BUBBLE GUM, MAKE-UP and NEUROTIC MOUSE HUNTS!


+ you know you're majorly stressed out when...?

a) the doctor tells you your heart rate is too fast and quickly writes our a prescription for anti-anxiety meds
b) same doctor pleads with you to lower your daily intake of diet coke and reminds you, once again, that your heart rate is much too fast.
c) you have become a habitual bubble yum bubble gum chewer; going through a pack a day (for the record: hubba bubba is so much better)
d) when a friend asks you if you want to go to the grocery store with them, you panic feeling like you are supposed to be doing something more constructive than eating.
e) your heart is beating it's own wild tattoo these days and it isn't because you're in love.

answer: all of the above


+ saturday, late afternoon, i sit at my desk furiously printing tickets for the last minute requests before the show starts in an hour. i did not wear make-up... i didn't have the time to even worry about it. in walks actor friend that is in the show. i look up and offer a somewhat meager smile and continue on with my work.

actor friend: are you feeling well?
me: umm... sure, why not
actor friend: oh cause you look sick.
me: i probably am! {chortle}

sunday, late afternoon, once again furiously working to make every patron smile when they approach the box office to retrieve the tickets they ordered only moments before. this time i had come straight from church and had time indeed to put make-up on. in walks actor friend to say hello. i look up and attempt the same meager smile.

actor friend: oh you are looking SO much better today!
me: pause... laugh... ummm.... yeah
actor friend: no really, you do look like you are feeling so much better.

so what's the deal? i mean i know i don't look AMAZING without make-up... but sickly? sad! thank you actor friend for making me self-aware of my pallor without the help of cosmetics- you're a gem!


+ saturday night i get home around midnight. exhausted. my pillow is my best friend. i snuggle in and then i hear the rattling and scurrying of little paws on my messy hard-wood floor. my eyes fly open. i only have the strength to throw a foot off my bed and stomp on the floor- a lame attempt at scaring away my little rodent friend. moments go by, i begin to settle again when... the scurrying and munching noises continue. THAT'S IT! the covers fly from my body. let the neurotic mouse hunt begin!

i cleaned and scrubbed. moved furniture, rearranged books and shelves. i threw away garbage. switched out my summer clothes for sweaters and long-sleeves. i took soapy water to my floors and baseboards- finally cleaning under my heater vent, where i found a small chocolate heart that had fallen by the wayside many moons ago. little tiny teeth marks indicated that my little friend had been here. with victory gleaming on my brow, i triumphantly threw the chocolate away!

then i looked at the clock. 3 am. umm... yeah this isn't normal. but at least i have a clean room!

3 a.m. VISITOR


yes, it's 3 a.m. actually, it's almost 4 but who cares, i'm up. and i am not just coherent- i'm freaking WIDE AWAKE and i am not happy about it. (the past two weeks have not been good sleep weeks and tonight was supposed to be my first time in a while to catch those all important zzz's)

so there i was in dreamland-- my psyche hard at work filtering through my issues and assigning strange scenarios and odd people to sort it all out-- when all of a sudden the person next to me in my dream begins crunching really loudly; like they were eating the largest carrot known to man. my brow furrows. i hate hearing people chew. i give a necessary crusty and continue forth with strange scenario when the chomping continues- this time much louder and then all of a sudden, my awake mind tells my psyche: "ummm excuse me, but you might want to register that that chomping noise is coming from about 4 real feet from your head."

my eyes shoot open and i spring forth from slumber.

okay, for those of you who don't know me-- i am a treat-aholic (amongst so many other desireable qualities)-- i like to have ready-available treats at my disposal in case of an emergency. what's even more interesting about this pile of shame that sits just to my left on the floor in a little wicker basket, is that i rarely eat from it. i know you don't believe it. but it's true. most often the stuff there goes untouched until i have friends come over and we sit on my bed and eat the loot while we talk. and i do take my fair share of teasing about this fact that at any given time my friends can come over and they know there's always a little somthin' somthin' to eat.

well it looks as though i had friends in places i didn't know about, that agree.

so there i am in the dark. i am frozen by the sound that has so rudely brought me back to reality. i wait... too scared to do anything (this is *one of those moments when having a husband laying in the bed next to me would be really really helpful- cause i'd make him get up and deal with it).

