HOW WILL I SURVIVE?????






this is where i get about 98% of all my clothes, shoes, jewelry and handbags. i will be in utah for the next 4 - 5 months. the nearest h&m is in vegas. roughly 6 hours away. i seriously will go through some MAJOR shopping withdrawls and i just don't think i'm prepared for that.

CONFESSIONS

musings you probably don't care about but i write nonetheless

• i don't read other people's blogs anymore. i don't know if it's just boredom with blogging, if i'm just in a different 'phase' or who knows what. and it's not that i don't LOVE my friends and their blogs... i just don't read them for some reason. so i won't hold it against you if you stop reading mine.



• i can NEVER get the 'le' / 'el' rule right in spelling. it happens to me all the time. and the word angel always causes a certain amount of panic that is hard to describe. angel.... angle... yikes! oh, and i get scared about the 'ley' / 'ely' rule too. like the word 'completely' makes me type and re-type every single time!!


• i read a lot. my book choices are varied-- from classical to contemporary... and i find that while i am submersed in the book i am reading at that moment, i start narrating my life and it's almost always is in the style of the author that i am reading. classical novel ex: "she felt a tug of nervous sway as she walked along the pavement that led to her imminent encounter with the man that she had always loved and never found the words to express such feelings to. the wind swept at her hair and it danced in the outskirts of the awkward world that occupied her mind..."


• so i was engaged at 19. we were going to be married on May 11 of that year. i was just thinking about how every year on May 11 i think to myself- for just a split second- "man,i was going to get married today." and it's not like i am sad that we aren't married- on the contrary... but it's just a passing thought and i wonder if there is ever going to be a year i don't think it.
  

• i snore. and there has never been a moment in my small life's history that i haven't been completely embarrassed by this fact


• i find that the stranger the scenario- the better my life is. i love when weird stuff happens to me. the weirdos on the bus FLOCK to me-- i have stories to prove it-- and i seem to have this innate ability to notice the strange things going on around me. i love it!!

• i have a hard time convincing people that i LIKE to be alone more than i like to be around people. guess you really have to know me to understand. but sometimes i wish that people would just believe me!
  
  

so one day it's possible to feel like crap

and then the next day realize you were being silly

and then the very next day after that you realize how lucky you are

and you are humbled

and so life continues like this in the same cycle

until one day, when you start to feel like crap, you stop yourself

and remind yourself that you indeed are a very lucky person

then you don't have to go through the few days of poop-dom

maybe when i'm 80 i will finally get how to do that

until then i will just be content with realizing TODAY that i am a lucky girl.

there's only so long you can coast.

then change hits you over the head like a tidal wave.

and you're left feeling stupid that you didn't see it coming.

or rather, that you ignored the fact that is was coming.

today is not a good day.

ON MY MIND...


i've got some things on my mind. mind if i share?

i move in just a few short weeks. well 4ish to be exact. and i find myself in this really weird place of not feeling like i belong anywhere.

i am trying to pry my strong fingers from the hold they've had on boston (the home i love) and start looking forward. but due to some unforeseen changes in my plans, i don't know what forward looks like.

i'll be in utah for a while-- and because of said unforeseen circumstances i don't know how long i will be there. but utah hasn't felt like home in 5 years. and whereas my family is there and i love being around them, utah no longer feels like the place i flourish... the place i thrive. so believe me when i say i won't be there very long, if i can help it.

then there's california. i am actually really excited to go, believe it or not. i have finally come to the realization that i am making the best decision for myself by going out there... so i look forward with a sense of christmas-eve-like anticipation and giddiness. but, it's still not home to me- yet.

and back to thinking about leaving here. you just have no idea how much i am going to miss it here. my heart aches as the memories flood my head. i have joked before that it's like i just got voted off american idol and they just pushed play on my "exit montage" where really sad music sings a goodbye to me and we watch all of the good times, hard times, happy times and miserable times flow into and out of each other.

i will always think of boston as the place i grew up. the place i found myself. the friends that have been my strength, the men i have fallen in love with and lost, the leaders in my life, the co-workers, the "soldiers" i fought with every tuesday night for 3 years-- they are all a part of this change in me-- my transformation. i certainly didn't do it on my own- and i certainly wouldn't have found myself on the other side of all of that without each one of them.

so the following posts- until i leave- will be a tribute to the things i will always love about this place. i guess, in a way, it's my way of keeping them locked in my heart forever.