A FEW RAMBLINGS ABOUT FEAR


one of my most favorite quotes, from my most favorite of shakespeare's plays (measure for measure) goes a little something like this:

doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.

i am currently reading LIFE OF PI by YANN MARTEL and i just found this amazing passage, that seems to expound upon what good old bill was getting at in the first act of his play:

"i must say a word about fear. it's life's only true opponent. only fear can defeat life. it is a cleaver, treacherous adversary, how well i know. it has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. it goes for you weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. it begins in your mind, always. one moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. but disbelief is a poorly armed foot-soldier. doubt does away with it with little trouble. you become anxious. reason comes to do battle for you. you are reassured. reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. but, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. you feel yourself weakening, unwavering. your anxiety becomes dread.

"fear next turns to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on... every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. only your eyes work well. they always pay proper attention to fear.

"quickly you make rash decisions. you dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. there you've defeated yourself. fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you."


we already know that fear does not come from God, right?

"for God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (2 tim 1:7)

so then why all the fear? even when things seem right, is that not also God telling me something is wrong?

no... that's not how he speaks.

so then what of all this fear and doubt? sure i like to find the problem... okay, i've done that. i see the fear for what it is, i see how it affects my life, how it uses my pride as a shield, how it masks my true intentions. done. i know... but now what? how to change? how to win and conquer this gruesome creature?

yann continues with his solution:

"the matter is difficult to put into words... so you must fight hard to express it. you must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly forget the opponent who defeated you."

i've done this before. it works. most often, once spoken, you begin to see just how silly your fear really was... when it actually comes out of your mouth, the thoughts start to shrivel and you are left with a feeling of sheepish delight. it's gone. but probably not for good.

but why? why not for good, why does it always keep creeping back into my brain? well, that's because i forgot the person that will take it all away. i forgot that trust is the biggest element in this equation. i forgot that i am not supposed to be fighting this battle all on my own. that's why.

"peace i leave with you, my peace i give unto you: not as the world giveth, give i unto you. let your heart not be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (st john 14:27)

putting all of my trust in Him... ie- taking all of my fears to him and trusting that He will help me along the path, gives immediate peace. even if that means doing it 10 times in 5 minutes. the more i do it, the stronger i become. not because i as a human am strong, but because the strength is attached to my Savior. in tandem with Him, i fight off the demons and no longer succumb to fear. pretty soon, it starts to feel less like a battle every day and more like a silly nuisance that needs to be dealt with. and then altogether, it has no more power over you. all of a sudden, your biggest weakness has become your strength (ether 12:27).

not perfect at this yet, but getting there.

BOSTON, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE MISSING!

so here i am in sunny CA... loving life... wearing flip flops... and having JAMBA JUICE!!! oh heavens alive, i almost started crying when in saw the small juice shop nestled in the strip mall between the party supply and the old navy.

boston, you really need to wake up and smell the citrus! there is nothing like the cool, refreshing delight of the RAZZMATAZZ! it's been my favorite for 7+ years and i don't deviate very often. i just don't get why there is NO PLACE in the greater boston area to get my frozen boyfriend!!! so as long as i am here, i will be eating one once a day for the next 5 days... i will probably turn orange... but i don't care...

HEAVEN LOOKS LIKE JAMBA!

more to come... after i finally get IN AND OUT for lunch!

CALIFORNIA LOVE!

(sorry for the cheesy video- i don't like the music video for this song-- but the song rocks and it's so fitting!)

YAY!

i'm off to california where it's sunny and my most favoritist people spoil me beyond belief.

YAY for the sunshine

YAY for the love

YAY for CALIFORNIA!

BYE BYE!

TO YOU

dear you... you good friend of mine
thanks for the talk
thanks for being supportive of my honesty
thanks for your words of encouragement
we've been through a lot haven't we?
funny how long it's been.
funny how two people can go through the entire range of emotions with each other and still come out friends
it's all of our inside jokes isn't it? they've never gone away. we laugh a lot.
i love you- love you for where you've come from, love you for where you have made it to and love you for where you are trying to go. and you WILL get there.
if you ever feel alone- don't you dare forget that i am always here, with good thoughts of you.
i hope you find such happiness.
i pray for that every day
i pray that you truly connect in the way you want to
i pray that you find rest from your worries
i will be praying for you at 2 o'clock... with all of my heart... you will make it.
you are so amazing- now that the "blanket is gone" i know you are having a hard time seeing what's underneath-- but don't forget to look at all of the REALLY GOOD stuff too!

you are loved

FIE-AH!

the fire-dudes were called over to our street tonight.

and nothing happens on our little street-- ever!

so...


rach, colleenie and i couldn't help but be voyers and takes lots of pictures.

