurs and cars and fairies and ducks and old people and dragons and aliens.

i've employed my tried and true method of staying sane when i am about to lose my cool- SING EVERYTHING... just sing... sing a song... sing when it's time to clean up... sing when you are trying to find out for the 1800th time whose shoes are sitting in the middle of the floor... sing when it's time for potty breaks and trips to the drinking fountain.... SING!!!

i've learned a lot more about myself this month than i could do in 10 years. i've learned a lot more about what my limitations are and how to stay calm when everything else about how i'm feeling would rather rage. i've learned that it's really really true that i am the type of person that NEEDS to get more than 6 hours of sleep at night or... you better watch out. i've learned that i don't have all the answers, am not always creative and will never stop asking other people what they think.

here's to another successful year of children's theater!

a quasi-poem titled:
work-schmerk- it's just children's theater!

this work is rewarding

this work is exhausting
this work makes me feel good
this work makes me frustrated
this work is fun
this work isn't fun
this work pays wicked well
this work only pays wicked well for 1 month
this work helps me know i am good at something
this works lets me know i have so much farther to go
the end.

[the title of this post is a direct quote from one boy i had in my class, who, during every possible inappropriate moment would shoot his hand in the air and say "excuse me, but can i talk to you?"... and i never thought i would say this: but i miss that already]

2008-07-22T19:19:00.003-04:00

SO SHE MADE ME CRY...

this is a picture of my sister whitney. some of you may be surprised to see that she is standing-- as she is now paraplegic. this picture was taken at the age of two, probably just a few months before a fateful surgery would claim her ability to walk.

well whit is now blogging on a site for disabled folk and she most recently posted this blog about her baby boy... and thanks a lot whit... you made me cry like a baby! but truly, it's a very beautiful post and i wanted to share it with all of you.

MUSINGS ABOUT MOTHERS:

My little boy started truly walking about a month ago. It surprised me at how reflective that made me, just as much as it did when my daughter started walking. Watching his toddling, precarious gait propel him across a room fills me with a huge sense of pride in his accomplishment, but also because I made that! I helped him do that. Its sounds stupid but its almost like the feeling when you make a slam dunk when you and maybe other people didn't think you could. I may be in a wheelchair but I helped my son walk and I'm damn proud of it! And its almost something I want to say to other people when they give me that smile that people give babies when they are doing something cute. "See - I taught him that!"

It also makes me think of a picture I have of me. A little strawberry blonde cherub standing there in a pink dress giving a scrunchy smile to the camera. Standing there. My mother got to help me take my first steps as well. But then it was taken away from her. I constantly marvel at my mother's fortitude throughout the years. Our family has been through so much physically, mentally and spiritually through the years that if I wrote a family biography, everyone would accuse me of making it up. And through it all she seems to take most everything in stride. But she told me a story once. Right before they admitted me to the hospital for the surgery that ultimately paralyzed me, she had been scolding me. They had just finished waxing the hallway and I was running up and down like two year olds would. When I came out the anesthesia, and my legs weren't working, she told me that her guilt almost overwhelmed her. She had been yelling at me for using the legs that would never work right again. What a thing to think about at a time like that. But as a mother now myself, I understand what she felt. I get the seemingly irrational, emotional response to her crisis. Those precious little legs that she helped take those first few steps would never walk again and there was nothing she could have done about it. Her need to take responsibility needed to go somewhere, how ever illogical it went. But she got a greater gift then I will ever hope to get. She helped me become mobile twice. Her gentle encouragement through tears helped me learn to sit up again, to crawl around on my bum and knees, to use arms that would be for so many years my legs, and finally to be as independent a person as I could ever be.

So I guess what it really comes down to is this. I am passing my mother's legacy on to my kids. I am helping them to walk when I can't because my mom taught me first.

2008-07-13T15:21:00.002-04:00

IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING...

7 layer bean dip makes me more happy than christmas

oh and

if you eat a peanut butter m n m and a gummie worm at the same time, it tastes EXACTLY like a flinstone's vitamin... no joke.

2008-06-23T17:22:00.008-04:00

PAPA CAN YOU HEAR ME???

i've been busy... so my father's day tribute is coming a little late... but knowing my dad, he'll forgive me! (dad i promise i started writing this BEFORE our conversation tonight!)

who would you become if your mother died when you were 4 and your father ran away from home when you were 7 never to be heard from again? oh and don't forget that you were then raised dirt-poor by your grandmother and abusive step-grandfather.

i'll tell you who my dad became:

he joined the marines and because he worked so hard he retired as a Master-Gunnery Sargent, the highest title an enlisted man can achieve. he met my mom, courted her and asked her to be his wife. 3 kids and 10 years later he continued to thirst for truth in a church that made sense to him. he hounded his commanding officer to tell him more about the mormon church and after subscribing to all of the principals of the gospel- he joined (along with the rest of my family) the church of jesus christ of latter day saints- and never looked back.

in 1979 he retired from the marines and moved the family to UT so he could go to college. after nearly 7 years of going to school, working 3 jobs and being the father of now 8 kids he graduated with honors from brigham young university. he then worked hard at his job in the information systems department for our church. he's been the most amazing leader in a family that has dealt with several physical and mental disabilities- he's used his priesthood to bless and care for each one of his children. he's been the bishop of a young ward and has served faithfully in each calling he's ever been assigned to.

after nearly 20 years of employment at the church headquarters he retired! not one to sit still, he and my mom then signed up to serve a mission for our church- something that he'd always wanted to do. after a faithful mission to nauvoo he took my mom down to saint george, ut and started a non-profit theater troupe in his retirement community where he enjoys doing what he's always wanted to do... be an actor!

AND THAT's JUST THE NUTSHELL VERSION!

my favorite dad-isms

+ my dad told the coolest stories when we were growing up. he told stories of the boy-indian named neechi. like the one about neechi going on the quest to rescue the captured princess. or how about the one where neechi needs to pass the test of man-hood by getting the eagle feather from the highest peak and crossing the line before sunset. i have fond memories of lying there at night, with my eyes closed, getting lost in those stories and seeing vivid images in my mind of the tales he would create.

+ my dad (and mom) had the best garden! he even forced us to watch the most boring "how to garden" videos for family home evening so that we could all learn how to tend and take care of our vegetables. now that i am older i can appreciate his willingness to learn to do it the right way. and i must say- we had THE BEST garden in all of so jo and for the record there is nothing better than a fresh salad straight from your own backyard! both of my parents loved to be outside working hard on their flowers and trees... we always had the most beautiful yard in all the neighborhood!

+ i got my sweet tooth from my dad! dad's favorite thing was to sit down to a movie or sports on tv with plenty of snacks and beverage to consume! general conference in my home was equivalent to most people's super bowl sunday- chips, popcorn, nuts, soda-- the works! we as kids also delighted in convincing our dad that he should stop at dairy queen (his favorite ice cream place) on the way home from any one of the many outings. we would start by saying things like "oh, i could really go for a buster bar right now" and then someone else would chime in "oh yeah, that sounds really really good" then we would hold our breath as the dairy queen approached to see if dad had been 'conned' into stopping to get ice cream. without a doubt it would always work and we would burst into shouts of joy that we had tricked him once again... or did he just let us think we were convincing him?

+ my dad loves to know that his kids are happy and taken care of. he likes to be able to give his kids anything in the world, it's his way of showing love and it's always made him sad when he couldn't afford it. a few weeks ago i went down to visit my parents. money for me has been really tight lately and boy did i feel like a million dollars the way my parents took care of me! well one of the days my mom and i went shopping and by chance i tried on a dress that we both agreed was AWESOME. but, it was pretty expensive and so reluctantly i put it back on the rack. that afternoon my mom and i both were lamenting the loss of the perfect dress and i suppose we mentioned it one too many times because after dinner that night my dad drove us back to the store, stopped in front and told my mom to go buy it for me "or else [he] would never hear the end of it!"

