ONCE UPON A TIME...


... i had a job and made money... real life money that i could spend on anything i wanted... and my bank account had more than $17 in it... much much more


... i lived in boston... in an ugly house/apartment... with roommates and utility bills and crazy upstairs neighbors


... i walked and danced and skipped and frolicked... without pain


... had a dream of moving to LA... okay i still have a dream of moving to LA... it's just taking so dang long to get here


... i could eat indian food anytime i wanted... i just called and they delivered... mmm samosas and tikka misala


... i didn't feel the need to complain as much as i am now. life is slow. there's only so many movies you can watch, so many books you can read, so many scarves you can crochet before life starts looking as bland as a bowl of cream of wheat.


i'm gonna go be grumpy somewhere else now.

WELCOME CHRISTMAS SEASON 2008!

hey... it's me


2 weeks and 2 days post-op. pain is manageable and healing is tedious and slow. the hospital was a blur. let me just say- nothing is more humbling than to realize that you can't do ANYTHING for yourself-- walking, eating, going to the bathroom... nothing without the help of someone else... humbling... i was lucky to have amazing nurses and a mom that were so patient with me for all of that.

let me also just say that nothing compares to the moment when you watch your sister with her brand new kidney walk around the hospital room cleaning and organizing-- all full of energy and feeling good! i am so proud of my "little kidney that could" he cleaned out 9 liters of toxic fluid from her body within the 1st 24 hours-- you go my little friend!

i'm also blessed to have the amazing family and friends i do who sent cards, flowers and treats-- who came to visit- who called and emailed and face-booked and texted- who check in daily to make sure i'm okay. i guess i didn't realize what a life-line it would be... there are a lot of lonely moments on the road to recovery- and these small gestures have meant the world to me

life has slowed so much for me i hardly recognize myself. there's a lot of sleeping, walking like a grandma (easy does it), even when i change positions on the couch it's slow and when i'm hepped up on pain pills- i talk slow too.

nothing sucks more than to realize you can't laugh! i know that sounds ridiculous- but i have never felt such pain in my life as the time that i got the giggles and couldn't stop-- i was laughing and crying at the same time-- i haven't experienced the kind of pain that makes one consider suicide, until that moment. oh and it doesn't help when you have a mother who is laughing and crying right along with you-- it's a true story- she got the giggles with me and then when i started howling in pain and crying she started to cry too. the nurses must have thought we had gone psycho when they came it to see what all the fuss was about! ever since then i have had to be extremely careful about things i find funny-- i HATE that!

i'm going to sound like an addict when i say this- but i really like oxycodone. nuff said!

last but not least- i have much to be grateful for this year. i have a healthy body and was able to help my sister to be as healthy as she can be. i have an amazing family who have been so supportive of me my whole life and most especially through this whole process. i have amazing friends who have done their best to show their love for me in the many big and small ways. i have a father in heaven that has guided my life and led me to amazing blessings-- even the ones i can't see yet. i'm such a lucky girl.

happy thanksgiving 2008!

CONFESSIONS OF A KIDNEY DONOR



this tuesday, november 11th, i will go into the hospital and give a body part to my little sister. only someone who has ever been in this position before can possibly know what kind of emotional roller-coaster it is. and let me tell you-- it's been quite a ride so far!

so i am using this post for two things: a) i want to promote awareness of live organ donation and b) i want to use this forum as a way to journal my thoughts and feelings about this experience-- these feelings that will pass with time, like they always do.

i think it's safe to say that right now, it being two days away, i'm more nervous than i have ever been in my entire life. i'm scared of the unknown-- unknown pain, unknown time-frame of recovery... all of it... frightening. then there's the small chance that something could go wrong... please bless that nothing goes wrong!!! let me tell you, signing a waiver that states that if something goes wrong in the surgery and i end up mentally retarded, my parents have the right to put me in a facility without my consent... ummm.... yeah... weird!! and to top it all off- the fear that this whole process is going to be a very lonely one. lying there, waiting for my body to heal, while the world gets on with itself. people happily bustling about while i'm stuck in my room watching forrest gump for the 18ooth time. i know i'm probably being dramatic and that my natural tendency is to picture the worst... but well... i didn't say i was perfect.


honestly though, the only thing that helps is the thought that i am saving someones quality of life. what an amazing gift to be able to give. and i'm so overwhelmingly excited because my little sister's kidney and mine were like twins in the pre-existence and match each other 100%-- how cool is that? this means that my kidney will LOVE living in her body and probably kick it there without any fuss for probably 50+ years. this also means that in the next few years, she will be able to do something she's wanted to do for so long... adopt a baby and be a mommy. it means that her body will let her keep up with the exhausting task of motherhood that right now, she would not be able to do. and this makes me feel so proud of my little kidney that is leaving my body in 48 hours. as a team, we will get to make her dreams come true-- i couldn't be more happy.

