A FEW RAMBLINGS ABOUT FEAR


one of my most favorite quotes, from my most favorite of shakespeare's plays (measure for measure) goes a little something like this:

doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.

i am currently reading LIFE OF PI by YANN MARTEL and i just found this amazing passage, that seems to expound upon what good old bill was getting at in the first act of his play:

"i must say a word about fear. it's life's only true opponent. only fear can defeat life. it is a cleaver, treacherous adversary, how well i know. it has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. it goes for you weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. it begins in your mind, always. one moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. but disbelief is a poorly armed foot-soldier. doubt does away with it with little trouble. you become anxious. reason comes to do battle for you. you are reassured. reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. but, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. you feel yourself weakening, unwavering. your anxiety becomes dread.

"fear next turns to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on... every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. only your eyes work well. they always pay proper attention to fear.

"quickly you make rash decisions. you dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. there you've defeated yourself. fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you."


we already know that fear does not come from God, right?

"for God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (2 tim 1:7)

so then why all the fear? even when things seem right, is that not also God telling me something is wrong?

no... that's not how he speaks.

so then what of all this fear and doubt? sure i like to find the problem... okay, i've done that. i see the fear for what it is, i see how it affects my life, how it uses my pride as a shield, how it masks my true intentions. done. i know... but now what? how to change? how to win and conquer this gruesome creature?

yann continues with his solution:

"the matter is difficult to put into words... so you must fight hard to express it. you must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly forget the opponent who defeated you."

i've done this before. it works. most often, once spoken, you begin to see just how silly your fear really was... when it actually comes out of your mouth, the thoughts start to shrivel and you are left with a feeling of sheepish delight. it's gone. but probably not for good.

but why? why not for good, why does it always keep creeping back into my brain? well, that's because i forgot the person that will take it all away. i forgot that trust is the biggest element in this equation. i forgot that i am not supposed to be fighting this battle all on my own. that's why.

"peace i leave with you, my peace i give unto you: not as the world giveth, give i unto you. let your heart not be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (st john 14:27)

putting all of my trust in Him... ie- taking all of my fears to him and trusting that He will help me along the path, gives immediate peace. even if that means doing it 10 times in 5 minutes. the more i do it, the stronger i become. not because i as a human am strong, but because the strength is attached to my Savior. in tandem with Him, i fight off the demons and no longer succumb to fear. pretty soon, it starts to feel less like a battle every day and more like a silly nuisance that needs to be dealt with. and then altogether, it has no more power over you. all of a sudden, your biggest weakness has become your strength (ether 12:27).

not perfect at this yet, but getting there.