+ by the way he has treated my mom, my dad has shown me how i should be treated as a woman. his respect for her, his willingness to help in any way, his support of her own dreams. this man knows how to value women. likewise, he taught me to have a voice, how to be an independent woman with an opinion he may not always agree with, but one he certainly is willing to listen to.

so this is my tribute to my dad, who every time i look at him i am looking into a mirror. who's strengths i wish i possessed and who's weaknesses i share. who exemplifies hard work, faith in the gospel and triumph over trials. i am grateful for my amazing friend; my dating coach, my life coach and even my softball coach. i know you have many years ahead in life, but i know it will be one of the saddest days of my life when you are not around to pick up the phone and be my support. thank you for all you have taught me and still continue to teach me.

i love you daddy!

2008-06-19T00:41:00.006-04:00

COP-OUT BLOG? THINK AGAIN.

i usually only post other people's blogs when i can't think of anything else or i am extremely lazy to come up with something on my own. not today. i read this post by my friend "likely" and it resonated... so i thought i would pass it along. enjoy!

LIKELY's WANTING

2008-06-11T12:04:00.007-04:00

IF ONLY...

i have loved to dance my whole life and have had the kind of training to make me 'okay' not 'amazing.' but even if my extension sucks and i don't have much turnout to speak of... my heart is still 100% dancer! just ask my family who lovingly endured countless dance routines and even a full-fledged version of SWAN LAKE that i created from a tape of the symphony my brother john gave me when i was 11.

in high school my dance hero was choreographer susan stroman. she's won several tony's and has choreographed for broadway since the early 90's. i have always LOVED her style and always wished i could dance for her.

for the past few years the tv series "so you think you can dance" has been showcasing the art of dance, in all its forms. despite what you may think, i am not an avid fan of the show (mostly because we don't have cable at my house) and so what i have seen has come from the blessed invention of youtube. which as a side note, is THE best way to watch shows like american idol and sytycd!

over the past few days i have found myself scouring youtube to watch not only the most recent episodes of this current season, but also watching all of the dance routines i have missed over the past few years. and i must say, without any hesitation that i have a dancer girl-crush on mia michaels!

and with each new mia michael'd-sytycd routine i watch, i fall in love even more. her diversity, her creativity and most especially her heart. i can't get enough of her style. she makes each dancer look amazing with the material she creates. hair-raising every single time!

here are some of my favorites:

oh, IF ONLY i was the kind of dancer that would ever have the pleasure of working with her. it's okay that i'm not. so i decided this morning that when we get to heaven i am so taking classes from her... and i will be amazing by then and ask her to create an amazing dance for me and my dream will finally come true! and you are all invited to the big show!

2008-06-02T19:27:00.002-04:00

OH THAT IS EMBARRASSING!!!

today was warm, the perfect weather for skirt wearing
so i did
i LOVE this skirt with all my heart
it's hem sits far enough below my knee
that i don't have to worry about special underwear being seen
it's got pockets, deep pockets
plus it was cheap
all around a great skirt right?
right.

today i was a tiny bit loopy.
i'm not sure if it's psycho allergies
or head cold
or allergies turned head cold
in any case i have taken a lot of medicine to aid in sleep
so this morning i was just slightly out of it

i reach my bus stop with a good 8 minutes until the supposed bus arrival
(you never can tell with the MBTA)
the sun was shining
my head was swelling
but i felt great
so i leaned my head back to take in the sunshine and the light breeze
well make that, a gustly kind of wind
all the same it felt amazing

my hair and my skirt fluttered in the wind and relaxed all my senses to take in this glorious moment
but then
i noticed i felt just a tiny bit MORE breeze around my thighs
yes, i said my thighs
i look up then down
and notice that the wind had blown my skirt up
that the hem that usually sits far enough below my knee
was now attached to the waist of my skirt
exposing pretty much everything below my belly button

now yes this would be embarrassing for just about anyone
who knows how long i had been that way before i clued in
but now imagine my embarrassment when i realize that anyone that saw me
is going to wonder why oh why does that girl wear
BRIGHT WHITE BIKER SHORTS under her skirt?

yes, i chuckled to myself
released the hem of my skirt
and glanced around at all of the cars
wondering which of these lucky drivers had a great story to tell around the water cooler today!

2008-05-30T16:54:00.004-04:00

RECHARGABLE PEGGY

what recharges your batteries?

me? that's easy.

spending 4 stress-free days with the two people that gave me life, did their best to raise me and have become some of my best friends on this planet.

every morning we woke, ate breakfast and went swimming at their clubhouse in the pool that overlooks the red rock mountains of southern utah. my mom and i went shopping and she and my dad bought me an early birthday present: a dress that my mom and i decided i HAD to have after i tried it on. we went to see inidana jones, ate at yummy places, talked outside on their patio til it got too dark to see each other, played with their new baby puppies, traversed the beautiful zion national park and about 40 trips to the walmart that is 1/3 of a mile down the road from their house.

yeah it's weird to watch your parents get older... but i marveled at my mother's beautiful skin- you'd NEVER guess that she just turned 67. and i was amazed that my dad out-lapped me in the pool... by a good 10 laps!

and then there are those things that will never change... my mom still rules the roost and my dad would STILL do anything for her, all she has to do is ask. my dad still starts off a road-trip adventure with plenty of treats and a cooler full of drinks and my mom still starts off by saying she won't have any, and then sneaks a few here and there.

i loved quietly sitting in my room, listening to my mom cook dinner as she practices her lines from the next show she's in, to the dogs at her feet. i loved teasing my dad that he actually preferred to stay in the car and listen to his books on tape rather than come into the shopping center with me and my mom.

i pretty much had the most perfect week. i am pretty much as tan as i can get. i am pretty much recharged and ready for a great summer.

thanks for the perfect week mom and dad!

2008-05-21T22:26:00.004-04:00

WW FEDERATION! let the games begin!

i did it. 1 part because some of my friends are doing it. 1 part curiosity. 1 part because i was already kind of doing it without really keeping track and really really doing it for really and truly.

i joined weight watchers.

once i had lost this most recent 10 pounds, i realized that i could probably stand to lose 10-15 more... so that i could be truly care-free about my body. i'm not one that usually obsesses over how much i weigh- but- when certain pants that used to fit don't really well... button up anymore... i think you get where i'm coming from!

the clincher for me has been watching people all around me find enormous success being on this program (a husband/wife team i know has lost 90 lbs collectively)... and once some of my best girls started doing it- i really got interested!

maybe some of you out there don't know how it works. quick explanation: track what you eat based on calories/fat content/fiber content and portion size. you are given an allotted set of points every day (you get 35 extra points throughout the week and can earn points if you workout). then you track what you eat throughout the day and it tallies your points for you. you weigh in only 1 time a week. you can eat anything you want (if you are on the flex plan) you just have to map out what you are eating every day to make sure you don't go over! the end. pretty simple. pretty addictive. pretty telling of just how good or bad you've been eating.

monday, day 1- pretty much laughable. before i joined and started keeping track of caloric intake, i ate several bowls of sugar cereal... my points for breakfast alone: 14. DUDE i am only given 22 points a day! i had just eaten 3/4 of my points in one meal... this wasn't going to be good. and at the end of the day with a lunch and a ward bbq under my belt i had eaten 15 points OVER my allotted points. (it's a good thing i went running that morning!)

tuesday, day 2- i was off to a good start. i planned better and ate better... through the whole day. i discovered the 100 Calorie Pack dessert items which are a life-saver. then night came and so did my awareness of just how addicted to sugar i really am. i pretty much went through really horrible withdrawal symptoms of shakiness and panicky-ness. it was so weird. my body has NEVER reacted to anything like that before. and sad to say i binged on the 100 calorie hostess cupcakes. i ate 5 points over my limit. not as bad as the first night... but still.

today, day 3- i did even better. i fortified myself with really great, low-point snacks for when i really started to lose it and didn't struggle as much... until the nighttime... do i see a trend? i was on the bus and about ready to eat my arm off. i was so hungry and just wanted so badly to tear into the box of 100 calorie cookies i had just purchased... but i held strong. so today, with the extra snack i had at lunch and and extra snack at dinner-- i am only 2 points over!

i'm actually kind of excited to see not only how this will affect my body, but my eating habits in general. for the first time in my life i am actually taking into account just how much fat and such i am putting into my body. the website also helps you keep track of how much water, fruits and veg, milk and vitamin supplements you are eating. and i like that. it helps me to be more aware of the places i can improve. oh and the best part about it-- i don't have to go to meetings if i don't want to... and i don't want to. i do it all online! perfect!

so wish me luck. i'm off to go drink some more water and plan my meals for tomorrow!

