THOU SHALL NOT COVET!


JEALOUSY. i hate that i am actually capable of such an emotion. it's one of the most destructive things to feel. it can ruin friendships, potential relationships and pretty much eat you up inside, if you aren't careful.

so i was reading this letter that i had written to my recent ex-BF, when we were still dating, and i started thinking about the time when we were "getting together."

those are the best times, aren't they?

everything seems right. the world, other people, colors. they are all beautiful, happy and good. i pictured our first date. then i pictured our first kiss. then i pictured the way he looked at me the first time he told me he loved me. and immediately i was jealous of myself... back then. it's also a killer not to hate all of the girls that talk to him now. trying not to wish chronic bad breath or a scorching case of acne on each of them as they laugh at his jokes.

i remember in high school being jealous of mindy, because she was getting the kind of attention that i had worked my whole high school career for, mr jolley's approval of her as an actress. mr. jolley was our theater teacher and he was a bear. we all respected him though and worked hard for his attention and laughter... because both were hard to come by. mindy didn't even start doing plays until late in our junior year and was immediately taken under his fatherly wing. NO FAIR... i had spent all my sophomore year and a good chunk of my junior kissing up to him so that he would do the same for me... but my efforts were never good enough. mr. jolley always seemed to be disappointed in me, was always pushing me, always telling me to do it better. and there was mindy getting the praise, attention and support that i craved. jerk! and it's because of this jealousy that i never really befriended her. well, we were friends, but not the kind of friends you could depend on. and it's sad because she was probably great and i would never know.

then, there are those girls that you struggle from hating because EVERYTHING looks perfect. not only do they have the perfect hair and skin and bust size and waist size and shoe size and clothes and... okay i'll move on... but they seem to have the perfect temperament and they are talented AND they have memorized every last scripture in the Book of Mormon. it takes everything i have to look at them as someone that could actually possess weakness.

this very carnal, barbaric sensation has all the potential of ruining my life, if i don't keep it in check. there is a reason that God made it a commandment. can't you see, because if we are only ever focused on what others have and not on the blessings we've been given, why would Heavenly Father bless us with more? and if how we are judged at the last day has anything to do with the way that we not only treat others, but how we view them, then i better get on it and begin praying that this ugly sin will not be a permanent part of the way that i live my life.