finally after a few minutes of silence i turn in attempt to go back to sleep. i'm not too far off when, again, the munching. this time i shoot up into the sitting position (you know how in movies when something wakes someone up they always end up pulling the covers to their chin as their nervous eyes survey the darkness? yeah, i totally did that). the munching ceases. now we wait. who can be quiet the longest (you... me... starring contest... now. you win... you always do!... 10 extra points if you got this reference)? i hear a scamper and i couldn't control he audible intake. the scamper ceases. i reach over and nudge the basket of goods. silence. what should i do? i don't want to go poking around and end up face to face with my thief at this time of night... knowing me i would end up jumping out of bed and running to sleep on the couch if i saw a furry anything just now.

so i turned my light on. decide to take a trip to the bathroom. creep back in hoping that i gave little gus-gus time to race back to the clan and tell the group that the game is up-- that freaky human-lady is no cinderalla, woke up in the middle of "the job" and ruined the fun.

now with the lights on... i'm a teeny tiny more brave and slowly begin to investigate the crime scene. and wouldn't this story be all that more interesting if i saw the culprit with his beady eyes and whiskered nose? yeah i didn't. but i did find where all the chomping was coming from. it turns out it wasn't my box of cheese nips like i thought. gus-gus is still working on the hole to get into the room. and it turns out i caught him just before making entry.

i feel like the germans in the movie "the great escape" right now. you vill not go any fuerzer den dis, my friend!

but seriously- does anyone know how to stop up a mouse hole?


*there are several other things also come to mind but we shant go into that.

SATURDAY MORNING EPIPHANIES!

so so tired this morning. got home at 2am. woke up at 8am. showered. dressed. a little perfume and deodorant. then i began blow-drying the hair.

the blow-drying epiphany:

so sometimes i pray about stuff! sometimes i really want things... answers to prayers, things to change in my life, direction. most often i feel like the answer i receive is "have PATIENCE." i hate that word. i am not a patient girl. but even still, i do my best to "sit and wait" through the "patience period" however long that may be.

today i was thinking that often i assume that when i am told to be patient it's because the "thing" isn't ready yet. or the timing of the "thing" is off. but what if- it was ME that wasn't ready for what i was asking for? what if i'm like that little kid that's just asked for the two-wheeler before i've ever tried the training wheels? interesting. maybe knowing that the Lord is waiting for me to make certain changes to myself first, makes it easier to be patient just a little longer???

+++

final touches on my make-up and hair. grab my coat and scarf. walk toward the bus. get on the bus. nearly fall over dead from exhaustion as we slowly make our way to the t-stop. get off at lechemere and wait for train.

+++

train-waiting epiphany:

this is for those of you who get it when i say, we are all trying to live our own "plans of happiness." i was thinking about my own plan of happiness. thinking about how this past year i have been trying to figure out what to do with my life and where to go. trying to reconcile what i want with what i feel God wants me to be doing. feeling very inadequate to do much of anything. feeling like i lack talent and that i am the most un-special girl around.

it got me thinking. where do those thoughts of inadequacy come from? certainly, if i believe that i have a Father in Heaven who wants nothing but the best for me and never makes me feel inadequate when he is trying to teach me something; then i must also believe that there is someone else out there trying to get in my way.

so i started thinking like the enemy (it's an old war tactic... cause i'm just that amazing). so if i were trying to screw up peggy's world- how would i do it? where are her weaknesses? what gets her all riled up and unfocused? (i thought back to the book "the screwtape letters" by c.s. lewis) you'd be surprised what you learn about the mistakes you are making when you look at your life from this angel. you'd be surprised to see that the tactics that are being used against you are pretty lame compared to what you really and truly know about yourself. this train of thought will give you boat-loads of power you didn't think you had. try it.

+++

i transfer trains at government center. i stop quickly at the dunkin' donuts in the center of the stop to grab a hot cocoa and a pumpkin donut before the D train shows up. D train shows up and i jump on and grab the closest seat to me. i sit and begin sipping as the train makes its way to the fenway stop.