ever since i've been mature enough to understand why, i have put that i would like to be an organ donor on my driver's license. i look at my sister who is rather lucky to have a large family to ask for an organ, and wonder what would her life be like if none of us matched or said 'no.' she would sit on a list for a long time, waiting. dialysis is no picnic in the park... the ultimate killer of a fun, carefree life. she would be held prisoner to this machine that kept her alive... and if the organ never came, eventually her veins would give out, no longer allowing her to accept the help and her life would end. as dramatic as this scenario is, this is the story of so many people who wait day after day for the phone call telling them that they have a fighting chance of survival because someone out there cared enough to be a donor.

if you just don't feel like you know enough about it to say yes... go to this website and get educated:

http://www.donatelife.net/

but i promise you that there is no greater gift you could give a single person in this lifetime, then the gift of life.

well, i'm off. who knows when i will get the chance to write. i promise i will keep you posted on how it all goes! wish us luck!

SURROUNDING MYSELF WITH GREATNESS:

part 2

as you know, i LOVE it when i can brag about amazing friends that do amazing things! i also love helping them generate business or interest in what they are doing. take a look at the latest edition of my shameless plugs for the good people in my life, the ones that make it interesting!

d a r y l s m i t h
magazine creator and designer



you guys HAVE to subscribe to this magazine. get this, the intent behind this magazine is to highlight the small moments in our every day lives that taught us to learn and grow and to do good things. it's completely advertiser free and is filled with heart-warming stories of how people learned from their parents by the small acts of love, kindness and service.

daryl is one of my dearest friends from boston and he has put his heart and soul into this magazine. follow the link to sign up for your subscription or to sign someone else up as a cool christmas gift!

http://seeingtheeveryday.com/

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t r e v o r p a r k e r
television producer and show creator

trevor is a new friend of mine. i met him when i first moved back to utah. trevor co-created a show with some friends that airs on the poit 5's (if you know what that means)... it's called MOMUMO and showcases and critiques local bands, artists, actors etc.

so go to his website and show him some love. even if you don't live here or have digital television, you can still download his podcast!

http://www.momumo.com/HOME.html



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b r a d o v a r d
photographer extraordinaire!




okay so it's not just that he's married to my sister-- it's that he's quite amazing. brad has been photographing wedding memories for several years now and has really learned the art of capturing the most amazing moments on that special day!

so if you are in need of some great pictures on your big day, go to his site and check him out!

http://bradovardphotography.com/Site/Brad_Ovard_Photography.html

IN LOVING MEMORY...

Andrea Healy
6.11.1970 - 10.19.2008

two days ago my dear friend and co-teacher, ANDREA HEALY passed away. words cannot express the amount of sadness in my heart as the many wonderful memories with her fill my mind. andrea had to be one of the sweetest people i have ever had the pleasure of knowing. she was always thinking of others, always racing to someone else's aid, always making sure others were taken care of. she never did things out of obligation... it was just part of who she was.

she also had great compassion and love for children. andrea and i taught side by side for 4 years and i had the pleasure of learning from her and watching her interact with the children in our classes. i saw how much they loved her and how much she loved being with them. she had a way with them that no one else could duplicate.

i will miss you so much andrea. i will miss our teacher's lunches and our fun dinners together. i will miss hearing your cute laugh at my stupid jokes. i will miss teasing you on IM about the guys are you dating. i will miss sitting in a circle full of children with you... children's theater will not be the same without you.

i love you my friend.

ROLLING MY EYES AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!


the following words are used to describe my mood over the past few days:
frustrated, anxious, insecure

waiting for ones future to be decided sucks rocks.

for those that haven't heard, i am about 99% done with the required testing that it takes to donate an organ. back in june my little sister announced that she would need a new kidney. she's had kidney failure all her life and this needed kidney will actually be her 2nd donation. knowing that i was one of the next in line from my family to be considered, i went to the doctor's and had my blood tested for tissue and blood match.

the results: 100% match.

this exciting news has changed my life forever. back when she had her last transplant and the doctors told us they weren't sure how long the kidney would last, i made up my mind then and there that i would donate the next time she needed one. it's a decision i haven't looked back on since.

the remainder of the tests have been to make sure my body was healthy enough to donate the kidney. so far, so good. in fact i should get the results of this most recent round of testing (a 6 hour day of getting poked and prodded) within the next few days. if it's good, then i meet with the surgeon and we choose a donation date. the earliest date possible being the middle of november.

in the meantime, i haven't been able to do much by way of getting a job and although i have submitted my resume to several temp agencies, most places want me to be available longer than a month.

so really and truly it's been a very long month of waiting. waiting for results, waiting for calls, waiting for certain days to get here... waiting... waiting... waiting!!!

i'm tired of waiting. i'm sick of my days being filled with errands that come and go quickly. i hate watching my bank account shrivel up because the withdraws outweigh the deposits 100 to 1.

i'm so frustrated.

and then the sick reality of the fact that if we do go forward with the donation, it's 8 more weeks of not doing anything and waiting to get better.

i think i will run away to china. or something.

oh don't listen to me... i'll get over it and feel better in a few days.