Dear 2009,
okay, okay... i know i am a little late in sending this letter to you, but honest to goodness, i have been so very busy... and that is no excuse, because you were so very good to me.
2009, you were my year of adventure. i remember deciding that that was what you were going to be when we first joined up and i remember all the excitement at the possibilities that were ahead.
do you remember how excited i was to go back to boston to teach in february, march and april? i'll never forget the sadness i felt that first visit back in february; i cried as i took that first T ride through the city. it was so hard, i wanted nothing more than to move back immediately- but i knew the decision i made was the right one. then as time wore on and my subsequent visits to my old home provided the closure i needed, i finally found that i was at peace when i said goodbye.
but it didn't take me long to find my next adventure did it? back in 2008 i had already decided to take myself to europe- sometimes fear has a funny way of holding us back from the things we want the most- but despite all the fear, i prepared for it every day. fear didn't even get me to take a second look at my choice. TAKE THAT!
and how happy i am that i didn't because-- holy cow 2009 what a FUN summer! what an amazing life-changing experience! to see the world in a new way. to see things i had never seen. traveling alone proved to NOT be the funnest way to experience europe- but i walked away from that feeling more empowered that i was able to travel and sight-see all by myself! Ireland and France and ITALY!
i am tearing up just thinking about this small little country that has forever been imprinted on my heart (cheesy i know, but true). i can't tell you how grateful i am for those experiences. the children i taught, the families i stayed with, the tutors that became friends for life, the ancient cities i played in, the FOOD i ate... oh the food!!!, turning 30 in italy!! the best way to ring in my new decade of life. all of it culminating into an experience i will never forget or regret. and don't get me wrong there were definite moments of trial and frustration- and quite honestly i never would have gotten through those if it hadn't been for james.
2009, one could argue that bringing james into my life was not a good thing, but i will never feel that way. even though he and i would end our relationship even before you and i were done, i don't think i will ever regret letting him in my life. he was my life support while i was in italy and this guy, albeit riddled with baggage, showed me what i should expect from any man i date- boy did he take care of me in a way i had NEVER been taken care of before by a man. it was a valuable lesson that i know i will take with me going forward. ending things with him was so very hard. i knew it needed to be that way. i knew it was right. i knew that i needed to pick myself up quickly and move forward. but MAN was it painful.
once i got back from italy, i found myself in a constant state of frustration. do you remember my complaints as i looked and looked for a job? i tried so hard not to be ungrateful at the things provided for me- a loving family that took care of me-- a home and food and everything i needed. how lucky is that?! and i couldn't be more blessed at the job that i did get. i now find myself in this strange new world full of challenges and perks and fun people. i am happy and will continue to work hard to deserve to be here. and my silent prayer of gratitude will always be to recognize that so many other people and families have had to bear the weight of unemployment in a way i didn't have to.
2009, i think the hardest part with you came toward the end, wouldn't you agree? with my relationships with james having come to a close and the jarring realization that i was no longer getting married, i found myself rather scared at the thought of being alone. i became aware of the constant pang in my chest at the things longed for and not seen. the desire to be a wife and a mother unmet. being 30 and realizing that i have been grateful for my 20's- i have done so many things- but also realizing that my one goal that has been the most important goal to me my whole life- still goes unconquered.
as the holidays approached, i looked for many ways to busy myself... to distract myself from that hollow feeling. how fun that the CHRISTMAS CRAPTACULAR happened again with you 2009... i needed that. i also reunited with a bishop and his wife who changed my life back in 2003- a christmas present indeed. i was so excited to show them my new stripes! i also tried with all of my might to pretend that being alone during the holidays was going to be okay- i dated several really nice guys and made a few long lasting friends. i even felt my heart healing from the break-up as i connected with other really great guys that brought new things into my life.
2009, you were a really good year. i will always look back at you with a smile on my face. you were a really good friend that helped me heal and grow and change- and most especially rewarded me for the rough 2008 i endured. thank you for that.
2010 will be my year of getting all my ducks in a row.... you know as well as i do, that when you spend an entire year of playing, some really important things can fall into cracks when they shouldn't... so my goal is to get myself right-side-up and learn how to move in my new 30 year old skin!
wish me luck, i will certainly miss all that you brought to my life 2009.
your forever friend
peggy
15 years ago