+++

D train epiphany:

i heard someone talking about their family the other day. they seemed rather embarrassed by their family's indiscretions... which i guess i don't blame them for. but it got me thinking.

i look at my own wonderfully imperfect family. i search the faces, in my mind, of each member and remember the fights, the embarrassing times, the times i would like to forget. then i take another look- different angel and all... and i see these amazing, extraordinary faces looking back at me. people who have fought demons, challenged themselves and me. people who have loved me when i was unlovable. imperfect people.

then i start thinking to myself- you know... if you asked every person on this planet i am sure they would have horrid tales to tell about their own families. stories of ill-repute. and wouldn't it be tempting to find fault with that? to shake our heads and talk about how awful? but why would we do that when our own worlds are filled with so much imperfection? what is it inside of us that keeps us judging the others' side of the fence and finding fault?

so to you my lovely family- i love you. thank you for being your best selves- even when it isn't your greatest selves. i love you for all we've been through and what we will face together in the future.

and to any who would judge my family? piss off- go worry about your own. {said with a smile- of course}

+++

the train comes to a stop at fenway park. i get off and begin my ascent to street level and walk toward work. i shut my analytical brain off and head straight for the mayhem called my desk.

THAT LAST LITTLE STITCH.


when one gets a deep cut- they typically go to the ER where they are given stitches. i know because i have had need of this treatment before.

over the last little while i have had a very different kind of cut. it ran extremely deep and was extremely painful. a few stitches were put into place immediately. over time more stitches were added and as with all cuts, it slowly began to heal. there was, however, that last remaining stitch to administer. one could point to several reasons why this last little part of my cut was never treated. but nevertheless, untreated it remained- for so so long.

most times i found it easy to over-look the ache that lived deep inside. other times it was the only thing i could feel. i was reminded, every so often, that this wound still existed- untreated. but a quick frown turned upside down and the world was manageable again!

then one day- the ache began to fester. i felt it low and soft at first; a gentle tugging, if you will. then as outside forces began to enter my world, the remaining wound became something i could no longer ignore. dreams haunted and the spirit prompted me and all of a sudden, i realized it was time.

ever so nervous and afraid, i took the final step. the most important one of the entire bunch and i put the last stitch in. at first it didn't seem to affect me much. there was peace... there still is. but the pain- more like sadness- has definitely crept its way to the surface. tears flow freely these days and i let them fall as often as i need. this is a long-endured cut and i know it will take many tears to wash away the final aches in their entirety.

but already, i am noticing the difference. i feel like i can move around in a way that seemed almost impossible just a few short months ago. i can feel the freedom from finally letting this wound heal- all the way.

yeah, maybe it would have been better to have stitched it all up from the start. heaven knows where i'd be today if i had had the courage to do it long ago. but these are lessons learned and who knows that i will ever get it right with such deep cuts... i'm no doctor.

THE AMAZING DISAPPEARING PEGGY!


being busy is good. being over-booked every minute of your day however-- is not.

as i ran from the chapel yesterday... 5 minutes early... racing toward the train so i could get to the theater to open the box office, i realized just how crazy-booked my life is. it has gotten to the point where i am behind on calling so many people back i have to prioritize my "hey how are you?" phone calls against the "this is important" ones- because i just don't have time to do it all. and being a train commuter makes that even worse.

back in the day, when i was a car commuter, i had at least 20 minutes to get it all done while sitting in traffic. i could eat, wrap a present, file my nails and talk on the phone all on my way to the post office just before heading to the laundry mat. multi-tasking at its finest!

nowadays, it's rude to be on the phone on the bus and most of the time on the train is spent underground with no signal. and it's only a 5 minute walk to work from the train... then once at work... i become pretty much unavailable until lunch. by then, i have missed 5 phone calls and the thought is... who to call first? brothers and sisters who i haven't talked to in so long? mom and dad who want to know the latest scoop in my life? friends that are having a tough time? long lost friends who i miss more than anything right now? others who are trying to get to know me better? so i finally make a choice, spend the whole of my lunch with them and then sigh as i head back to my desk as the reality of my calling deficit increases.

but peggy, what about your evenings?