2008-05-15T16:50:00.006-04:00

I'M BORED... WHY NOT BLOG???

the following is a list of things i have learned since january 2008

~ following your dreams is a lot harder and so much more expensive than they tell you it's going to be.

~ wasting time on the internet is both stupid and enjoyable at the same time

~ diane keaton movies are, by far, the best movies to watch when you are sick

~ it is much easier to assume that he doesn't like you rather than hope that he does... chances are... if he really does like you, you won't have to guess... or do any of the 'work.'

~ boston winters are like having to go to the dentist once a week to get a tooth pulled

~ the movie IRON MAN was way better than i was ever expecting and far funnier than i could have hoped for.

~ every day is a good day to eat fondue

~ you know someone is a good friend when after a really long time of not talking to them, you spend an easy hour picking up where you left off... oh and you tell them that if they really loved you they would come to visit you in boston and then they book a flight!

~ the D riverside train on the green line ALWAYS smells like poop. always.

~ when you have CR, the best thing to do is to go shopping and throw out everything you have ever worn previously.

~ i hate the bus.

~ i love diet coke.

~ i CAN lose 10 pounds when i put the effort into it and make better choices. i really did. i lost the 10!

~ if you are really poor and really sick and need to go to the doctor, but can't really afford it... just get rear-ended on the way to the hospital and then the other guy's insurance will foot the bill

~ RED BOX is my most favorite invention in the new millennium. i have almost seen every movie it stores and i am chomping at the bit for new releases all the time!

~ i'm really into the color teal/blue-green/cerulean/aqua these days... i'm quite obsessed.

2008-05-14T11:45:00.004-04:00

CRYBABY!

so i know i've talked before about turning into my mom and being more tearful than normal (see here). those of you that know me, also know that i am the most ridiculously nostalgic person on the planet. i LOVE reminiscing, watching old home movies (even other people's... i know that's weird), looking at pictures, talking about past adventures with loved ones. i LOVE "reliving" the past in my head.

however, you take me (the nostalgic crybaby) and you tell her to move thousands of miles away from a place she loves with all of her heart and you've got so much more than a crybaby... you've got a blubbering mess.

lately i find myself crying at the slightest thing. a piece of paper i found in a old purse that was from one of my adventures to maine, a drawing that russell made for me when he was 2, cleaning out my car to sell it and hanging from the rear view mirror is a plastic snowflake a friend gave me at my first relief society christmas dinner here. TEARS for each one. LAME!

it doesn't stop there though. how about conversations with friends that i have known ever since i moved here, pictures galore of the many wild and crazy cavortings and all of the many many great memories that somehow fill my mind as i am sitting quietly on the bus... MORE TEARS.

so today was the perfect peek into what i will be like come sept 3. i took the red line to work today and i got on at kendall. from kendall one goes above ground on the longfellow bridge to see only the most amazing view of the charles river and the boston skyline ever! IMMEDIATE TEARS! it was actually kind of embarrassing.

but i can't help it. these reactions are coming from a very deep down place. i feel like i am breaking up with boston and yet i am still in love with it. and it's so hard!

anyhoo- for those of you that are forced to put up with me for the next two months- i'm so sorry in advance but i just don't see me changing!

2008-05-12T11:02:00.004-04:00

WHEN YOU HAVE PICTURES LIKE THESE...

...YOU KNOW IT'S BEEN A FUN WEEKEND!!!

this post was brought to you by the social binge i went on this past weekend. i think i was making up for the 6 days stuck in bed being wicked sick and the social-life killer of a job i have!

2008-05-09T12:10:00.003-04:00

THE BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

i have been waiting to post this announcement publicly until my employer had officially been told of my plans. now that that is out of the way, i feel more comfortable making it known to all the world about what i am up to in the next few months!

go HERE to read my cute little poem and if you don't already know, to find out what my big announcement is!!!

2008-05-08T01:26:00.004-04:00

SWEDISH FISH FOR THE SOUL

sometimes i just need a few days to indulge in all of the little things that make me happy.

going on day trips
spending time outside just being- sitting quietly and soaking in the sun.
working on a project that makes me sparkle
diet coke
going to the movies with a really good friend
eating swedish fish
watching waves crash up on the shore
eating dinner outside in a park
taking things at a slower pace
sitting in my favorite spot on the bus
wearing skirts
sleeping in
painting my nails
organizing my closet- it must be colored-coded
kimball farms ice cream
talking girl talk til the early hours with really good friends
shaved legs and clean sheets
reading past entries in my journals
checking things off my "to do" list
learning something new

so i did all of that. it feels good. i feel good. life is a small bowl of swedish fish once again!

2008-04-29T01:32:00.009-04:00

DO YOU HAVE A SPARKLE?

today i, for the first time, watched

despite what you may or may not have read in the reviews, i give this movie two peggy thumbs up! i LOVE that it's a really clean family friendly movie with no "potty humor" additives to "make the kids laugh." and i am really starting to fall in love with this up and coming writer/director ZACH HELM, who was also writer/director of another favorite film: "stranger than fiction." good writing. great directing. can't wait to see what he comes up with next!

of course because this is where i am in my life and brain right now, i saw very significant lessons at the heart of this little story that resonated with me... shall i tell you what they are?

alright, follow me into peggy's parallel land!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

mr. helm starts off his story introducing us to a character named mahoney. played rather sweetly by natalie portman. the narrator (who is also mahoney's 10 year old friend, eric) begins by explaining that:

"when she was younger everyone thought she was a musical genius, a brilliant pianist. and she believed them but now, as she became a grown-up, she wasn't so sure i don't know why grown-ups don't believe what they did when they were kids i mean, aren't they supposed to be smarter? what mahoney needed was the opportunity to prove to herself that she was something more than what she believed"

mahoney, apparently has fallen victim to that disease that many of us eventually succumb to as we grow up... that fear that we really aren't all that great at the things we love to do.

rubbish.

later in the movie, as mahoney is riding on the bus she comes across a sign that makes her stop.

it reads:
DO YOU HAVE A SPARKLE?

obviously the writer isn't asking us if we've brushed our teeth. he wants us to stop and think about whether or not we are fulling the measure of our creation or just living. he wants us to question ourselves as to whether or not we still have that same passion for the things we love, our talents, because when we submerse ourselves into those passions- we sparkle

so mahoney asks a friend. if when he looks at her he sees a sparkle... in attempt to make herself more clear she says

"[a sparkle] like something reflective of something bigger that's trying to get out"

he responds honestly with
"it might not be so much a sparkle maybe more of a twinkle?... a glint?"

so many times i look in the mirror at myself and wonder what happened to the sparkle i used to have. it's still in there somewhere... but like mahoney, it's more a twinkle or glint these days. it's like my diamond got a little dusty.

