GETTING BACK UP


when one experiences hard things, the kind of hard that seems to beat you to a pulp and knock you onto your back, the only thing you can do for a while is lay there.

you feel weak.
you feel despondent.
you feel like the pain will never go away.

and you know what? it's okay to lay there for a while.

and while you're lying there all sorts of things cross your mind.

maybe i will just stay down here- it would be so much easier
maybe i will find something easy to run to and maybe just maybe the pain will go away
maybe i will close my eyes and all of this will have just been a horrible nightmare

and after you've thought all these thinks, the thinks decide they need to come out and you begin

you talk to people... friends, family, therapist, bishop, co-workers
you talk to the wall
you talk when you're in your car all by yourself
you say horrible things, sad things, hurtful things, angry things
you say things about the past, the present... the future that seems so empty

then one day, as you're lying there, flat on your back, feeling the hot tears trickle down your face for the 100th time, you finally look up at the ceiling and you cry out to the God you believe in and you say the last words you can possibly think of to say.

Please Help Me

they seem to fall out of your mouth in a whisper. light on your lips-- because you are too weak to say it any louder or with any more conviction.

and then you wait, quietly... delicately... hopefully

then, just when you thought it would never come-- it comes -- it starts in your head. it's quiet at first; you almost can't hear it or understand. you wonder if you're just making it up. but ever so softly you do.

i love you my daughter
you are not alone
you are worth more than all the gold in the world to me

it takes your breath away at first. you almost don't dare to believe it... but you so badly want to believe it. so you let it sit with you for a while. then without warning, you get more

you do have the strength to do this, you know
you are made of the finest i could give
you will be blessed with more than you can imagine

you sit up. did you hear that right? you start to think about it again. you refuse to let yourself really truly grasp anything just yet. you're still too stunned. you speak back.

what does that mean?
what could you possibly give me that would take ALL this pain away?
what could you do to make me feel like i am normal again?

then you look around and notice that not only are you not crying anymore, but you've been able to sit up without much effort on your part. you are stunned for a minute. you are tempted to lie back down. it felt so much better letting your head hang low. but then it comes again.

i have work for you my gifted child
i have given you unique things that will make a difference
i have all the intention of using those strengths to make your life better

but... but... what about all the things you said i could have? huh? what about those?

you stand up out of anger and with bitter tears and all the disappointment and the fear and the hurt you scream up at him...

WHY?

why can't i have what i want?
why did you do this to me?
why am i still here, after all i've tried to become?

but that understanding voice comes back to you. he knows. he understands. he hurts just as much as you do. pain is the last thing he wants for you... but he also knows that through this pain comes strength... and he needs you to be strong.

you can't see everything i see
you can't even imagine what i have in store
you can do this, i promise
and look... you are standing... and you didn't think you could even do that.

this time you are shocked. you? you have the strength to stand on your own again? you look around, you feel a bit dizzy, you feel like maybe you'll fall again and be right back where you started. you don't trust this position just yet. you look back up. you stand there for the longest time. waiting... out of fear... not wanting to move. gently he prompts.

trust me and follow me
trust me and i will make weak things become strong
trust me and i will bless each step you take
come on now... take that fist step

you start to move your foot and realize that the pain is still very acute. it's not possible. you can't do this. it hurts. you're still sad. you're still weak.

but you are up. you got up, and you didn't even think you could do that. and as you take each step, your courage and faith and strength will grow. and each step will become easier. the wounds will heal and your heart will begin to open.

and years from now you will be so far away from where you landed that you won't be able to see it anymore. and you'll look at those scars and raise them to God and give thanks.

Dear 2009,

okay, okay... i know i am a little late in sending this letter to you, but honest to goodness, i have been so very busy... and that is no excuse, because you were so very good to me.

2009, you were my year of adventure. i remember deciding that that was what you were going to be when we first joined up and i remember all the excitement at the possibilities that were ahead.

do you remember how excited i was to go back to boston to teach in february, march and april? i'll never forget the sadness i felt that first visit back in february; i cried as i took that first T ride through the city. it was so hard, i wanted nothing more than to move back immediately- but i knew the decision i made was the right one. then as time wore on and my subsequent visits to my old home provided the closure i needed, i finally found that i was at peace when i said goodbye.

but it didn't take me long to find my next adventure did it? back in 2008 i had already decided to take myself to europe- sometimes fear has a funny way of holding us back from the things we want the most- but despite all the fear, i prepared for it every day. fear didn't even get me to take a second look at my choice. TAKE THAT!

and how happy i am that i didn't because-- holy cow 2009 what a FUN summer! what an amazing life-changing experience! to see the world in a new way. to see things i had never seen. traveling alone proved to NOT be the funnest way to experience europe- but i walked away from that feeling more empowered that i was able to travel and sight-see all by myself! Ireland and France and ITALY!

i am tearing up just thinking about this small little country that has forever been imprinted on my heart (cheesy i know, but true). i can't tell you how grateful i am for those experiences. the children i taught, the families i stayed with, the tutors that became friends for life, the ancient cities i played in, the FOOD i ate... oh the food!!!, turning 30 in italy!! the best way to ring in my new decade of life. all of it culminating into an experience i will never forget or regret. and don't get me wrong there were definite moments of trial and frustration- and quite honestly i never would have gotten through those if it hadn't been for james.

