i am writing to you a bit early this year, because i am finishing my relationship with you in washington d.c. this year and i just know i won't have time to write to you for a while after that and i prefer to be early this year... i have a lot to say to you.
2010, what a firecracker year you have been to me. when i look back on all of the things you and i went through together i cannot believe i forged through ALL OF THAT in just 12 short months. it seems like an entire lifetime passed, not 365 days.
oh gosh, i think back to the early part of you, i was still sorting out my feelings for james. you remember how he and i started talking to each other again on christmas eve of 2009. we continued to stay in touch as you took the stage. i saw him again for the first time in mid-january and realized how much i did miss that stubborn man. he apologized- something that he just doesn't do very often or with much ease... and it took me by surprise. but it wouldn't be until march that we decided to start dating again.
boy oh boy do i have fun with him. spring with you and james was just so much fun. he and i connected in such a unique way and we spent many great days together and with D, his son. we even went to visit his family in FL and decided that we were going to get married. what a fun time. i was so in love.
looking back 2010, i can see how the heat of your summer proved to be too much and scorched my whole life as i watched everything fall apart around my feet. even though i did some amazing things like run the 5K in the 2010 Transplant Games in Madison WI and spearheaded the fundraiser raising awareness about the Miracle of Organ Donation and Transplantation, my job was suffering and as a result my finances were too, i had gained quite a bit of weight and then... well... james left my life.
i remember laying flat on my back in the middle of october wondering how in the world i was going to pick up any of the pieces of this shattered life and move forward. but you were wise my friend and provided some very solid people early on in the year that proved to be more than just a backbone and support. cyndi and marj and amber and mary and marinda, my new bishop and of course my loving family who rallied.
they helped that foggy version of peggy to navigate life for a while, while i sat on autopilot and let the pain of my loss seep from every pore of my body. marj became my boyfriend for a while and the two of use nursed for very painful battle wounds from failed relationships. i just don't know what i would have done without her. i am so very blessed.
but here is the part that means the most to me 2010. you helped me reconnect with my father in heaven in a way that i hadn't been doing for a very long time. you helped me to see how reaching out to him for support and strength would be the most effective tool to rebuilding the life i had helped to destroy.
i remember being scared of your final months, worried that i wouldn't be able to find joy or happiness through the veil of tears that flowed freely. but WOW is all i can say. all of the insights and direction were more than i could have asked for. the prayers that i said in the quiet darkness of my room and the answers that came more speedily than i would ever have imagined.
to top it all off, i did so many fun things this chirstmas season. made so many memories with people i care about. got taken care of by people in my life that i am grateful for. and i spent christmas day, surrounded by those wacky deming folks who make me laugh- The Deming Family Tacky Talent Show was just what the doctor ordered. so rad!
so now... my feet have been planted on a new path and i am filled with an electric current of excitement as i look to 2011 for what lies in store. i know i am being led and that whatever is coming is more amazing than i could have ever asked for or conjured up on my own.
as i flip through the pages of my 2010 date book, i can't help but feel every last emotion that accompanied it- the happiness and love, the pain and frustration, heartache and disappointment and finally the relief and joy and the love and gratitude.
then i get out my 2011 date book and i flip through the empty pages and take a deep breath at all of the possibilities that await. i really can't wait for this new year.
thank you 2010- for everything. for all of the things that we've been through together though, i gotta say, i am NOT going to miss you one bit!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
SILENT NIGHT- Done Right!
I'm not a Marc Anthony fan... but Kim Burrell ROCKS this song like no one I have ever heard before. That and... well.. Harry Connick Jr just never does it wrong! Enjoy!
Saturday, November 20, 2010
TIS THE SEASON
starting a few days early... ran into this commercial. good good memories!
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
okay, if i post this- you are so not allowed to jump down my throat.
i just so happened to be talking to a friend of mine about this very topic and was telling her about this- thought of the cartoon that i'm about to reference- and thanks to youtube, i can relive my childhood and poke fun at myself in one fell swoop!
so, i am one of those gals that doesn't typically break the law... and i mean like really big things. but it's in the really small things that i find a thrill big enough to evoke a tiny rush. like running a stop sign when i am in a residential... it makes me laugh like a little school girl. or running a red light on a desereted street at 2 in the morning. and... when i was younger... and i say this honestly that i am NOT like this anymore... but i used to think it was funny to litter.