earlier in the movie mr magorium has given mahoney something very very special... a block of wood. he tells her that the key to all of her magic lies within the block. she doesn't understand... it's just a block of wood!

often in life doesn't it seem that what we are given feels like a block of wood? either it's as boring as the daily ins and outs that don't get much more exciting than who's going to win on american idol, or sometimes the trials we have to face may feel like that same old block of wood- keeping us where we always are, in a pit. but what if the block of wood has so much more potential than just sitting there being a block of wood? what if you could turn that block of wood into anything you want and make it exciting?

through the help of a friend:
"what you need to believe in... it's not the block of wood, it's not the store,it's not me.
maybe what you need to believe in... is you"

mahoney realizes that she was the block that just needed to believe again that she could be anything that she wanted to be, that a block of wood has potential to have millions of possibilities- as long as you believe they can be. and before she knew it-

SHE GOT HER SPARKLE BACK!

so here i am at this same place as mahoney. i had a few good friends point out that i was only twinkling. helped me to see that i needed to trust myself and believe in all the magical possibilities that my block of wood can be. i'm not 100% great at it yet. (even mahoney started out a little shaky) but i get stronger each time i believe just a little more in myself.

so what did mahoney do next in the story?

she created! she made magic happen! she brightened the world with the talents she has. all of her possibilities unfolded and now there was nothing to stop her.

that is the natural next step. a sparkle only works when you shine it on something. sparkles are meant to brighten others and we only get brighter the more we shine on!

okay so i am taking a cue from her- i'm going out, to create to make magic happen and watch the world become a little brighter because i am sparkling!!!

2008-04-26T03:11:00.004-04:00

YES, THIS REALLY IS MY LIFE!

WED APR 23
i started feeling sick around lunchtime. by the end of the day, i was miserable. my throat was in bad shape. on the way home i stopped at the local mini-mart that is just across the street from my bus stop. i grabbed all the comfort foods i could find and then asked the guy to snag me those nyquil tablets from behind the counter and i was all set.

THURS APR 24
around 2amish i was awakened with horrible joint pain and a fever... not to mention that my throat was now sore enough to start complaining about it. boo. i took more medicine and tried to get more sleep.

then somehow i managed to get myself to work that morning, only to discover that i had used every last bit of energy i had left trying to get there. and at this point my throat was so swollen that i had a hard time talking and swallowing. as i walked into the office one of the producers looked at my and said "OMG what happened to your throat???" further verifying in my mind that indeed i looked like the elephant man! (i tried to take a picture of the elephant man when it was in it's full glory, but i was too drugged up and they all came out too fuzzy to see anything)

so i went home. at 4:15 i had my doctor's appointment. he took a culture (that wasn't due for a couple of days) but was almost positive that it was strep throat. he started me on antibiotics and pain killers and sent me home.

the rest of the night was a nightmare... trying to find the least painful way to sleep and not swallow. the pain killers only seemed to be making me drowsy. the pain was still pretty intense.

FRI APR 25
after a restless night of waking up every 2 hours, making my way to the freezer to put more ice in my water, shuffle back to bed, take more 'non'-pain killers and try all over again to sleep... i was a wreck.

friday by far was the most miserable. i couldn't talk. i couldn't swallow. this wasn't working, something needed to change. i called my doctor who sounded a bit too concerned that it sounded like i was getting worse. he told me to double up on the pain killers and add some aspirin and then to add an extra anti-biotic to my diet. he also said that if i wasn't improving by the next morning to call him- because he wanted to see me again.

that evening was very drug-induced. i remember nothing about it.

SAT APR 26
i woke up this morning. weary from the inability to swallow... still. i felt like i had just been beaten up and left for dead. my head was pounding and now my tongue was swelling from the lack of moisture. i called my doctor's office only to hear the words "we are closed until monday... if this in an emergency, please call doc so and so at the following number" confused at why my doctor, just yesterday, told me to call this morning for him to see me- WHEN THE OFFICE IS CLOSED, i dialed the number left for emergency purposes.

frustration is not a strong enough word to use as i tried with all of my swollen might to tell the doctor on the other end of the phone my whole story only to have her hem and haw on the other end of the line and finish her mutterings with "well dear i don't know what to tell you to do."
WHAT? BUT YOU'RE THE DOCTOR!!! IF I CAN'T ASK YOU- who else am i supposed to ask?

i lost it. even though it hurt like hell, i cried and cried. so tired, in so much pain, so sick of not being able to swallow or eat real food... SO DONE!!!

lucky for me i have really good roommates who offered to take me to the walk-in clinic. my even typically really slow roommate actually was ready to go in 5 minutes... and we were out the door

and this is where the story just gets so... well you'll see.

as we made our way past harvard toward the lovely hospital and were just about to turn WHAMO! we were rear-ended from behind by a large work truck... see pictures of mindy's car below.

for those of you that know me, you won't be surprised at this story. like the immortal words of my home-teacher (who also just so happens to be mindy's boyfriend): "peggy this just fits into your life!" so right you are dane... so right you are!

so instead of the walk-in clinic we were now both directed to the ER.

my roommate rachel and i were laughing so hard as we were taking this picture... mindy later said i looked like i was from the movie star wars- yeah, i can see that!

turns out that not only did i come out positive for strep throat and now whip-lash, i also was severely dehydrated... cool... real cool.

several bags of iv fluid, an intravenous dose of antibiotics and a nice touch of morphine later and i am now home and i've lived, once again to tell the tale!

just chalk this one up to yet another amusing anecdote i have in my back pocket to tell at parties... seriously, when we all get to heaven... come over to my house- my earth video is going to ROCK!

2008-04-18T09:22:00.004-04:00

IT's FRIDAY AND FREAKING BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE !!!

this post is dedicated to my boss charles- without him there would be no laughter in children's theater!

2008-04-15T09:49:00.006-04:00

NO, NO A THOUSAND TIMES NO!

recently i have been introduced to a remarkable woman with an amazing story of how she took all her talents in the world and without any 'formal training' in what she now does, became a pretty respected individual in her field. hearing her story inspired me.

she also led me to her blog DARE TO DREAM a website designed to inspire women to reach a little farther and obtain the goals they were sent here to do! and every day i *run over there to see what new inspiration she's cooked up for the day.

her latest blog has especially taught me a lot about myself. it's a lesson i only recently discovered i needed to learn. how to say NO!

i know that sounds really dumb... of course that should be an easy thing to say... but it's not.

those of you that know me know that i am constantly"on the go." my roommates are surprised when they see me at home, eating dinner, resting??? is it really you?

granted i work a lot... but then there's that other part of me. the part of me that doesn't know how to say no. the one that seeks for validation by being "needed" by others. it's camouflaged in the well-meaning admonition to serve others. but me... yeah i take this whole "do everything" attitude to a whole new unhealthy level!

+ the missionaries just called and need me to do this or that- sure
+ a friend had a bad day and could really use a friend- okay after the missionaries- i'm all yours
+ hey don't forget to pick up that one book for our thing tomorrow because i can't do it myself- yeah no problem
+ ummm can you come in early to work today so we can get the one thing done- right-o! i will be there with bells on.
+ i was wondering...- absolutely! whatever you need me to do! i'm your gal!

by the end of each week i take a mental tally of all the things i actually accomplished for myself and it turns out-- am so the under-dog in my own life. and it's no one's fault but my own.

in whitney's blog she references a book "The Power of a Positive No" written by William Ury. i am taking this incredibly insightful excerpt directly from whitney's blog:

I learned...[the importance of saying no] early on in my career from the...extraordinarily successful investor Warren Buffett. Over breakfast one day, he confided in me that the secret to creating his fortune was his ability to say No. "I sit there and look at investment proposals all day. I say No, No, No No, No, No--until I see one that is exactly what I am looking for. And then I say Yes. All I have to do is say Yes a few times in my life and I've made my fortune." Every important Yes requires a thousand Nos.

so onward-ho. let's learn how to say 'no' together, shall we? saying yes, when it works for us- when it's healthy and balanced to do so. saying no when it's important to manage my own life. my own self.

is anyone as bad at this as i am???