well when you work two jobs- you don't have evenings. and on the days you aren't working, there's institute- and institute choir because you still need some measure of spirituality and socialness in your life. there's also an important commitment on tuesday nights, a dinner date with a good friend you haven't seen in a while and you need to get caught up with, temple night. and say goodbye to your weekends, because your soul has been sold to the theater and you now are there every waking moment. oh and don't forget how you are also trying to make good on that whole trying to be an actress thing. so there are auditions and auditions to prepare for, and then you and your good friend are crazy enough to try and put on another christmas show and so the next few weeks are going to be all that more interesting!

and to further complain- what about ME time? what is that? i hear others talk about how they sit at home and watch tv!!!! TV??? it's been so long! to be in my room by myself is sometimes life's greatest pleasure. it's quiet. and these short-lived moments of lounging in my bed while i type this crap, so you can all read every last detail in my head, are some of the most treasured.

but then the guilt sets in. i'm wasting time! i could be doing all 100 things i haven't done yet!

like last night for instance. i had a friend over for dinner. this friend was being good by going to a baptism and a fireside on temples. when asked if i was attending, i scrunched my nose and said no. i hadn't been at home with nothing to do in weeks! but then an hour went by and another good friend was called and came over and then we ran over to other friends' house and i didn't get home til midnight! WHAT IS THAT? do i not know about being "still" anymore? can't i just sit and be quiet? MUST I ALWAYS BE ON THE GO????

okay true- my fault- i take all the credit. but that's just my point. i don't slow down. and so as i am racing out of the chapel doors on to my next great adventure, i can hear my friends in a low murmur... there goes the AMAZING DISAPPEARING PEGGY again!

LIVING ON LESS and LEARNING MORE!
(this is going to be the title of my cheesy self-help book i'm going to write one day!)


yesterday i was talking to a friend of mine and he asked me a very interesting question:

"do you wish that you would have stayed at your job as a nanny and been more sure of your income and your hours?"

my response was immediate:

" well, i know i am doing the right thing, i am following what i feel is right for me and what i was prompted to do. i feel like these trials i have faced over the last few months have been so important for me to learn, so i guess the answer is no!"

it got me thinking though. i remember back to the days of novell, where every paycheck was over $3000 and placed inside my bank account--i was free to do anything i wanted with it! i was also only paying $250 in rent each month and had very little else in debt. i remember being blessed with the ability to travel and do fun things- to help friends and family that needed it. i felt so free. not a care in the world. and pretty much i seem to always have been taken care of, by way of money. i haven't ever had to do much worrying in that dept- and for that i feel so blessed.

but what happens to that same girl, when she is thrown into a different scenario. she is challenged with not only the defeat of knowing that even though she is working like crazy, missing out on fun outings and trips with friends, it's also cutting into church activity and a social life, she is only paid 1/2 of what she is used to getting every week. all of a sudden those unexpected tickets and bills seem to weigh heavily-- now it turns into, how is she going to feed herself and what if something really dire were to happen and she needed to go to the hospital or something, what then? and then for weeks she is asked to look at a pile of checks that have plenty of money in them, but she can't deposit them and is forced to wait.

well let me tell you what happens to her- lest ye start thinking that this is an attempt at receiving pity.

she learns some of the most valuable lessons she has experienced, to date. she first and foremost learns that she has a Father in Heaven who is there in the details of her life. guiding and directing each problem and choice. she feels the love of her parents and family as they are there to listen to her fears and even send food all the way across the country (even a big bag of candy, cause her dad knows that she has a sweet-tooth just like he does). she is amazed by the amount of friends here that have shown up on her doorstep to help, to support and to laugh a little with her. she has learned that although she will never need a lot of money in her life- she can see by how not being wise with it can make you prisoner to it and will always stand in the way of what you really want to be doing in life. and last and most importantly, she has learned how to do one of the hardest things for her to learn-- to ask for help.

and so here i am with all of these great lessons in my back pocket. and those who know me, know i already and pretty frugal, but now that the paychecks and even tiny-er than before, it's been a fun challenge to see just how little i can live on.

no car at the moment- so no payment or insurance (or random shopping therapy trips to target)
cheap rent (and believe me you get what you pay for)
no credit cards
PB&J for breakfast lunch and dinner!
cell phone usage during the hours of 9 pm and 2 am (just kidding- i'm an early to bed kinda girl so don't call me late at night!)