THE HANDBOOK TO MAINTAINING THE ILLUSION THAT YOU ARE AN ADULT AND IN CONTROL!

CHAPTER 1

WHEN A CHILD THROWS UP

Step 1- Assume the "Good Job" face. This is used to cover up the fact that you are seconds away from joining them next to the toilet.

Step 2- Turn face away from the scene of the crime as you gently rub the back of the poor, helpless child. This will help to minimize your urge to become an accomplice.

Step 3- As you are rushing the child from living room with a full bowl of said waste: with one hand tightly grasp this bowl (for heaven's sake, what ever you do... do NOT let go) and with the other hand gently cup your hand and place it firmly under the mouth of the child in protection of anything sneeking out while you are making the transfer. Note: this step is really important.

Step 4- Be sure that you unload the bowl of stuff into the toilet BEFORE the child takes his/her position as the Hunchback of NotrePotty, otherwise you will be forced to unload your "burdens" into the sink... and trust me , there are just some things in this lifetime you would rather not experience.

Step 5- This very crucial step involves immediately breathing from your mouth.

Note: same breathing technique adapted when using a port-o-potty. Then quickly rinse out the bowl of shame and try not to get any of the culprit on you.

Step 5b- if dry-heaving incurs (especially if the child is in the same room when you begin) make a quick cover and pretend that you are sneezing or making up a new form of dance called the Laughing Hyena.

Step 6- Gently encourage the child, with a big smile (see step 1) by telling him/her that he/she handled it well and that they should be feeling better very, very soon. As child turns to get back into bed or go back onto couch, quickly say a silent prayer to the porcelain Gods that, in deed, they do begin feeling better very, very soon.

Step 7- Sit back and relax. You did a good job! You should be proud of yourself for maintaining the illusion that you are an adult and in control. If you did happen to lose control at any time, don't get down on yourself, there will be other chances to try again. Believe me... there will always be other chances.