2008-04-09T11:44:00.006-04:00

MY MAGIC FEATHER

i was talking to a friend last night and we were discussing the topic of confidence. she relayed a story to me that had more of an impact on me than she probably realized.

my friend attended a workshop or a show of some sort (okay so i don't remember the specifics) of a local story-teller. at one point the story teller said that he needed some audience participation and asked for someone that was really smart and said

"a 6 year old... i need a 6 year old... they are smarter than anyone else in the room."

an awkward silence followed.

"what you don't believe me that a 6 year-old is smarter than any adult in the room? well then with a show of hands... how many 6 year-olds out there think they can draw?"

all of the hands of the children shot in the air.

"okay, now for the adults... how many adults out there think they can draw?"

a few smattering of hands measly lifted into the air.

"ahhh... you see... i told you that 6 year-olds are smarter. they haven't let themselves be fooled into thinking that they can't do anything they want to."

and isn't it true? in my starving artist blog, a few posts back, i talked about confidence and how when i was younger the sky was the limit baby. i could do and be anything i wanted to.

so what's changed?

my ability to do those things never once changed but my perception of whether i could do them or not, did.

i've been thinking a lot about how to change that. i think i have come up with one really great solution as so how.

my good friends.

i have always been blessed to have good friends... through all walks of life. i am a lucky girl. so lately i have tried to listen to them instead of my fears when they tell me i can do something. it's in their words that i find the confidence to step out into the darkness and succeed.

i may not always believe them... but i have found it's easier to believe them than to listen to the stinking stupid dummy voices in my head! i'm like dumbo standing at the top of the circus tent with my little feather that my friends gave me... praying with all my might that they were right all along...

2008-04-03T11:25:00.008-04:00

UPDATE #1

so it's been 1 week since i last blogged about the attempt at losing 10 pounds. i know that doesn't sound like a lot of weight to be complaining about... it's just that i want to gain control of my bad eating patterns BEFORE it's more like 40 pounds... you know???

MY PLAN: eat better and exercise more... no diet... no EXTREME measure to lose the weight... no cut out all sugar-- i NEVER would have followed through with that!

just seeking balance and better choices.

THIS WEEK: i give myself an A+ i did really well in following the plan... not perfect mind you... but really well... and that makes me happy.

WHAT I DID GOOD:
+ mom you will be so happy to hear that i am on my 7th day of taking a multi-vitamin EVERY MORNING... you were right... i do feel better! (for those of you that know me... you will know how extremely hard this one is for me...i HATE taking pills!!!)

+ i have replaced my daily bottle of diet coke with a 1 pint bottle of water that i refill at least once a day... that's 15.4 ounces of water (at least)... every day! and i still have diet coke! remember i'm not taking things away from myself... no punishment necessary... but the more water i drink the less diet coke i drink! tah-da!

+ i have also had A TON more fruits and veggies this week... choosing fruit i purchased at the haymarket for breakfast and salads and soups for lunch, over other options.

[a quick note of interest: i read this article where i learned that you actually need a small amount of fat in your salad dressing because certain important nutrients in green lettuce are actually fat soluble... so in order to get them into your system... you need the fat to help it do that. however, this doesn't give me license to pour on the fatty dressing either... but light dressing tastes just as good and helps me out! read the article here]

+ the snack at my desk all week has been corn chips and sometimes salsa. this is a HUGE improvement from my bags of cadbury mini eggs or box of mike n ikes. i have also told myself that i get 1 snack at my desk a day... it's at 3pm. it gives me something to look forward to... especially when the afternoon bore sets in!

+ eating dessert has been more moderate as well. i choose 1 thing and try to make it only one thing. instead of having an entire box or bag of something at my disposal... i give my will-power a break and just buy one small pack of something or one candy bar or something like that. again... a major improvement!

ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT:
+ just like i knew it would be, exercise has been the hardest thing to incorporate into my schedule and into my brain. i did go on one really good walk/run last week and one very mild walk on sunday. i also did pilates this week... only once (although the plan is to do it tonight too). so i did do SOME and yes i am feeling good about that... i still feel like i could be more stick-to-it.

+ i did have one REALLY BAD CHOICE day where absolutely no exercise was done AND all i had to eat was pizza and cinnamon sticks from papa johns (my new sinful delight). granted... i did have a friend who had had a really bad day come over and so OF COURSE we had comfort food. and even though i didn't need the comfort... i still ate the comfort food like i did! so the improvement part is to stick to my plan even when i convince myself otherwise... even when others are eating differently. AND THAT's HARD TO DO!!!

TO DO LIST:
+ stick to my same good eating patterns

+pilates tonight and one other time this week... and walk/running twice as well.

2008-04-01T23:53:00.002-04:00

SOMEHOW...

i got this song in my head. so i checked out the music video. john parr is my new boyfriend!

a) john parr's hairstyle resembles pretty much every woman i went to church with growing up... most of them probably still have this hairstyle today.

b) about halfway through the video john parr is walking alone looking very sexy at the camera-- CREEPY!!! seriously gave me the creeps.

c) at the end-- YES WATCH TIL THE END-- the best part is just how awkward all of the actors from the movie look interacting with john parr... especially rob lowe... it kills me!

enjoy!

=

2008-03-29T17:27:00.004-04:00

EDIT AND DELETE~

sometimes, when i have nothing better to do (ha- when is that???) i read past entries... and i am so appalled by my editorial mistakes that i am inches away from spending the next year just sitting at my desk correcting them!

i can't believe how many times i find things like the word YOUR mistakenly used for YOU ARE... or a run-on sentence that rivals a jack gantos novel! it's sick i tell you!

although i never professed to be a writer-- story-teller maybe-- skilled writer, not even close! but that doesn't mean that i don't cringe every time i see a big mama of a mistake out there for all to see-- i still have a little pride that doesn't want people to think i am that in need of an english 101 class. meh- maybe i am and i'm just delusional!

well it's okay their seems to be the write way to do thing's and a wrong way- its all a matter of how won looks at it-- write???

i think i just need to hire a personal editor for future posts-- anyone game for the job?

2008-03-28T11:22:00.008-04:00

mmm... PANCAKES!

this morning on my way to work i craved pancakes something fierce! i even started salivating as i imagined myself showing up to work with an electric griddle, a spatula, a box of pancake mix and syrup. i am so doing that one day!

then, of course because this is how my brain works, i started filtering through the words that had come up-- thinking:

pancake mix-- yeah that one i bought the other day is really good. i should have pancakes for dinner tonight

syrup-- oh but don't forget to stop at the store and get more mrs. butterworth... oh and maybe some turkey sausage links too... YES!

griddle- oh it's too bad that i don't have a griddle. that reminds me of a story (doesn't everything remind me of a story??) yeah COPPERTON PARK!

do i have to coolest parents or what-- check this out:

every so often, usually on a really early saturday morning in the summer, my parents would pack us in the car with loads of food and drive 20 minutes up bingham canyon to copperton park (located on the west side of utah valley).

situated in the heart of the town was copperton park, with fantastic swings, huge tires to climb on and little fake pyramid types things that had little tunnels in them. we LOVED this park!

so we'd all pile out of the car with our bags of food, dump them on the chosen picnic table and race each other to the playground. and while we were off chasing each other down the slide or singing camp songs at the top of our lungs on the swings, my parents would cook up the BEST breakfast EVER!

cooked on the gas-lit griddle were pancakes, sausage, bacon and eggs. then we also had cut fruit and fresh orange juice. man- i pay good money to have a breakfast like that these days-- but this... this was just a typical saturday morning in our family!

i can still feel the cold morning air on my legs in shorts- i can still hear roger yelling at me to come check out something weird he found in one of the tunnels or my dad and that whistle of his to tell us that breakfast was ready. and nothing tastes quite as good when you are eating it on a splintery picnic table on paper goods surrounded by the best family ever!

ahh the memories. now i've made my cravings unbearable... dinner tonight is going to ROCK my world!

