THE WANDERER

when one is a single female with endless possibilities, as i am... one has many choices ahead of her, and no one telling her she can't do this or that. there is no compromising with a spouse about where to live, making the choice to stay put while my children go to that particular school because all of their friends are there and no house to worry about selling and all that jazz. in fact, where i choose to take myself has no real bearing on anyone but myself.

and i can handle that... for now.

i was on the phone with a friend yesterday telling him of my latest plans and what they entail and he laughingly called me "the wanderer." it took all of 2.5 seconds to step back, look at myself and realize that he was absolutely right. then it took me all of 2.5 seconds more to decide that i am proud to call myself that.

let's go back to the point that i am a single female. believe me, i have done my best to change that status but somehow the concept of getting married alludes me. regardless, it's something i still hope and wish for with all of my heart because frankly, i am done being single. but needless to say, i don't have a whole lot of control on when i find the man of my dreams and even if i did- if he has it in himself to commit and want to settle down with me.

so this leaves me with two choices. 1) find a place. get a job. get an apartment. hunker down. attend a single's ward til they kick me out. try to go to lame parties with hope. watch a lot of tv. wait for prine charming to drop from the sky. spend a lot of nights alone. OR 2) look for adventures. travel to new places. move to different cities. meet new friends. learn from different cultures. fill my loneliness with LIFE!

that last one there- yeah- that's what i have chosen to do. and i am pretty pleased with myself. because once i do find that man that decides he loves me more than any excuse he could come up with for not marrying me, i won't have one ounce of regret to point to. one moment where i wish i had done more. one shred of doubt that i did the right thing by leaving it all behind to be a wife and a mother.

so here's to my adventurous 2009! my plan is to move to st george (possibly). go to boston for a week at a time in feb, mar and apr. go to italy for the summer to teach theater. spend a few extra weeks exploring europe (spend my 30th birtday there). go back to boston for a visit. and finally-- a whole year and a half after making the decision to do so, move to LA!

one day i will look back and have so many incredible memories to remember. and one day i will get to include my own little family in on my adventures.

it's going to be a good life.

TWAS A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS INDEED!

for a complete view of all pics taken this year click on the day you'd like to view:

Christmas Eve
Christmas Day

THIS PAST WEEK I...


went to st. george with my sister-in-law and her 4 kids to visit my parents.


watched enchanted 4 times. my niece and i had to dance and sing to each song- awesome!


got rid of grumpy-pants and put on my life- is- good- and- i- am- blessed- pants


i finally got detoxed all the way!


watched BYU play some really horribly embarrassing football! oy!


made knight in shining armor armor and swords for my nephews-- they look wicked cool!


got called a "fetch face" by one of my most favorite friends- i laughed so hard i peed a little!


wore JEANS for the first time in 2 months! YIPPEEE


had a sleep-over with julie so we could watch a movie and then i fell asleep after the first 15 minutes... i am so turning into my mom!


wasn't in the christmas spirit... it's been a long month... but then i talked to Heavenly Father about it- and he blessed me with some amazing moments... MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO!

MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT...


so here i am, once again, wide awake at 4-something in the morning. this is my 3rd night in a row with this insomnia and i am not a happy camper. i went to bed at the respectable time of 10-ish and then proceeded to toss and turn and wake up in sweats and then get really cold and a headache... etc. i wondered if i was getting sick, which maybe that's what it is but then i started to wonder...

so i had major surgery a month and a half ago. for the pain i was given oxycodone. (i must admit i really liked the buzz) but for those that know me, taking any type of medicine has never been one of my "things." but because the pain outweighed any hesitancy, took it i did. fast forward a month from surgery and i was still in extreme amounts of pain- the doctors came to the conclusion that i had "nerve damage" near my ribs and said it could feel like broken ribs. well, i have never broken a rib- but if that's what it feels like- sheesh!

anyhoo- for the pain they quickly prescribed a pain medicine for the nerve damage and then more oxycodone... oh and a one week trip to my bed- where i wasn't supposed to move much so i could let the nerves heal. forced bed rest sucks rocks, by the way!

anyhoo- i finished my last dose of the oxycodone/neurontin cocktail last night- but even then i was surprised to find myself wide awake til around 5 am (ususally those meds put me WAY OUT).

so tonight as i silently suffered, i kept wondering if maybe just maybe- after being on narcotics for a month and a half, had me a little... well... addicted. so i quickly googled "what do withdrawals from narcotics fee l like" and came across a message board where a former sufferer gives their suggestions on how to lessen the affects of their symptoms. the list of symptoms looks a little something like...

+ overactive muscles- check!
+ restless leg syndrome- check!
+ diahrrea- thankfully no!
+ headache- check!
+ hot and cold flashes- double check!
+ trouble getting to or staying asleep- oh freak YES!

