THE PARTY FAVOR


do you ever get the feeling that people don't really know you and if they did, they would treat you differently? we all orbit in our own little social circles, doing the best we can to make do with our insecurities and our desire to connect with people and at the end of the day, how good did we do?

do people know the real me? no. well... a small part.
is that okay? maybe.
is it all my fault that they only see me in a certain way? absolutely.

this is something that i have been struggling with lately. not sure why, i just have. i once had someone tell me that she was intimidated to be around me, because of who i was. mrumph? are you serious???

or how about "the performer." yup, that's me... the little trained monkey at your service! i just can't help myself... walk into a room and on stage i go... or can i? lately i don't usually have to do anything and i turn into the all-night request line.

{please bless that you aren't reading this post with an air of "bitter"... i promise you that's not the way i'm writing it.}

it's funny how we look at others and immediately put them into a little box package, as if we have them all figured out... we don't. i love that people surprise me. the quiet ones with the sharpest wit and you get them alone and THEY become the life of the party. or the closet nerds... people you look at and think they are WAY TOO COOL to watch NOVA... and yet it's their secret obsession. how about that one pretty girl who looks like such a snob. could it be that maybe she is just extremely shy and she can't help the fact that she's also really beautiful?

here's news for you: my therapist has called me an INTROVERT escapading as an EXTROVERT! and it's true. i don't like big parties, i prefer quiet dinners with one or two people. sure, i'm a little socialite in public... but that's what i learned to do when i was younger so that i could even make friends! i typically only get close to a few people and trust even fewer than that. and that's how i like it. but it's interesting how because i am the socialite by day and the introvert by night, i could be looked at negatively... as if i'm being exclusive or snobby.

well, there is nothing i can do about that, and i realize that. i can't change someone else's reality. but getting over this fear of disappointing people has been a rough road, one that i am still on. but some insights are coming and your suggestions always help.