2008-03-26T15:51:00.002-04:00

THE TALE OF MY SCALE

i've gained weight.

no this isn't some lame girly attempt at being told "NO WAY- you're so skinny!"

it's just the reality of my world right now. i got on a scale a week ago- for the first time in probably 5 months and wa-ho there tiger... looks a tiny bit different than the last time i checked... and not in a good way! oops.

but rather than boo-hoo in the corner and wish things were different, i've decided to own up to my horrible eating habits, take responsibility for the fact that i haven't been exercising as much as i should... and use my blog as a way to have a little accountability!

so how to make the change???

STEP 1: own up to your crap!
i noticed that when i was working on peter pan that i had THE WORST eating habits known to man- mainly i developed the habit of eating at my desk-- all the time. i always had some form of food item open in front of me and with all the stress i was under i was shoving it in as fast as i could... NOT OKAY.

i also noticed that i wasn't leaving my desk for literally hours at a time. i would begin a project and continue working on it until it was done... by that time, my joints were stiff and my bladder was full to capacity. also, NOT OKAY.

and to top it off- i was working so many hours i had ZERO energy or brain matter left for the thought of exercise. you can call it an excuse if you want- but honestly i just dropped dead every night after work. again, NOT OKAY.

so all these behaviors + 4 months of doing it = weight gain. obviously.

however, knowing this is really half of my battle... cause now i can see how to correct it.

STEP 2- change
a) eat only at meal times and allow myself 1 afternoon snack a day
b) get up and move around while at work. eat lunch in green room. get outside at least one time a day
c) cardio 2 times a week- toning 2 times

i've heard people talk about lacking will-power... i guess that could be true... but for me it's more about what motivates me rather than will-power. and the fact that my jeans aren't fitting they way they used to, coupled with summer is on it's way... means i am highly motivated to make these changes... like... ummm... now!

STEP 3: follow-through
this is the hardest part for me. sure i am motivated today... i probably will be motivated through the next two weeks. but then what? will i still be plugging along, doing pilate's and not eating all the time? i don't know. exercise is probably the hardest part for me... not that i don't love to exercise- it's making the time to do it! okay and sometimes- truthfully- i'm just not in the mood and would rather watch a movie snuggled up in my bed.

so the biggest part of my goal is to keep in the game... even weeks from now. so let's check in with each other from time to time, okay?

my goal is to lose the 10 superfluous pounds that i gained this past winter by the time i go to visit my parents in may... i can totally do that!!!

8 1/2 weeks and counting!

2008-03-24T14:36:00.002-04:00

I JUST CAN'T COMMIT!

what message am i sending when i continue to change my mind on what my blog looks like?

the problem is that i get tired of the same old colors. sometimes i'm not even sure i was into the template when i picked it. then i look at other templates and think i like them better. then when i have made the switch... boom... i'm tired of the change already.

this creates a lot of problems in my world.
it creates extra work- now i have to re-add all of my links and such.

ummm... please don't be surprised if you see more changes on here... this is hard for me.

2008-03-20T16:08:00.002-04:00

KIDS SAY THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE THINGS:

i'm so sorry for the subject matter of this blog-- but the story is just too too good to not blog about it!

for those that don't know, i teach children's theater at a family theater here in beantown. i love what i do... sometimes (said with a smile of course). for those that also don't know, i LOVE being around boys... there is just a different energy about the way they play and talk and interact... when i have kids, i want a whole slew of boys {ostentatious put me down! for you mary}

anyway, this particular week of school vacation week camp has been so much fun. we have 13 kids in the class and 6 of them are boys who have grown up together and gone to the same school together since pre-k. they also happen to be good friends with russell- the love of my life... so most of them i have met before when they have come over to have play-dates with russ.

i find that most of these boys and i get along really well and what makes it even more comical is that even though they are of the male gender, they are just as cuddly and in need of physical attention as they girls... and it's so funny. at any given point in my day, if i am sitting on the floor, i have about 3 boys climbing on me, sitting on my lap or spontaneously hitting me... what can i say- they love me!

now i don't mean to have favorites, but i must admit that there seems to be certain kids that just make me smile more... you just can't help it! mr zach just happens to be one of the favored. part of what i love about zach is his adorable lateral lisp [you know how you say rice is nice and the "ce" sounds more like they are trying to spit out of the side of their mouth]... mixed with his mischievous little smile- the kids has me wrapped around his finger.

yesterday, we were working on designing a back drop. i had the kids sitting with me in a circle and each was drawing a picture of what they thought our backdrops should look like. as always, some kids finished more quickly than others... zach chose to use his free time wisely by crawling all over me like a jungle gym. at one point he came up behind me and put his arms around my neck and put his face next to mine. instinctively i bent down so he felt like he was going to fall over. he giggled and as i was letting his feet come back to the ground he said

[don't forget to picture this with his lateral lisp]

"peggy i can see your boobs"

"uh oh" i said causally while i quickly glanced to see if my cleavage wasn't going out of control... it wasn't... he just happened to have a good angle.

"peggy you have really big boobs"

laughing to myself: "oh okay zach, that's enough" trying to maintain the causal i'm not shocked sound in my voice.

"no peggy- they are like the biggest boobs in the whole world!"

now struggling to not laugh out loud: "ZACH... you can't say things like that- it's not nice to say things like that."

"okay."

later he tried to grab at my chest... ZACH!!! wich i had to very nonchalantly tell him that that was my body and he needed to be respectful of it. then he stopped.

it starts early doesn't it??? sheesh.

so later, as i was telling this story to a friend of mine here at the theater, she mentioned that she figured i could include that as a selling point for my future classes... something like this

PEGGY: teacher extrodinare
you'll laugh, you'll create, you'll learn to become other creatures

"she's the funnest teacher i ever had!"
- sally sweety

"she's got the biggest boobs in all the world"
- zach bladiblohbloh

what do you think?

2008-03-15T22:51:00.002-04:00

BUSY-NESS + LAZY-NESS BEGETS A MESSY ROOM

i just walked through the door from a very long very eventful day, open my bedroom door and WHAMO- the mess of my room blinds me with brute force. clothes strewn about from the last week's race to get dressed and out the door, papers that i rifled through and didn't put back are still on my bed, two mostly empty cans of diet coke are on my night stand... and on and on goes the list... right now i'm a messy slobby mess.

yet here i sit, blogging instead of cleaning. and i have no intention of doing anything differently. what is that? why am i so lazy? i'm absolutely embarrassed when people see my room in this condition- but apparently not enough to do anything about it... sad. and the fact that i cleaned my room on monday makes the fact that it looks hideous in here just a few short days later- a little more pathetic.

but i promise you, i've been non-stop on the go for this entire week- spending an average of 9.72 hours at home (with the majority of hours being in sleep mode). by the time i get home the thought of cleaning my room is as appealing as kissing john mccain on the mouth. {where did i get that analogy???- oh well- i'm keeping it in} i get home and i just want to crawl into bed and not think about doing any more things. i want to veg-out... to sit and be... anything but DOING... no doing... just existing... is that so wrong?

who am i trying to convince anyway? you or me? your right... you don't care if i have a messy room and the majority of you wouldn't even ever see my room... so you didn't ask about its current state of cleanliness.

okay gotta go find a few other ways of being lazy before not cleaning my room.