"oh my gosh guys, i hope everyone is okay"

"okay, let's be artsy and stare at the cute fire boys."

"hey guys, do you need any help???"

"okay, this is hot-- and i don't mean the fire"

shout out to the SOMERVILLE FIRE DEPT!

I KISSED THE LIPLESS

holy crapola THE SHINS concert knocked my socks off!!! i love them so much.

boy did they ever rock those skinny jeans (personal side note: i don't like men in skinny jeans- sorry aaron- too girly for my taste). which now that i'm talking about it, i was definitely not EMO enough for all of the cool kids that surrounded me. and now that i'm talking about it, we looked like grandmas at this concert with all of the brace-faces and can't-grow-a-beard-yet dudes. and now that i'm talking about it, i love that brooke can totally not be "done-up" and still get hit on. and now that i'm talking about it... i loved that they played some of my favorite hits:

they started off with sleeping lessons from their new album "wincing the night away." so good, so so good. then we all got to clap along to the opening bit from "kissing the lipless." some other favs included: st. simon, so says i, australia, phantom limb and pink bullets!

just some good stuff. one of the best concerts i've been to in a really long time.

lot's of good things to remember-
the he/she standing by themselves dancing to their own band
the fish-net crack
the boring opening band that wasn't feeling the boston love
the air-horn
that really cute guy that was like 10 years old
my baked potato with EX-tra sour cream
brooke's "bag search"
linda, morgan and 4 other people standing the ENTIRE time while everyone around them took a break

YAY FOR NEW THINGS!

i know it's kind of silly to get all jazzed up about getting a new phone. but i can't help myself. i've have the old one for a while now and it's getting all yucky and shmerrshy. and being a customer of verizon wireless, every two years i qualify to get a new and improved phone for less than half the cost. yes, yes, i know. it's a marketing scam to weasel me into signing with them for another two years... i'm not that blonde. but it's just nice to get something NEW for CHEAPY! and of the wireless companies i've been imprisoned to, verizon hasn't sucked that much. so it's a good deal.

so how freaky-deaky was i to receive this little notice in my inbox this morning:




Thank you for choosing Verizon Wireless. Your Internet Order has been processed & shipped. You should receive your equipment in 2-3 business days via FEDEX.




WOO-HOO... new phone, new phone, nanny nanny boo boo!




now i just need to work on getting that new car!

and i am so sorry-- but you bet your bottom dollar that i CAN get $1700 for my old one... just you wait and see!

BECAUSE...


because my abs hurt from laughing so hard last night (big gulps and pvc)-- THANKS!



because i love my friends-- YOU ARE THE PRIZE!



because i am so tired from staying up ridiculously late-- UGH!


because i am feeling so blessed-- YAY!


because that clam chowder was really good-- YUM!

because i can't think of good questions when playing the truth or truth game-- BLECK!



because i learned so much about myself this past week-- PEACE!



because flirting is fun-- YES!



because listening to really good music gets me jazzed-- WOO-HOO!


because riding in a really HOTT car going 110mph on rt 2 is the best-- SQUEAL!



because i got to sleep in this morning-- YAWN/STRETCH/SMILE!


because resolving disagreements is hard yet so important-- HIGH FIVE!



because i got into trouble for procrastinating-- HERE YOU GO:


ohio was the best trip and i fear that my lack of getting up and onto my blog has given the appearance that it wasn't as fun as it was- but really- it was so fun i can't stop talking about it!

do we have enough junk food? well at least for the first 300 miles!

hey ju- where are we?

umm- somewhere around syracuse.

oh, okay- dude i'm tired.

yeah dude- my diet coke is all gone and we've listened to mert's mees 3 times now.

yeah, let's stop.

yeah, okay.

dude- we're NOT paying $80 to sleep in a disgusting motel for 4 hours

hey look- this parking lot looks great

totally much better than the creepy KNIGHTS INN

all bundled up

all snuggly

all freaked out

night night!

shout out to my dad who grew up here in

DEPEW, NY

it's morning time and time to get back on the road

this was after we made the emergency stop on the side of the road

so that i could... ummm... see nature... no it couldn't wait!!!

wow- making bracelets and necklaces is so much fun

what time is it???

apparently it's time for bed... julie.. are you dead?
just from the look on my face-- we should have been in bed 5 hours ago!

nothing like a yummy trip to get ice cream

love me some hulet family! i will take 3 scoops of GEOFF!

don't you roll your eyes at your adorable mother!

look at how cute you are! i love you RENON!

my kind of dudes! handsome and goofy!

i miss you GEOFF- come play with me.

