SATURDAY MORNING EPIPHANIES!

so so tired this morning. got home at 2am. woke up at 8am. showered. dressed. a little perfume and deodorant. then i began blow-drying the hair.

the blow-drying epiphany:

so sometimes i pray about stuff! sometimes i really want things... answers to prayers, things to change in my life, direction. most often i feel like the answer i receive is "have PATIENCE." i hate that word. i am not a patient girl. but even still, i do my best to "sit and wait" through the "patience period" however long that may be.

today i was thinking that often i assume that when i am told to be patient it's because the "thing" isn't ready yet. or the timing of the "thing" is off. but what if- it was ME that wasn't ready for what i was asking for? what if i'm like that little kid that's just asked for the two-wheeler before i've ever tried the training wheels? interesting. maybe knowing that the Lord is waiting for me to make certain changes to myself first, makes it easier to be patient just a little longer???

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final touches on my make-up and hair. grab my coat and scarf. walk toward the bus. get on the bus. nearly fall over dead from exhaustion as we slowly make our way to the t-stop. get off at lechemere and wait for train.

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train-waiting epiphany:

this is for those of you who get it when i say, we are all trying to live our own "plans of happiness." i was thinking about my own plan of happiness. thinking about how this past year i have been trying to figure out what to do with my life and where to go. trying to reconcile what i want with what i feel God wants me to be doing. feeling very inadequate to do much of anything. feeling like i lack talent and that i am the most un-special girl around.

it got me thinking. where do those thoughts of inadequacy come from? certainly, if i believe that i have a Father in Heaven who wants nothing but the best for me and never makes me feel inadequate when he is trying to teach me something; then i must also believe that there is someone else out there trying to get in my way.

so i started thinking like the enemy (it's an old war tactic... cause i'm just that amazing). so if i were trying to screw up peggy's world- how would i do it? where are her weaknesses? what gets her all riled up and unfocused? (i thought back to the book "the screwtape letters" by c.s. lewis) you'd be surprised what you learn about the mistakes you are making when you look at your life from this angel. you'd be surprised to see that the tactics that are being used against you are pretty lame compared to what you really and truly know about yourself. this train of thought will give you boat-loads of power you didn't think you had. try it.

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i transfer trains at government center. i stop quickly at the dunkin' donuts in the center of the stop to grab a hot cocoa and a pumpkin donut before the D train shows up. D train shows up and i jump on and grab the closest seat to me. i sit and begin sipping as the train makes its way to the fenway stop.

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D train epiphany:

i heard someone talking about their family the other day. they seemed rather embarrassed by their family's indiscretions... which i guess i don't blame them for. but it got me thinking.

i look at my own wonderfully imperfect family. i search the faces, in my mind, of each member and remember the fights, the embarrassing times, the times i would like to forget. then i take another look- different angel and all... and i see these amazing, extraordinary faces looking back at me. people who have fought demons, challenged themselves and me. people who have loved me when i was unlovable. imperfect people.

then i start thinking to myself- you know... if you asked every person on this planet i am sure they would have horrid tales to tell about their own families. stories of ill-repute. and wouldn't it be tempting to find fault with that? to shake our heads and talk about how awful? but why would we do that when our own worlds are filled with so much imperfection? what is it inside of us that keeps us judging the others' side of the fence and finding fault?

so to you my lovely family- i love you. thank you for being your best selves- even when it isn't your greatest selves. i love you for all we've been through and what we will face together in the future.

and to any who would judge my family? piss off- go worry about your own. {said with a smile- of course}

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the train comes to a stop at fenway park. i get off and begin my ascent to street level and walk toward work. i shut my analytical brain off and head straight for the mayhem called my desk.