2009, one could argue that bringing james into my life was not a good thing, but i will never feel that way. even though he and i would end our relationship even before you and i were done, i don't think i will ever regret letting him in my life. he was my life support while i was in italy and this guy, albeit riddled with baggage, showed me what i should expect from any man i date- boy did he take care of me in a way i had NEVER been taken care of before by a man. it was a valuable lesson that i know i will take with me going forward. ending things with him was so very hard. i knew it needed to be that way. i knew it was right. i knew that i needed to pick myself up quickly and move forward. but MAN was it painful.

once i got back from italy, i found myself in a constant state of frustration. do you remember my complaints as i looked and looked for a job? i tried so hard not to be ungrateful at the things provided for me- a loving family that took care of me-- a home and food and everything i needed. how lucky is that?! and i couldn't be more blessed at the job that i did get. i now find myself in this strange new world full of challenges and perks and fun people. i am happy and will continue to work hard to deserve to be here. and my silent prayer of gratitude will always be to recognize that so many other people and families have had to bear the weight of unemployment in a way i didn't have to.

2009, i think the hardest part with you came toward the end, wouldn't you agree? with my relationships with james having come to a close and the jarring realization that i was no longer getting married, i found myself rather scared at the thought of being alone. i became aware of the constant pang in my chest at the things longed for and not seen. the desire to be a wife and a mother unmet. being 30 and realizing that i have been grateful for my 20's- i have done so many things- but also realizing that my one goal that has been the most important goal to me my whole life- still goes unconquered.

as the holidays approached, i looked for many ways to busy myself... to distract myself from that hollow feeling. how fun that the CHRISTMAS CRAPTACULAR happened again with you 2009... i needed that. i also reunited with a bishop and his wife who changed my life back in 2003- a christmas present indeed. i was so excited to show them my new stripes! i also tried with all of my might to pretend that being alone during the holidays was going to be okay- i dated several really nice guys and made a few long lasting friends. i even felt my heart healing from the break-up as i connected with other really great guys that brought new things into my life.

2009, you were a really good year. i will always look back at you with a smile on my face. you were a really good friend that helped me heal and grow and change- and most especially rewarded me for the rough 2008 i endured. thank you for that.

2010 will be my year of getting all my ducks in a row.... you know as well as i do, that when you spend an entire year of playing, some really important things can fall into cracks when they shouldn't... so my goal is to get myself right-side-up and learn how to move in my new 30 year old skin!

wish me luck, i will certainly miss all that you brought to my life 2009.

your forever friend
peggy

ATTENTION... ATTENTION PLEASE...

but will a Miss Peggy D please step out of the UNEMPLOYMENT LINE and join the ranks of the other fortunate contributing members of society. report to your new place of employment on MONDAY MORNING sharp... and start making some sweet sweet cash.

i know that at least once a month i (being a woman) get a YOU CAN BE EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE FREE card. today i would like to trade that card in to be viewed as though i am completely normal.

in the past 12 hours i have teared up when i thought of all my friends in boston and italy that i miss-- no really-- nostalgic central.

i have cried more for the break-up from this last dude, than i did the day after the break-up.

i got the biggest urge to get married-- to anyone-- when i was meandering through the christmas isle at target... i just can't fathom being alone on yet one more "christmas to remember!" so even if you are missing most of your teeth and have a gimp arm-- i'll take you!

blerh!

also while i was meandering at target (this is what one does when one is unemployed), i heard a tune echoing through the cd isle from one of those boxes with 20 CD's that you can click on and they play you a sample song Bing Crosby style or Pan Flute Christmas-- yeah-- well there was an irish flute piece playing and i almost started to cry! what the...

this is when i then headed to the medicine section and looked for midol with a mild sedative.

MY NEW FAVORITE GAME:

a huge THANK YOU to JOHN AND COLE for the most AMAZING 2 days i have had in a very long time... but also... for introducing me to this really fun game! no... seriously!

CHANGE THE WORLD

assuming that i live a life good enough to get myself into the CK. i have decided when i create my own world i will have the following things:


~ when it snows it will snow banana slurpees... and dogs will pee bright blue (so you will be able to tell where the bad snow is).

~ money really will grow on trees, being more easily come by so that there will be less shortage. those that work hard outside will reap the bennies of a large bank account.

~ mullets will NOT be possible. somehow the hair follicles won't ever allow the hair to be cut into a mullet... including but not limited to the RAT-TAIL and SHE-MULLETS. magically it will just grow out and lay flat. bliss.


yeah... that and some other stuff. but it's a start.

MY WEEKEND PLANS

a) a red sox game with one of the most gorgeous women i have ever met!

b) rockport, maine with awesome peeps

c) church at my most favorite church EVER!

d) a gathering of old chums


LIFE IS GOOD RIGHT NOW... and then monday comes, work begins, and total mayhem ensues! live it up while you can!