2008-03-12T14:24:00.004-04:00

THE BIRDS

i saw alfred hitchcock's movie the birds when i was in high school and i scoffed- it was really dumb- birds....ooooooo scaaarrrryyyyy. as if!

never in my life would i have thought that scoffing at such a thing would come to bite me in the butt. but it did.

saturday morning, i was coming home on the train from teaching my "tiny dancers" class. i got off at the government center stop and promptly walked to the dunkin donuts kiosk that's located in the center of the train station. grabbed myself a hot cocoa and a donut and happily made my way outside.

as i made my way down the many steps from government center toward the haymarket i enjoyed the somewhat warm air and my luscious boston creme donut. i turned to see that there were a few seagulls that spied my food and came to beg for a bite- i did not oblige and continued on my journey.

the gathering of birds seemed to increase with each step i took and i have to admit it did start to make me a little nervous. at one point i abruptly ran at a group of them, in hopes that they would get more nervous than myself and run away... nope.

it wasn't until i heard the swooshing of wings near my head that i got panicky... and whereas i should have just ignored them and continued on my way, i hated the idea of getting pooped on. after a long moment of fighting the urge to look, i finally looked around and was terrified to see that more than 30 birds surrounded me... some waddling along side me, some hovering over my head. my step quickened... as did my heart rate... and the pace at which i ate my donut. this was not okay.

just then, i felt the light brush of air close to my face, peered to the right to see a seagull no more than an inch from my face... I FREAKED!

at just this moment i let out a scream of fear, turned and chucked the remainder of my donut as far behind me as i possibly could and quickened my step. i looked up, and the 3 people that were walking ahead of me had turned around to see what i was freaking out about...

the only thing i could do was smile nervously and say "birds" as i pointed my thumb behind me... put my head down and continued walking... then reminiscing... then laughing...

OH MY GOSH- i was just bullied out of a donut by mean and horrible boston city birds. i can't believe that just happened... and i am totally miffed that i don't have my donut anymore... and i just totally embarrassed myself in front of total strangers acting like tippi hedren in the birds.

for the record, it really is as scary as it looks in the movie.

STUPID SEAGULLS... I WANT MY DONUT BACK!

2008-03-06T13:13:00.003-05:00

OH MY GOSH

i don't watch american idol. but when i heard about this 17 year old kid from utah that was making a splash, i thought i would look him up.

all i can say, is that i am jealous of this kids voice... AMAZING. if you haven't already, take a look:

2008-03-05T11:55:00.003-05:00

TO MOM.... (you put a lot of thought into that one)

most of you won't get my title... but my mom will. i know it's not even close to mother's day- but i don't need no stinkin' day to celebrate my mom. besides, she's been on my mind lately.

{crap i'm already starting to cry}

if you try to sum up my mom in a few words, it would almost be too hard. but i'm going to try anyway.

she's very sweet- yet sometimes deviant (in a good way)
she's a fantastic listener- yet sometimes has the most profound advice
she is super creative- yet a total perfectionist
she's had tremendous trials in her life- yet laughs through it all
she likes to work with her hands and get dirty- yet totally girly
she loves looking for deals- yet makes anything she buys look amazing
she has an amazing testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ- yet shares it in a very quiet and powerful way.

yeah- and so much more- but i want to move on.

my mom fostered our imagination in so many ways- mostly just by the way she lived her life. she was always thinking creatively- always finding the next great story or adventure.

because we had 5 kids, 1 really heavy wheelchair and 1 not so strong mom... we were often stuck with a station wagon as our means of transportation. even as a kid i thought station wagons were ugly... they just are. and did we ever have two very ugly station wagons... one was wood panelled and the other was maroon.

i have this amazing memory of being in the maroon car with my mom on a hot summer's day. we were driving home from a doctor's appointment she was saving on gas and didn't run the air conditioner... so she rolled down all the windows-- including the back one and as the wind whipped through our hair and we couldn't hear the music from the radio, she threw her hand out the window and exclaimed that we were in her shiny red convertible miata (her dream car). just the way she said it, i believed it. it didn't matter that the paint was fading or that the carpet had dirt embedded in it from the many dirty shoes climbing in and out- for that moment, i too believed that we were in my mom's dream car and that we were two of the prettiest and coolest chicks driving down the street. these days- now that i don't drive my car, i often think back to that moment and what a fun memory that it was. i would give anything to be in that station wagon with my mom again.

++

as an adult, i can appreciate the need for quiet time. when you are around kids, times for thinking and quiet are few and far between. my mom, however, found her quiet time in the funniest way.

i am sure you are all familiar with a little outdoor tool known as the WEED-WACKER. well my mother was our very own human weed-wacker. if ever we needed to find my mom and she wasn't in the kitchen, her room and the car was still in the garage, the next most obvious place was to check the perimeter of the yard. inevitably, we would find her, kneeling over the edge of the lawn with her trusty pair of orange kitchen scissors, trimming away at the unkempt grass.

it was there that she had a chance to soak up the sun, keep the yard that she and my dad spent hours on looking nice and tidy-- but most of all, time to herself and to her thoughts. i'm sure she put up with a little friendly ridicule from the neighbors, advising her to make my dad buy her a weedwacker... but we had one... she just didn't want to use it.

i remember there were a few times that i would find my own pair of scissors and join her. those moments were precious to me as i remember having that one on one time with my mom. it was time to talk about the boys i liked or the troubles at school. by the end of it, my hand was cramped and my shorts were stained green the in bum... but i had had good quality time with this amazing lady. looking back i wish i had joined her more often.

this post is already long. i could go on about her. there are plenty of great memories and stories to share. maybe on mother's day.

but really i wish you could all know my great mom. for those who have had a chance to meet her- you already know what i am talking about. she's just so stinkin' cute.

mommy- i miss you. and i love you. and i am grateful that you passed on some of your amazingness to me...

and i know you are crying right now- and i am laughing just picturing it.

2008-02-29T08:31:00.002-05:00

I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD IT IN ME!

when i was in high school- my junior year- i auditioned for A MIDSUMMER NIGHT's dream. we were all given the choice as to which characters we wanted to read for. naturally i chose the two leading ladies. i read my heart out for them. nothing leading up to this moment of my life prepared me for what i saw when the cast list had been posted outside the drama dept door. PUCK. i was cast as PUCK. huh?

a) i had always thought that it was played by a man
b) a sprite? a fairy? me?
c) i didn't even read for that part
d) that's more than i am capable of

that afternoon i chased after mr. j- the theater teacher- and said:
"puck? for real???"
he stopped dead in his tracks, turned to face me, looking me straight in the eyes and said
"i wouldn't have cast you, if i didn't think you could do it."

turns out i could do it. and i did do it. i even received special recognition for my performance at the competition that year.

now here i am almost a decade from that moment in the hallway of my high school. so many decisions are being made right now and i feel like i am being asked to do things i definitely do NOT feel adequate to do. yet at the same time, i feel like my Heavenly Father is up there looking me straight in the eyes saying: "i wouldn't have asked you, if i didn't think you could do it."

and i can't tell if i struggle more with my faith that He's right or faith in my own ability.

there's a story that most people are familiar with... moses. ever heard of him? i thought so. anyway, i came upon this epiphany while reading in the pearl of great price in the book of moses.

in chapter one it starts out by talking about how the Lord comes down and sanctifies him and he is taught much. then he leaves. enter satan. tempting him, trying him and when that doesn't work-- screaming in his face. moses finally cries out to God asking for help... he comes back and satan is cast out. then the Lord takes this opportunity to teach him a little bit more... listen to what he says in chapter 1, vs. 25:

"blessed art thou, moses, for i, the Almighty have chosen thee, and thou shalt be made stronger than the many waters for they shall obey thy command as if thou wert God."

wow- did you notice something so profound there? what single act is moses most well-known for? parting the red sea. and here is God, years before he EVER has to do it, telling him that he will have the power to move water. maybe that's why it was so easy for him to know, as he was standing on the shore, how he was going to save the children of israel. and that he would have the power to actually make it happen.

and i know i have been promised similar blessings. i will never be asked to move water... but the path i know i am supposed to be on is just as scary as a large deep sea and looking up at my Father asking "me? you really want me to do that?"

and mr j's voice comes into my head from those many years ago...