ME MAMMY n PAPPY!

i love my parents, they are some good people. they came from having next to nothing (being just kids when they got married), living in a trailer park... all the way to living in a really great home in a beautiful neighborhood by the time i graduated from high school. they are hard working, love to be with each other and have a strong testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. in fact, they joined the church together, after being married for 10+ years... and they haven't looked back since. not even after all of the hard trials my family has faced. never once have the doubted, questioned or turned their backs on their faith. i wish i could say the same.

today, i was folding laundry, sitting on my knees and realized that i look just like my mom. gosh, all of the memories i have of being outside playing and running in to find my mom hard at work, folding socks, surrounded by piles and piles of jeans and t-shirts alike. it made me realize how, even though we never intend to, we turn into our parents. i've heard this said many a time, but only when it really hits you personally, does it really make you sit back and think... HOLY CRAP... I'M JUST LIKE MY DAD!! or GEEZ, I'M DOING THIS JUST LIKE MOM DID!!

and not that being my parents is a bad thing- per say. but remember all of those annoying things your parents did that you SWORE you would never do or say... guess what-- you'll do it too... just like they did.

but because i like my parents, i am proud to say that i am a perfect (eh?) amalgam of the two of them. i took the good and the bad from each to form SUPER PEGGY! such as:

i have my mom's smile
i have my dad's eyes
my mom's creative juices
my dad's flare for the dramatic
my mom's exuberance for life
my dad's verbose-tell-you-even-if-you-don't-ask-what-i-thinkness
my mom's scrunched nose-look
my dad's sweet-tooth
my mom's love for children
my dad's ability to connect to children
my mom's perfectionism
my dad's loud singing voice
my mom's chronic neck pain and headaches
my dad's story telling ability (although i could never duplicate those neechi stories)
my mom's love for holidays
my dad's throwing arm
my mom's cry-at-everythingness (that's a new one)
my dad's never give up attitude
my mom's idealism
my dad's people-person-ness

and on and on it goes...

is there a way to stop yourself from being an annoying parent? probably not. so i will just embrace it-- like i embrace them.

LOVE YOU MOMMY and DADDY!

WHAT A LITTLE SUNSHINE CAN DO!


i don't know about you, but this last weekend was AWESOME! i am all smiles and radiance and i blame it all on the sun! i can feel the vitamin d seeping into my blood stream and flushing out all of the bad-weather-bad-mood toxins that have been playing hide and go seek with my SOUL!

to step outside and not have to hunch over and bundle in 8 layers just to maintain normal body temperature is like a little present. to walk into church without a coat, sweet! to get home and put on flip-flops was the BEST! to get in my car, roll down the window and blast good music, didn't come a moment too soon.

i'm taking deep breaths of warm air and i am loving it!

today i have decided that russ and i are going to run away somewhere and find a cool place to adventure in. somewhere with a lot of trees and grass and rocks to throw. we are taking our bikes and a snack and we're not coming back!

okay, we'll be back, but only cause we have to!

gotta go!

FRIDAY

what do WENDY's and THE 3 AMIGOS have in common???

not much-- unless you add in a couple of my most favorite people on this planet and call it my friday night!


SATURDAY

spring cleaning in warm-ish weather makes me happy.
check this dudes--
my car is spic and span
my room is cleaner than it's been all winter-- not as organized as i would like-- but still
and i even read through some old notebooks
one of them was a year old-- almost to date. i am amazed at my growth, i am surprised by my entries, i'm really humbled at the fact that my Heavenly Father really did guide me all the way through that rough 2006.
based on some of the things i wrote, i sure didn't deserve it.
ice cream sundees with the kids HIT THE SPOT
and finishing up with a little nostalgia-- i'm a sucker for "memories"
bittersweet.

OH MARGARET!!!


okay, so i'm used to it by now-- i am constantly being asked if my real name is margaret. but as much as i am used to it... i'm still never surprised that someone actually got the name PEGGY from MARGARET!

yesterday i was on the phone with a company that i had ordered something from; there were a few kinks in the order that needed to be sorted out. i was put on hold from the woman taking the order and transferred to someone in their technical dept.

"okay margaret, it looks as though we're all set and the problem has been worked out."

pause... is he talking to me? does he have the wrong customer on the phone?

"umm... i'm sorry... this is peggy... were you referring to me?"

dude pauses... a little confused.

"umm... are you the customer that ordered xzxzxz?"

"yes, oh... sorry... my name is peggy... not margaret."

"oh" {audible relief} "oh, sorry about that... the woman in ordering called you margaret."