HOLY COW- I THINK I'm ADDICTED!!

the advice-giver goes on to say that the first 72 hours is the worst and then depending on the level of your addiction it depends on how long thereafter, you suffer. well thankfully i can say that on a scale of 1 - 10 i am probably a level 1 or 2 if i really am addicted- so hopefully that means by tomorrow or the next day i should be good to go-- right? RIGHT?? oh please bless that i will be good to go!

oh i just heard my niece's alarm clock go off- waking her up to get ready for school!!! i should try to get a few hours of sleep if i can- don't you think? or instead maybe i'll try to go find a dealer on the street and just get some relief!

BOB VILLA WOULD NOT APPROVE!


so when i lived in boston i lived in this crappy, ugly house that was basically falling apart. but i lived there for 4 1/2 years because rent was ridiculously cheap and it was a month to month-- very rare, plus it was wicked easy to catch a bus that would take you to two different train stations. oh and let's not forget that it was within walking distance to a "market basket" (ghetto cheap grocery store), harvard square and my favorite inidan restaurant in union square. it doesn't get much better than that!

however when i say it was falling apart i mean that literally, not figuratively.

for example: the bathroom floor is rotting out. the wood that surrounds the bathtub is so rotted that the tiles above it have fallen out and the wood is so soft you can dig a hole straight through it with your fingernail. and because the wood is so bad in the bathroom, the toilet can't be properly bolted to the floor and so when you sit down on it, it moves and when you stand back up, the whole thing feels like it's going to get up and walk out with you! we were just waiting for the day when the whole of it would drop down into the basement.

moving on to the kitchen... aside from the fact that someone painted it lavender... yes i said lavender and the fact that the linoleum and the cabinets look like they are from 1955, the stove is probably from 1955 as well-- the problem with that being that you can't read any of the numbers on the dials... so you have to guess where 350 degrees is. we were just waiting for the day when the stove would spontaneously combust!

now to the front room. i will only complain here about the carpet that probably was put in around 1973 and then subsequently NEVER WASHED. it was disgusting. we were just waiting for the day when the carpet would get up, do a tap number and walk right out of our house!

then the hallway-- where the wall was lined with the pipes to our gas heat. this lovely gem apparently had several small leaks all along the length of it, according to the gas guy that was finally called in by my last roommate to live in the small room where the pipe ended and seemed to leak the most into. we were just waiting for the day when we would all die a silent death in our slumber or when someone would light a match and our whole house would explode!

then i will sum up the rest of our house by saying that the outside looked just like the scary old houses they describe in horror stories, the front of the house was covered by a huge shrubbery that would grow out of control and try to eat you as you walked up onto the porch that is dying a slow death and going to collapse one day and the "sun room" as i liked to call it, looks like a perfect place to put crazy people. and last but not least our basement... which consists of a million spiders and cobwebs, a hard-packed dirt floor and a shovel in the corner so we can bury all of our victims!

okay so did i do a good enough job of describing this house? if i didn't just ask any one of my friends that used to make fun of me for living there. but i didn't care, it had character.

but the absolute BEST part about this house was my room! truly i loved my room. when i moved in it was hideous. someone had decided to be "artistic" and the top half of the wall was white and the bottom half was lavender (just like our lovely kitchen) and then they had taken a darker purple and attempted to sponge paint from the middle down getting heavier with the dark purple the lower it got. i just can't fathom why anyone would do this- ridiculous! anyhoo i moved in and painted the room a nice taupe and all of the trim was white. it looked nice if i do say so myself. but really the coolest part of my room was that the floorboards had absolutely no insulation so every winter the cold air would seep in and make my room a balmy 14 degrees. i'm pretty sure that i am the only human on this planet that could LOVE this feature of my room. sure it sucked to have to get up in the mornings... but oh the joy i was in snuggled under 5 blankets, all warm and toasty-- i loved it more than i can describe!

so it's funny because ever since moving in with my sister, i have the window to my bedroom cracked and i LOVE the cold air that seeps in. call me crazy, but i can't stand it if i'm not freezing my butt off while i'm in my room and it's all because of my ugly old house! gosh i miss it a lot!

ONCE UPON A TIME...


... i had a job and made money... real life money that i could spend on anything i wanted... and my bank account had more than $17 in it... much much more


... i lived in boston... in an ugly house/apartment... with roommates and utility bills and crazy upstairs neighbors


... i walked and danced and skipped and frolicked... without pain


... had a dream of moving to LA... okay i still have a dream of moving to LA... it's just taking so dang long to get here


... i could eat indian food anytime i wanted... i just called and they delivered... mmm samosas and tikka misala


... i didn't feel the need to complain as much as i am now. life is slow. there's only so many movies you can watch, so many books you can read, so many scarves you can crochet before life starts looking as bland as a bowl of cream of wheat.


i'm gonna go be grumpy somewhere else now.