"i wouldn't have asked if i didn't think you could do it."

2008-02-27T23:53:00.004-05:00

SICK DAYS

it started out like any other head-cold last week... sinus-pressure, headache, aloofness. i was just like the actors on those cold medicine commercials- except for that squinty-eye-while-they -massage-their-temples thing that they do was for real and not fake or extremely exaggerated.

but i persevered. that's what you have to do when you are teaching 22, 5-7 year-olds how to become an alien, running to and from the 1 pm matinee and then staying at work til 7pm to make sure that the hoards of patrons coming to the next days' performance don't yell at you because their name was mis-spelled on the ticket.

the worst of it hit tuesday morning of this week. i knew it was bad when my boss put me in a cab and sent me home and cleaned my entire work space with bleach.

i got home at 2 pm... crawled into bed by 2:30... and i have been here ever since.

i have watched 6.3 movies in the last day and a half (i fell asleep through most of 13 going on 30).

i didn't have the energy to open the jar of pasta sauce for my dinner last night. the only person around to help me was my sweet but feeble roommate who also couldn't open it. i tried to scream i was so frustrated. but you can't scream when you've lost your voice... it's physically impossible... believe me...i tried.

i talked with a friend on the phone who after hearing me try to speak said "dude you sound like poo." i laughed and said "yeah i probably look like poo too" they agreed with me. then i hung up on them. okay no i didn't really- but that would have been really funny.

instead of a handsome, strong and truly supportive man laying next to me in my bed, it's a box of kleenex, 40 used tissues and an empty bag of doritos. no crumbs... i ate those... i was too tired to get up and make something else to eat. mmmmm.... crumbs.

everyone i know is sick right now- with the exact same crap. even the woman at HR where i work had a tale of her trip to the ER because she was that sick. what's the deal- i know they taught us in kindergarten to share- but this seems a little excessive, right?

dayquil really has my seal of approval. i woke up this morning with the most horrendous pain in my lungs. to cough was to send glass shards through my chest. i loaded up on dayquil and the world seemed to calm down all around me. yummy dayquil-ness. in gel-cap form though... no way you're getting me to drink that liquid crap.

i have left my room only 13 times in past 48 hours. the majority of those times were to pay homage to the toilet god. we're BFF now.

tomorrow i go into work at 1pm-- this will ensure that even if i do wake-up at 3 am with huge stomach pains and trips to my new BFF every 10 minutes AGAIN then i will get to sleep in and still have my energy for another great day as the box office guru. lucky me!

2008-02-25T22:54:00.002-05:00

worst words to hear first thing in the morning:

"hi it's mom... dad's in the emergency room- we think he's had a heart attack... but everything's okay."

yes dad is okay.
yes my mother should have reversed the order of information:
"hi it's mom... EVERYTHING IS OKAY... but dad blah blah blah.
yes it's moments like these that make me love my family so much more.
yes i wish i had the time and the money to go and see them.

2008-02-14T23:47:00.005-05:00

CHANGE IT UP!

dearest family and friends,

the time has finally come to change the way my blog looks. so i took matters into my own hands and as you can all see, change indeed has been made here.

however, i regret to inform you that with this change has come the unfortunate experience of not knowing how to retain all of the previous information (ie links to all ya'lls blogs) noted on my lovely blog. i did my best to recover what i could, but i fear that there are some very important links that may have been missed that my poor brain cannot at this point retrieve.

please please please-- let me know if you were once linked and are no longer linked. i would feel worse than i do that i can't remember you.

oh dear- my brain is officially fried- and i blame peter pan.

Love,
Peggy

PS- stefanie and cass-- what are your blog addresses again???
PPS- oh and i forgot

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

2008-02-11T18:00:00.003-05:00

FROM THE 2nd FLOOR

i live in a house-- two apartments-- we are on the 1st floor

up until last thursday we lived under harley tattoo neighbor man (term coined by miss mary)
many of you have heard the stories of said neighbor (who's bedroom just so happens to be directly underneath mine) and his many "woman stories" that still haunt me to this day! oy!

now "htnb" has moved himself to warmer climates- florida- and we have three new upstairs neighbors.
unmarried.
heavy boston accents.
contractors.
nice as can be and willing to fix up our falling down place.
friends of previous tenant.

monday being my day off, i was lounging in bed. 9 am rolls around and all of a sudden there's a knock at the door. it's one of my new neighbors. he introduces himself and we begin talking about the fixer-uppers they are doing to their apartment and then offers his services if ours ever needs anything... BOY DOES IT EVER!

i have never been in the upstairs apartment before and intrigued, i asked to see it. once up there i am introduced to neighbor man #1's boss. they take me on the tour and show me around, smallish chit chat "what do you do for a living, where are you from" then--

neighbor man #1: so you guys are nuns, right?

me: LOLOLOL--ummm... nope

neighbor man #1: oh really? yeah dey tol me when i moved in dat i had to be really nice to deh ladies dat lived downstehs, cause dey were nuns, and i was like- yeah dat's cool

me: LOLOLOL... well i would imagine if they thought that it was because we sort of live like nuns-- in a way... you know... no sex, alcohol or drugs.

neighbor man #1: oh yeah, well dats cool. so yor all like church goin girls.

me: yes... indeed we are!

who knows- maybe it would have been best to let him keep thinking we were nuns-- he being catholic (as he told me)-- and just for fun twist the guilt knife in his back about having his girlfriend over or the beer in his hand.

2008-02-04T15:12:00.001-05:00

THE NEXT GENERATION

i was excited this morning to learn that today was the day they would announce the new president of our church. we all, of course, new who it was going to be, but for some reason i had forgotten that they were also to announce a new counselor in the first presidency as well.

my roommate and i had been out doing laundry and made it home just in time to watch the announcement via the computer. the sister missionaries, who live just down the street, had come over to watch it with us and so in awe we stood in my ugly purple kitchen where we stationed the computer, and watched and listened to this broadcast.

the spirit filled our kitchen and my heart as i watched the three men that would lead the next generation of church members into this final dispensation. i listened as with a calm confidence, President Monson answered some of the more "hot-button" topics the church faces daily.

i began to realize the kinds of power each man possesses:

President Monson with his ability to teach by way of the parable, the way the savior taught. having worked hard all of his years with such compassion and grace. he has learned at the feet of his dear long-time friend the late President Hinckley and coupled with his own experiences of service in our church, has evolved into an amazing leader.

President Eyring who is never afraid to show that the spirit touches his sweet soul in such a way that tears flow freely. he urges the sinner to come back, he prays for those who struggle and he pleads for all of us to do better. his tenderness is his tool.

President Uchtdorf who carries a huge presence with him. he speaks with authority, the kind that makes you sit up a little taller in your seat and take note. he is a powerful man, one with the kind of leadership that is needed to possibly be used to confront the tougher subjects and those that would oppose us as a church.

i am excited to see the ways in which the church will grow and evolve with the new leadership. President Hinckley will be missed greatly and i know i will personally feel the void of his spirit in the next conference and those to come. he truly made a marvelous impact on how i live my life and how i see myself as a woman of God and as a woman of this church.

2008-02-01T09:43:00.000-05:00

REALIZATION

the winds of change are blowing rather hard these days-- the storm is just beginning to brew and i forgot my umbrella.