BEFORE YOU FREAK OUT- LET ME CLARIFY!!!
no, i didn't walk around dropping trash wherever i went- BUT- sometimes, if i did drop something on the ground... i thought it was funny. i don't know why! okay!? and yes, there is that one time in high school when we went on a school trip up to Utah State University and i had driven my little POS up there and my friends in my car had made a huge mess and we cleaned it all up, stuffed it in a shopping bag and then i quickly peeled out of the parking lot as the bag remained on the ground next to where i was parked... and i giggled uncontrollably for like 15 minutes. yes, insane. yes, it's horrible. yes, i will be punished.
so it was then that i was reminded of this one disney cartoon about this bear named Humphrey and all his furry forest friends who are commissoned by the forrest ranger to clean up the garbage and they sing this song...
and then it goes on to show how Humphrey tried to cheat the system and ended up doing the In The Bag song all by himself.
so it's been my observation, that because of my horrible conduct in my younger years, that when i get to heaven they are going to hand me my stick and a sack and send me back down to earth where i will have to clean up all the garbage before i am let in through the pearly gates!
don't worry about me though... i'll just be walking around singing
"first you stick it on the stick, then you put it in the bag...bump bump"
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
GETTING BACK UP
when one experiences hard things, the kind of hard that seems to beat you to a pulp and knock you onto your back, the only thing you can do for a while is lay there.
you feel weak.
you feel despondent.
you feel like the pain will never go away.
and you know what? it's okay to lay there for a while.
and while you're lying there all sorts of things cross your mind.
maybe i will just stay down here- it would be so much easier
maybe i will find something easy to run to and maybe just maybe the pain will go away
maybe i will close my eyes and all of this will have just been a horrible nightmare
and after you've thought all these thinks, the thinks decide they need to come out and you begin
you talk to people... friends, family, therapist, bishop, co-workers
you talk to the wall
you talk when you're in your car all by yourself
you say horrible things, sad things, hurtful things, angry things
you say things about the past, the present... the future that seems so empty
then one day, as you're lying there, flat on your back, feeling the hot tears trickle down your face for the 100th time, you finally look up at the ceiling and you cry out to the God you believe in and you say the last words you can possibly think of to say.
Please Help Me
they seem to fall out of your mouth in a whisper. light on your lips-- because you are too weak to say it any louder or with any more conviction.
and then you wait, quietly... delicately... hopefully
then, just when you thought it would never come-- it comes -- it starts in your head. it's quiet at first; you almost can't hear it or understand. you wonder if you're just making it up. but ever so softly you do.
i love you my daughter
you are not alone
you are worth more than all the gold in the world to me
it takes your breath away at first. you almost don't dare to believe it... but you so badly want to believe it. so you let it sit with you for a while. then without warning, you get more
you do have the strength to do this, you know
you are made of the finest i could give
you will be blessed with more than you can imagine
you sit up. did you hear that right? you start to think about it again. you refuse to let yourself really truly grasp anything just yet. you're still too stunned. you speak back.
what does that mean?
what could you possibly give me that would take ALL this pain away?
what could you do to make me feel like i am normal again?
then you look around and notice that not only are you not crying anymore, but you've been able to sit up without much effort on your part. you are stunned for a minute. you are tempted to lie back down. it felt so much better letting your head hang low. but then it comes again.
i have work for you my gifted child
i have given you unique things that will make a difference
i have all the intention of using those strengths to make your life better
but... but... what about all the things you said i could have? huh? what about those?
you stand up out of anger and with bitter tears and all the disappointment and the fear and the hurt you scream up at him...
why can't i have what i want?
why did you do this to me?
why am i still here, after all i've tried to become?
but that understanding voice comes back to you. he knows. he understands. he hurts just as much as you do. pain is the last thing he wants for you... but he also knows that through this pain comes strength... and he needs you to be strong.
you can't see everything i see
you can't even imagine what i have in store
you can do this, i promise
and look... you are standing... and you didn't think you could even do that.
this time you are shocked. you? you have the strength to stand on your own again? you look around, you feel a bit dizzy, you feel like maybe you'll fall again and be right back where you started. you don't trust this position just yet. you look back up. you stand there for the longest time. waiting... out of fear... not wanting to move. gently he prompts.
trust me and follow me
trust me and i will make weak things become strong
trust me and i will bless each step you take
come on now... take that fist step
you start to move your foot and realize that the pain is still very acute. it's not possible. you can't do this. it hurts. you're still sad. you're still weak.
but you are up. you got up, and you didn't even think you could do that. and as you take each step, your courage and faith and strength will grow. and each step will become easier. the wounds will heal and your heart will begin to open.
and years from now you will be so far away from where you landed that you won't be able to see it anymore. and you'll look at those scars and raise them to God and give thanks.