THE HANDBOOK TO MAINTAINING THE ILLUSION THAT YOU ARE AN ADULT AND IN CONTROL!

CHAPTER 1

WHEN A CHILD THROWS UP

Step 1- Assume the "Good Job" face. This is used to cover up the fact that you are seconds away from joining them next to the toilet.

Step 2- Turn face away from the scene of the crime as you gently rub the back of the poor, helpless child. This will help to minimize your urge to become an accomplice.

Step 3- As you are rushing the child from living room with a full bowl of said waste: with one hand tightly grasp this bowl (for heaven's sake, what ever you do... do NOT let go) and with the other hand gently cup your hand and place it firmly under the mouth of the child in protection of anything sneeking out while you are making the transfer. Note: this step is really important.

Step 4- Be sure that you unload the bowl of stuff into the toilet BEFORE the child takes his/her position as the Hunchback of NotrePotty, otherwise you will be forced to unload your "burdens" into the sink... and trust me , there are just some things in this lifetime you would rather not experience.

Step 5- This very crucial step involves immediately breathing from your mouth.

Note: same breathing technique adapted when using a port-o-potty. Then quickly rinse out the bowl of shame and try not to get any of the culprit on you.

Step 5b- if dry-heaving incurs (especially if the child is in the same room when you begin) make a quick cover and pretend that you are sneezing or making up a new form of dance called the Laughing Hyena.

Step 6- Gently encourage the child, with a big smile (see step 1) by telling him/her that he/she handled it well and that they should be feeling better very, very soon. As child turns to get back into bed or go back onto couch, quickly say a silent prayer to the porcelain Gods that, in deed, they do begin feeling better very, very soon.

Step 7- Sit back and relax. You did a good job! You should be proud of yourself for maintaining the illusion that you are an adult and in control. If you did happen to lose control at any time, don't get down on yourself, there will be other chances to try again. Believe me... there will always be other chances.

PIG!

i have issues taking the last of anything! the last cereal in the box, the last of the ice cream, the last diet coke... and i have my siblings to thank for it!

i'm number 6 in a family of 8 kids. don't worry, it wasn't as bad as all that... 3 of the kids are separated by 11 years, so they were all grown and out of the house by the time i was old enough to know that i had to elbow my way through the world to get what i wanted.

in my family, you had to call what spot in the station wagon you wanted, you had to say "this is still my spot" whenever you got up from the couch to go to the bathroom and most importantly you were NEVER and i mean NEVER supposed to eat the LAST of anything!!!

it didn't matter if the child before you had just had 7 bowls of that same cereal, it didn't matter if you were barely able to fill 1/4 of the bowl you poured the cereal into or that you were eating the tiny shards of marshmallows and puffed wheat... that it looks more like sand from the beach than anything edible. if anyone saw you take the last you were immediately thrust into a category that i can only say sent me into a state of petrifaction every time i clutched a mostly-empty box of Cap'n Crunch (even if i was the only one eating out of that box)...

PIG!

it was the absolute worst thing you could be called in my home. it cut right to the soul. it caused us to clutch our bowls of cereal even tighter and with complete justification yell out a defensive retort that included a name that would rival the one that just got thrown at us.

it's because of this sad interaction at almost every meal, as an adult, i indulge myself with all sorts of cookies and candies and cereal that i was denied as a child, i buy them when i want to and no one can tell me otherwise... yet, there they are, on the top shelf of my pantry... the mostly-empty cereal boxes. they loom over me saying... "come on girl, eat us... no one will ever know... no one will see you eat the last... you know you want to."

and i just can't. the name echoes in my ears and fills me with fear.

please someone... help me overcome!

hello... umm... hi... is this thing on? eh hem.

well here goes nothin'

i'm new to blog-land and i feel somewhat like sarah jessica parker in the movie "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" -- she is standing in front of the class with that distant glaze in her eye as she nervously twitches and twirls her hair and tries to introduce herself to her new class. "i love to dance." end scene.

WELCOME TO BLOG-LAND

i feel like i am the last person in the world to get myself a blog... but can i just be perfectly honest and overtly insecure by saying-- y'all out there scare the dickens outta me.

and it's true. i've read your blogs and seen the standard. i know how in order to have a successful blogging experience you have to be witty and funny and use a lot of words that most of us "simple folk" don't understand... you have to have strong opinions and be able to see the world in a way that no other person can. i know how one can become obsessed by how many people actually visit their blog and how one can feverishly search for the next best topic or unseen point of view so that you too can end up quitting your day job to sit on your backside all day long and pontificate on the finer things in life and have lots of people admire your true BLOGGINESS and advertisers pay you to do it.

it's sick i tell you... and demented. and i won't have any part of it!!! i refuse to give in to the pressure... I REFUSE TO... eh hem... excuse me... but is anyone listening... hey... are you out there? HEY... NO FAIR... you didn't give me a chance! okay, i admit it. i do want your love. i do want you to read this dumb blog... yes it's true... i am just like the rest of you.

can you play?