"yes, i understand. it happens all the time."

and it does... but really... how in the world? it's one of those things i will never find a sufficient answer to. it's like the name dick from richard... wha???

anyway, here's to all the JUST PLAIN PEGGY's out there (and believe me, there aren't many... in fact it's like me and a ton of ladies over the age of 60).!!!

WHOA!!!


today is one of those days where i am sitting here in a comatose state - staring at the wall with my mouth hanging open - disbelief written all over my face!

did any of that really just happen or should i pinch harder to wake myself up?

for certain reasons, namely... there are little eyes that belong to certain little people that look at this blog that don't know about certain things happening in my life... just yet, i will refrain from giving specifics.

however, for those that are aware of my journeys, i have the following things to say about today:

+ i'm blessed... i just am. and i don't deserve it, i just don't

+ you should all check out THE WORLD: i just spent all morning with these people... what a treat... brilliance at work and the nicest group ever!

+ impromptu meetings with "a really important person" was nerve-wracking and cool... hope i did okay!

+ other opportunities have come out of the wood-work today... sheesh... i'm on the fast-track to change!

+ because of those other opportunities, i'm feeling a little conflicted

+ unexpected follow-up emails rock!

+ this has been the best lesson in trusting in my Father in Heaven that i could have ever hoped for. i just can't tell you how, if i do make these big changes, it will have had nothing to do with me.

THE PARTY FAVOR


do you ever get the feeling that people don't really know you and if they did, they would treat you differently? we all orbit in our own little social circles, doing the best we can to make do with our insecurities and our desire to connect with people and at the end of the day, how good did we do?

do people know the real me? no. well... a small part.
is that okay? maybe.
is it all my fault that they only see me in a certain way? absolutely.

this is something that i have been struggling with lately. not sure why, i just have. i once had someone tell me that she was intimidated to be around me, because of who i was. mrumph? are you serious???

or how about "the performer." yup, that's me... the little trained monkey at your service! i just can't help myself... walk into a room and on stage i go... or can i? lately i don't usually have to do anything and i turn into the all-night request line.

{please bless that you aren't reading this post with an air of "bitter"... i promise you that's not the way i'm writing it.}

it's funny how we look at others and immediately put them into a little box package, as if we have them all figured out... we don't. i love that people surprise me. the quiet ones with the sharpest wit and you get them alone and THEY become the life of the party. or the closet nerds... people you look at and think they are WAY TOO COOL to watch NOVA... and yet it's their secret obsession. how about that one pretty girl who looks like such a snob. could it be that maybe she is just extremely shy and she can't help the fact that she's also really beautiful?

here's news for you: my therapist has called me an INTROVERT escapading as an EXTROVERT! and it's true. i don't like big parties, i prefer quiet dinners with one or two people. sure, i'm a little socialite in public... but that's what i learned to do when i was younger so that i could even make friends! i typically only get close to a few people and trust even fewer than that. and that's how i like it. but it's interesting how because i am the socialite by day and the introvert by night, i could be looked at negatively... as if i'm being exclusive or snobby.

well, there is nothing i can do about that, and i realize that. i can't change someone else's reality. but getting over this fear of disappointing people has been a rough road, one that i am still on. but some insights are coming and your suggestions always help.

MONDEE

my trip to ohio = AWESOME

awesome a- rocking out to MERTS MEES
awesome b- sleeping for only 3 1/2 hours in the parking lot of the holiday inn
awesome c- the memory of the creepy KNIGHT'S INN
awesome d- julie hulet's family.
HI RENON, CRAIG, GEOFF (my new bf) and GRANDMA!
awesome e- graeters ice cream
awesome f- making necklaces with the girls til all hours of the night
awesome g-yummy lasagna, great laughs and some indoor s'mores


coming home = STRESS

stress a- very important meeting this week, i'm scared out of my mind
stress b- need to create the most FABULOUS resume in the history of resumes
stress c- need to read "tipping point" before thursday
stress d-new goals are kind of freaking me out
stress e-changing schools is a big deal
stress f- okay, there really is no F... but i just wanted to make my list look longer so i would appear more pathetic!

pictures of the trip will come at a later time.

HELLOGOODBYE

russ and i have been rocking out to this song all afternoon! thanks rach for introducing us!

HAPPY FRIDAY!

OH- HO- HO- OHIO


O- oh this is going to be a rock-tastic weekend!

H- hey, i get to drive in a radical car, with the coolest person this side of the mississippi, listening to the MERTS MEES soundtrack to life and across some pretty countryside

I- i just love running away. i love exploring new places. i love road trips.

O- opportunities like this make me feel so blessed. oh how sad i will be when i have to come home.